Not even married a year- hopeless?

[NMC]

I have to agree with Jeep and ForGump. I will go even further and say that I would not be surprised that your marriage began under false pretenses. Not on your part, but that of your H. I suspect he either M you in order to punish his ex, apply emotional pressure to his ex, or in order to get over his ex......and now he is miserable. Did he ever tell you why he broke up with her? Do they have a child together?

Sandi2- He was always vague about why he chose to end his engagement with her- I got various answers like he wasn't in love with her, the sex was awful, she wasn't a motherly type, etc. Clearly this is all nonsense- I especially realized that when she got married last year and just gave birth to her first child. That doesn't seem very motherly, right? My husband and her do not have any children together.

His actions strongly hint he is not a man of integrity. Anytime a man or woman continues a so-called friendship with an ex-fiancé while entering a new relationship with another person........ red flags are waving high. I am not referring to a polite hello, if unexpectantly running in to the ex. I mean where they continue contacting each other frequently. It is especially serious and extremely questionable when those messages become secretive. Forget transparency with their messaging.........they should have no contact whatsoever.

Absolutely agree with you 100%. The messages were secret from the beginning. I've no idea what has been going on because we don't live together now and I haven't gone through his phone in ages- I'm sure he's wisened up and is more secretive now.

Another big flag wave is him not wanting to engage in having sex with you, and his reaction to you trying to touch him. Did he have any issues before the past 6 months, like ED, or something else?

No issues. No ED. He's a physically healthy man. At one point he told me he was watching so much porn that he feels this was interfering with him having sex with me. This revelation came months after him blaming me for our lack of a sex life.

Does his family live near? Do you know very much about his childhood and school years?

His family lives overseas. He has one sibling who is now in the area for the last 2 years. I know bits and pieces of his childhood. I would tell him he is a man wrapped up in his past. Many girlfriends. He used to like to talk about them a lot in the beginning.

2 weeks ago his not-so-smart sister called us at 7AM to inform him an ex of his died. His first gf, first love. When I asked him what the call was about, because it's obvious when someone get a bad news phone call at 7AM, he denied anything was wrong until I pushed for it. I do not understand his hang-ups and why he is so stuck in his past, particularly past relationships.

When I first moved into his apartment, he had keepsakes from exes everywhere. He never thought he should put those away or clean up, especially as the wedding got closer. So disrespectful.

I feel like such a dummy thinking back on all this.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you will not try to get pregnant, thinking that will change him. It only makes things worse.

Absolutely not! Having children with him is out of the question.

Thank you so much for your words.

[NMC]

I'm sorry you are here! Like you I have been married less than a year. Just a little over 6 months. So I understand the shock of how this can be happening so soon in the marriage.

bsb- Yes, definitely. I am sorry you are going through hard times as well. I will read your threads and get to know your story.

Several have given great advice. I'm not sure if it's hopeless. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting for. My advice is to take a step back and take some time. I'm still new here but I can tell you my feelings about the whole situation has changed with time. You will start thinking with less emotion as time goes on and then you will know what you truly want.

This is great advice. For a while I felt guilty about moving out- it took me weeks. Slowly packing, staying with my mom, then moving- that whole time he didn't try to stop me.

Time is definitely helping. The distance is giving me more and more clarity. Focusing on my well-being is helpful. I married this man and moved to a different state. I have no friends here and that must change. I have to start getting out there. I am glad to hear you are moving in a positive direction. I wish you much luck.

Thank you for your words.

[NMC]

Crazy how we think things are OK just to keep someone else's attention, eh? The thing is, you learned. It took me far too long to learn and when I did, well I'll never know if it was too late. And better late is much better than never. Count on it.

Yes, it's totally crazy! I thought I outgrew it in high school. I was trying so hard to just do the right and mature thing that I ignored the most important thing- my heart!

And yes, better late than never. If not for this relationship, perhaps for one in the future.

[Dawgs]

I invited him over the have the conversation yesterday afternoon. He sat and listened. I told him exactly how I felt. I said there cannot be any contact with that woman. This must be agreed upon before we can tackle any of our other problems. I don't know what he will come back to me and say. I think about his responses. If he agrees to cut this woman out, would I believe him? He's made promises before and broke them when it has come to her. Is it time for me to just say he had 4.5 years to sort this out and the fact that he doesn't (and seems to choose to keep her in his life despite how I feel) speaks volumes. Why should I settle for this? If I don't have exes hanging around, I deserve to be with someone who believes the same!

He did not answer you? I do think the fact that he chose to keep her in his life and not tell you speaks volumes. More than volumes. The thing is - as with me and mine - how do we believe?

One of my biggest stumbling blocks is just how does one trust again? You know how they say on here that never trust what they say? Well, that's true. And even what you see has to be questioned. Mine straight up lied in MC about the OM and never batted an eye. Part of me will always keep that door open to some extent, but there is also part of me that asks, over and over, how can she be trusted? I can't unsee what I've seen, or un-read what I've read, or un-hear what I heard. And that's hard. Very hard.

So, honestly I don't how to answer how you should believe him. Some say transparency, but even that can be not so transparent with burner phones, emails, etc. I know I may sound a little jaded, it's because I guess I am a little. She destroyed my trust. But it can be done. I just don't know how.

[NMC]

He did not answer you? I do think the fact that he chose to keep her in his life and not tell you speaks volumes. More than volumes. The thing is - as with me and mine - how do we believe?

No answer yet. I got a good morning text this morning and silence. It's been 24 hours since I put all that out there. We'll see.

One of my biggest stumbling blocks is just how does one trust again? You know how they say on here that never trust what they say? Well, that's true. And even what you see has to be questioned. Mine straight up lied in MC about the OM and never batted an eye. Part of me will always keep that door open to some extent, but there is also part of me that asks, over and over, how can she be trusted? I can't unsee what I've seen, or un-read what I've read, or un-hear what I heard. And that's hard. Very hard.

So, honestly I don't how to answer how you should believe him. Some say transparency, but even that can be not so transparent with burner phones, emails, etc. I know I may sound a little jaded, it's because I guess I am a little. She destroyed my trust. But it can be done. I just don't know how.

It's very difficult. I have not been able to trust him 100% since these things have happened. I feel like something comes up again and again every few months. The most recent thing being this party he is deciding to go to without me because she will be there. Absolutely nuts.

I think you just have to make a decision to trust again and maybe it will happen over time? I have no idea. You would have to be ok with putting yourself out there again to possibly be taken advantage of again. I don't know how people move past lies, especially when there's infidelity. I've not had any evidence for a PA, but who knows.

I honestly don't know what it takes to be the kind of person who forgives and perseveres.

When I sit and think about everything, all these other problems that came about after I confronted him about his ex, I feel like I was being punished for it. And I feel like I deserve more.

I'm hurt and angry but trying not to let these feelings consume me. I'm trying to take care of myself.

[NMC]

It's been well over a day since I had that conversation with my husband, and I haven't heard a word.

Tonight I went out with my sister and it felt so good to get out of the house. I found a few meetup groups that look fun that have events this weekend. I'm trying to focus on making my life as fulfilling as possible.

A few months ago I would have felt devastated not hearing back from my husband regarding things that seem to be a no-brainer. This time, I feel really good and confident. I keep thinking, why sit around and wait for someone who married me to respect me? I have to respect myself!

I've only been a part of this community for a day and it has already given me so much support. I know there will be good and bad days, and I'm still open to all possibilities, but I am so very grateful to have found this place. You all are wonderful.

[Bippy78]

Just popping in to say, "awesome"! I felt stupid when I first joined a few years ago because people had 25 year marriages they were working on, and I had a couple years, so stay encouraged.

But let me just say - like you, SO had lots of single male friends. Even when I objected about it on social media, she made comments. And she said, "Oh I would NEVER date anyone on Facebook'. And yet, she ended up cheating with a single guy on Facebook, who posted lots of pics with lots of girls. Which kinda makes me chuckle as she gets used by him....

My point is allow some sad/crappy feelings to happen, because it will. But then decide what amazing feeling you're gonna search out to replace it!

[ForGump]

Just dropped in to say how incredibly difficult it is to give up on a marriage. I remember in the first or second year of my marriage, feeling so frustrated and cornered by my wife's irrational, explosive anger. I remember after an angry outburst from her, going out to our backyard in the dark, under-dressed and feeling cold, looking up at the night sky and feeling so lonely, wondering, who did I marry, should I leave. But I couldn't, because she was already pregnant with our child. Things got a little better after the pregnancy and we even had some good times yet ... here I am in this forum.

A person's basic character doesn't change. Mental health issues take years to improve, if at all. Look at your husband with your eyes wide open. 34 isn't that old. You are still young.

I hope this helps you.

[NMC]

Just popping in to say, "awesome"! I felt stupid when I first joined a few years ago because people had 25 year marriages they were working on, and I had a couple years, so stay encouraged.

But let me just say - like you, SO had lots of single male friends. Even when I objected about it on social media, she made comments. And she said, "Oh I would NEVER date anyone on Facebook'. And yet, she ended up cheating with a single guy on Facebook, who posted lots of pics with lots of girls. Which kinda makes me chuckle as she gets used by him....

My point is allow some sad/crappy feelings to happen, because it will. But then decide what amazing feeling you're gonna search out to replace it!

Bippy78- I'm sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It's funny how people can say things to "reassure" you, just so that they can go on doing whatever selfish thing it is they want to do.

I know it will be a rollercoaster, but for right now I'm feeling confident and good about the things I had to say to my husband. If he can't agree on this, given all the lies he told me about this woman, then I would be crazy to keep subjecting myself to this. I'm a good person who deserves better.

When I start to feel a bit down, I just think back to the convo we had when I first invited him over to talk and he just screamed at me, saying this was all my fault, how I was a terrible wife, and mocked my feelings about his ex, calling me insecure about it. I think back to all the times he blamed me for our lack of a sex life. I was the one begging him to agree to couple's therapy or at least to meet with our priest. He refused until I was out the door. And then it was 12 weeks of him in total denial of his behavior.

I'm too smart to listen to this garbage. I know I have tried my best, and even now still trying! We all have flaws and make mistakes. I forgave him time after time and he just continued to do what he wanted. I never strayed, never was inappropriate with exes, and was supportive and a wife who took her responsibilities seriously and made them top priority.

If he can't see this and appreciate me, I'm not going to spend my life trying to convince him otherwise. I keep telling myself I"m not perfect, but I'm the whole d*mn package! Someone will think that of me, if not my husband. I have to be hopeful of that. I hope some of you can give yourselves pep talks like this. It feels false and forced in the beginning, but over time you really believe it and take it to heart.

[NMC]

I remember in the first or second year of my marriage, feeling so frustrated and cornered by my wife's irrational, explosive anger. I remember after an angry outburst from her, going out to our backyard in the dark, under-dressed and feeling cold, looking up at the night sky and feeling so lonely, wondering, who did I marry, should I leave. But I couldn't, because she was already pregnant with our child. Things got a little better after the pregnancy and we even had some good times yet ... here I am in this forum.

A person's basic character doesn't change. Mental health issues take years to improve, if at all. Look at your husband with your eyes wide open. 34 isn't that old. You are still young.

I hope this helps you.

ForGump- Absolutely! I'm curious about your wife's anger. What would happen when she was angry? What would she get angry about? I can understand that loneliness you felt so well. For half of our married year together, my husband ignored me. He would come home stressed from work (whether I jumped on him to kiss him when he walked in, or gave him time to relax before I kissed him, either way it was an annoyance for him), go straight to the home office (to not be with me, not to work most times), and wouldn't spend any time with me during the evenings. He wouldn't make plans for the weekends. I would cry myself to sleep so many nights because there was no affection, no intimacy, and I would go to bed alone almost every night.

My husband would say I was angry and violent because of my "outbursts". These outbursts were almost always about him lying and me finding out about it. Every single time. Even though I had reason to be mad, I've been seeing a therapist and learned how to better manage my anger. The other night when my husband was screaming and pointing his finger in my face, I didn't yell back, as I would have in the past. It felt good once he left that I was able to stay in control.

He often used my anger as an excuse to say that's why he didn't want to have sex with me, even though I would only get upset when I discovered he was lying about something. So things would go like this: we'd have an argument where I would yell, then weeks would go by because he "needed time" after an argument to feel attracted to me again (we never, ever had make-up sex), then when 2 months would go by without any sex, I would bring it up, he would get angry, we'd argue, and the clock would start over again.

Wondering if anyone has been through something life this.

I know I'm not old, but I spent 4.5 years with this man and we had wanted children together. By the time this resolves, I feel like I may have lost my chance to have children. I spent many years working on my career and so it's hard not to feel bad about this.