I'm really trying not to overthink this, but like I mentioned earlier, he hasn't responded to any of my emails in our email chain with myself, him and his brother about this business stuff...nothing personal. All day long I didn't hear from him and yes, something may have come up, but he said yesterday he was going to have plenty of time to work on this project. Anyway, nothing all day and his brother finally replied back to the chain and within a minute, H replied back to his brother's reply. I had to email them again, so I asked them both a question and no reply. Guaranty he'll wait til his brother says anything before he replies back so that he's technically responding to his brother and not me. Ugh, tonight is not going to be a good night!
Your situation is almost exactly what my W did. Hers was with an old BF she knew before me. It lasted a few weeks of heavy texting and phone calls, during vacation too. All started "innocent" same as you. He started with the sexual innuendos, seductive talk, probing for where it could go. She liked the attention and the compliments. Blah, blah, blah. When I found out she lied about everything. And kept lying, and may still be. It took 6 months to get an admission she even met the guy even though I knew she did. Then 2 more months when the OM sent me a pic of another meeting they had. Again denying she met him. And 2 years later we are still together I don't trust her fully and when I think about it I get angry.
So whatever you do....DO NOT LIE! Tell the whole story, don't leave anything out, answer all his questions fully, don't downplay what you did. If you want him to trust you, you have to be trustworthy, little things and big things.
Realize that you are responsible to rebuild the trust and the timeframe is how long it takes him to trust you. The length of time will be partially dependent on your actions and partially about him. You can only do your part. Actions are better than words.
That is one part. You also have to explore yourself and determine why you did this and fix your issues. If you have some low self esteem issue and need the attention from OM's then you need to fix that or you may do it again.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Your situation is almost exactly what my W did. Hers was with an old BF she knew before me. It lasted a few weeks of heavy texting and phone calls, during vacation too. All started "innocent" same as you. He started with the sexual innuendos, seductive talk, probing for where it could go. She liked the attention and the compliments. Blah, blah, blah. When I found out she lied about everything. And kept lying, and may still be. It took 6 months to get an admission she even met the guy even though I knew she did. Then 2 more months when the OM sent me a pic of another meeting they had. Again denying she met him. And 2 years later we are still together I don't trust her fully and when I think about it I get angry.
So whatever you do....DO NOT LIE! Tell the whole story, don't leave anything out, answer all his questions fully, don't downplay what you did. If you want him to trust you, you have to be trustworthy, little things and big things.
Realize that you are responsible to rebuild the trust and the timeframe is how long it takes him to trust you. The length of time will be partially dependent on your actions and partially about him. You can only do your part. Actions are better than words.
That is one part. You also have to explore yourself and determine why you did this and fix your issues. If you have some low self esteem issue and need the attention from OM's then you need to fix that or you may do it again.
I am working on me and really digging deep. I know my selfishness and self-centeredness is a big part of what brought me to this point. It was all about me. He was doing his part to work on giving me what I needed and my selfishness only saw what I wasn't getting.
I am doing everything in my power to be 100% transparent. My relationship with this guy didn't get very far, thank God, but I he really believes there is more to it and that more information will come out later. I guess only time will tell, but I really have nothing to hide. Thats one of the hardest parts in this, is getting him to believe there was no physical contact and no intention for any physical contact either. I get my actions are the only thing that can prove that, just doing my best to find the right actions to prove it.
Thank you all for your input, advice and encouragement. I am leaving work and won't have access to this site til Monday, so I hope everyone has a good weekend. Hopefully I'll have some better news coming back on Monday...no expectations though.
You are brave and should be commended for trying to save your M. Some points that have not yet been brought up:
1. In addition to being angry, your H is on his own emotional roller coaster of sadness, betrayal, feeling like a failure and probably very alone. For the first month after my W's bomb drop, I felt like I was suffocating in shame and that I couldn't tell anyone including my closest friends what was going on. When it started visibly affecting me (a month of sleeplessness does that), I finally let it all out with one of my buddies. You are probably your H's best friend and he can't talk to you...so he may feel he can't talk to anyone. Until he gets to the point where he can talk about this with someone, it's going to be hard for him to be able to process his feelings and think about reconciling with you. If your H is like me, he has a harder time with feelings and has a harder time opening up to others, even his closest buddies.
2. If your H has some sexual issue, this is humiliating for a man and hurts his ego and his own perception of his manliness. And do you know what's it feels like for him to know that you were discussing this with the OM? It is totally and utterly emasculating. It's like you took a cleaver and cut his balls off! That is how I would feel. You were laughing about his limp d*** to another guy (or something along those lines). In your posts to date, I don't think you really get how he feels about this. How would you feel if you heard him taking to another woman about how sexually inadequate you are?
3. I ageee with others that you need to give time and space, but really think about these things so when you talk again (and you will) you can be more specific in understanding how your actions hurt your H. I am not good at apologizing, so when I have an important one to make, I actually write out what I am sorry for and how I am going to amend my life. I take this out and read it when the time is right and it shows my W that I have really been thinking about it.
4. You are still living together so there are little opportunities to create positive energy every day, little things. Observe what softens him or opens him up, write it down and do more of that. Observe what hardens him or closes him up, write it down and stop doing that. That may be things that are said, body language/touches, small acts of service. You can't control what he does, so this will give you a list of things you can do.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
5. If your H has read the text messages about how hot you think the OM is and he is.not a Calvin Klein underwear model, then he is also feeling bad about his physique.
6. His mind is racing. His heart is broken. And you said this happened to him before. Maybe he thinks he can't satisfy women so they cheat on him. Maybe he thinks all women are untrustworthy. And on and on and on...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hey Pit, I have copied the link to my story. Glean from it what helps you. I have not read it for a while, now. It still hurts to think of that dark place I placed myself. It is very embarrassing, frankly.
If I had to narrow it down to the two people who helped me the most, it would be AmyC and imlyn. They no longer post, and I miss them greatly.
If I recall correctly AmyC and her H also reconciled after a very bumpy ride.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well, so not much really to report. A few instances came up that I thought on Monday I'd run by everyone, but he changes from one minute (a little longer lol) to the next. Right now I feel like I'm along for the ride. There will be things he says to get my hopes up such as talking about "us" in the future, nothing nice, just things like now he has to live the rest of his life with a cheater, but hey, he's talking about our future, then in the same conversation, he'll say that he's never getting married again, but he's going to be 100% certain his next girlfriend isn't a cheater.
Last night he was on his sleeping pill plus started drinking some beer (bad combo I know but I can't tell him anything right now). He gets mad if I say anything about that, even though I'm saying it in a caring manner that I don't want him hurting his body because of this. Anyway, he was high and tipsy so he came into my room to talk again. It seemed like he actually wanted to talk because the reason he came in for was not really a reason , but then he didn't leave after that and said "well nows your chance to talk." I'm trying to say as little as possible anymore. I tell him nothing has changed since we last talked, that I still love him and will do everything in my power to prove it to him everyday....etc. Then same as before, he starts getting angry. This time he turned on his "I hate you" song and blasted it, so I went and sat outside for a little bit. Then I came back in and tried to go to bed again. He came in again and in a much softer tone started talking about things not related to any of this. He would throw some things in there like "you want to call your boyfriend about that?" But overall he was really calm. This is one of those times I don't want to get my hopes up. He gives me the chance to talk, but today will be back to "hating" me again and usually he'll try to overcompensate for being nice to me the day before.
As for me, I'm really trying to use this time to work on me. I know things like what I did just don't happen overnight, which means there is a lot of soul-searching to do. I told him last night that is what I am doing and hopefully by the end of this, I will be a better wife and person, for him and myself.
One question I could ask y'all is about transparency. That came up in our conversation last night and he said there's no such thing because there's always a way around it. For example, he went to his work Christmas party Friday night and was gone for almost 5 hours. He had originally told me he wasn't going, but last minute he did which left me frantic trying to find a way to prove that I was home alone all night and not talking with this guy. I sent a picture with the time in it every 30 minutes. His thing is that the guy could have been in the house even though I took the picture. I was on the phone with my mom and bestfriend (different times) but for a total of over 3 hours. I cleaned, did his laundry..anything I could think of to prove I was there at the house. While I think he believes me, there's always a way around any of it. Every 30 minutes...ok....I could run down the street and check back in every 30. I don't know, he says its useless trying to be transparent in today's day and age with access to fake email and all that, but thats all I know to do at this point.
