Cheated and need advice

[Jug]

Sandi would be the best to answer this but I think those rules don't apply to your situation. I'd read her whole situation from the start. Giving your h space and trying to meet his needs seems like the best you can do. I have been and am mad, sad, and depressed like your h and definitely sympathize with him. I just wish my ww was trying anything. Make a plan and present it to him. Make real changes to your life and show them.

Thank you Jug. Its been less than a week since this all happened and I'm desperate to get all the info I can right now so I don't make things worse. On behalf of us cheating scumbags, I'm so sorry you are going through this and for what we have done to you.

Just like you wish your WW would try like I am, I wish my H were on a thread like this trying to get some support. I have encouraged him to talk to people that have been in his shoes so that he can get their support and advice and/or go to counseling either with me or alone and he won't do it. I dont really blame him. This has happened to him before and the last one he actually gave a second chance to and they did it again. Right now I think he's going to feel like a pushover chump if he gives me a second chance too. I know I'm going to have to do most of the footwork on this if we're going to make it, just wish he'd find some support somewhere.

Thank you for your words of kindness and acceptance. Following sandi2's story should be informative and inspiring for you. I think where you can help others like me is to honestly share what you are thinking and feeling. Take care.

[pitiful]

Ugh, trying to stay calm and positive right now. Last night H didn't say anything to me for hours after being home, which is typical since this and I expected. I said something to him once, just generic really can't even remember what it was about, and he pretty much told me to get lost. At 10 he took a sleeping pill which he has picked back up since all of this, and an hour later came in my room and said he was in a slightly good mood so now was the time for me to talk. He was high off the pill, I get that, but I was going to use this opportunity. I have been leaving him little notes morning and night telling what I appreciate about him and that I love him. He told me I should just stop that. Then we got back into rehashing what had happened and still trying to make sense of it all. He listened for a while then just kept saying, "this isnt going to work, I'll never get over this." I take that with a grain of salt because I know in his mind right now it seems impossible but hopefully with time it will get better. I know he'll never be able to fully "forget" but have a future with me...I am hoping so. Anyway, the conversation just finally drifted and I ran out of things to say...found myself begging and trying to convince him that I would never stop trying to prove my love for him. He stayed quiet for the most part, so I just kept trying to talk til I knew he was done with the convo. So I said I love you, goodnight. His response was p*ss off. Not long after that he had gone to bed and I heard talking. I got up to find what it was and thought at first he was talking on the phone, then I realized he was just listening to my old voicemails. I knew nothing was on there...or ever has, so I didn't let it get to me and went back to bed.

On to this morning, I get to work and send him my regular email that I'm at work along with my schedule. No response-fine. A little side note - we've gone into an investment on a property with his brother. We all work together on this and some stuff came up last night that I said I would look into the next day (today). I looked into it and sent out two emails to both of them with what I had found or understood....and nothing. He hasn't even said one word about that, which is pure business. Now I'm nervous he's mad at himself for talking to me last night. He did that after we had sex two nights after this all blew up. He regretted that and went into overdrive in making sure I knew things hadn't changed. He still wanted nothing to do with me. Now I'm afraid...even though it was far from sex that he is upset that he let himself talk to me last night and things are going to be extra rough when I get home tonight. Trying to mentally prepare myself, but I can only prepare for so much.

[pitiful]

Thank you for your words of kindness and acceptance. Following sandi2's story should be informative and inspiring for you. I think where you can help others like me is to honestly share what you are thinking and feeling. Take care.

I've been looking around and can't find her story. Could you point me in the right direction?

[Cadet]

Thank you for your words of kindness and acceptance. Following sandi2's story should be informative and inspiring for you. I think where you can help others like me is to honestly share what you are thinking and feeling. Take care.

I've been looking around and can't find her story. Could you point me in the right direction?

Start with her link in the homework,

you can find more by clicking on her name, show posts and topics created.

[Cadet]

Also stop trying to prove to him that you love him with WORDS.
Prove it with ACTIONS.
All the begging, pleading, arguing is not helping you.

[sandi2]

Hi Pitiful. (I hope you change that name in the near future. ). You may feel everything you've called yourself, plus the names your H has thrown at you. You need to take slow, deep, breaths right now, okay? When we panick, we aren't in the best shape to process some things.

Let me pick up where you were away on your trip and knowingly drank wine to up your courage to carry on with the OM. First of all, this is EXACTLY what leads to affairs, and to serial cheating......and acting as Girls Gone Wild. Second of all, you don't know who you were dealing with (OM). Yes, he is a guy at the gym where you go. You do not know the horrors of what may be attached to him.......or the horrors he could cause you and your family. Without getting into specific stories, I hope this will scare the mess out of you........just like it scared me. It is very dangerous and a careless act to start flirting and getting ego strokes from men you barely know by name. In the beginning, the flirting is *suppose* to not be taken seriously. What harm can it be, right? Well, you know how it made you feel. Add a sense of naughtiness and secrecy......and you will be addicted before you know what has hit you. Be glad you were caught before anymore time passed. Nothing good comes from that type of actitivity. Don't mean to sound like your grandmother preaching at you. I also got involved with OM that started out with flirtatious messaging.

Your H has the right to feel what he feels. But he doesn't have the right to treat you like a prisoner. He may need some physical space for a few days, IDK. Btw, the 37 rules are not really tailored for your particular position. For now, we need to help you get both feet firmly planted, and know what you can do.

Transparency should be an agreement between you and your H (or it can be just your own decision as to what you will do), about how you can give an account of your whereabouts, electronic contacts, etc. It can be effective in earning the trust you have broken, by maintaining an open record for your H. It helps you stick to your resolve to never enter those realms of betrayal again. Transparency should not be needed for the rest of your life. It is a plan to use until your H feels he can trust you. It is not for punitive purposes.

Okay, maybe others can offer suggestions of what you can do, and I will start this off by telling you to block OM's calls, FB, and anything else that was used or had in common with each other. That also includes the gym. Don't trust going at a different time or day b/c that does not work to assure your H. It would only take one slip with the OM showing up when you were there......and blow up the MR. It is not worth your M. You can go to another gym or just stop altogether. Do not ask anyone any questions about OM. Break/block any source of connecting with him. If you accidentally see him across the store, for instance, drop everything and take off. You cannot afford to take a chance in anyone seeing you two speaking. Even if you were trying to tell him to get lost, there is that chance of word getting back to your H (especially if you live in a small town). I'm sure it goes without saying that if the OM should call you at work......or show up......do not tolerate it for a second.

There are various devises that track your car, show what you've typed with your keyboard, who you've called on the phone, etc. If your H wishes to use it, then your attitude should be "no problem" and actually welcome anything that will back you. If you go shopping, save receipts. If you eat out.....save receipts. Anything that shows you were where you said you were, is a way of accounting to your H. Of course, it is up to your H if he decides to believe you or not. And if he doesn't, there isn't much else you can do.

Do not shut your bedroom door. Do not shut the door to your computer room. Do not go outside to talk on the phone. Do not walk into another room to talk on the phone, even if it is your mother. It is vitally important to prevent anything from appearing as secretive or private. That requires you being aware of your actions at all times.

I want to say something about you being scared when traffic was slow and your H going into another rage. This is not right. As much as he wants to make you hurt, it is not his place to punish you. It is one thing for you to love your H, but it is another to be treated as if you are his child, or a prisoner. Know what I mean? Your fear and his punitive ways could easily cause you and your H to set an unhealthy pattern in the MR. Transparency has to have your cooperation and willingness to make your H feel secure in the M again. It is for you to earn his trust, and to help him feel secure again. It has nothing to do with forgiveness.

Forgiveness cannot be earned, b/c it is an act of grace. If he continues to berate you, then you may have to readjust a few actions, but it is basically up to him to forgive, or not. Currently, he is not ready nor willing to forgive you. IMHO, you do not have to spend your life with a spouse who is unwilling to forgive........just as a spouse does not have to live with a cheater.

If you have been remorseful (and it sounds that you are) and you are doing everything you can to be transparent, then it is basically up to him and time to help with the healing and forgiveness. He refuses to attend MC, so that tells me something is imperfect in your H. Perhaps this is his usual behavior or reaction to things that cause this much fury? Does he hang on to resentments and refuse to forgive others for their transgressions?

It has only been about a week. So, give him time. Don't smother him with your presence or talking too much. Currently, I don't suggest you go out to GAL without your H, due to his suspicions. Don't talk about what happened, unless he asks questions. Make things at home as pleasant as you can, and don't beg, whine, etc. Although you did wrong, you have expressed your sorrow and resolve to not engage in that type of behavior again. So, wash your face and hold your head up. Not in a prideful/stubborn manner, but as if to say you are going forward in being a better person and as a faithful spouse. You will do whatever it takes to save your M. Hopefully, your H will get on board with you.

This post is way too long already, but you might want to tell us how happy your relationship was with your H, before you succumbed to getting an emotional need met by another man. I have a feeling, there is much more to the story. And before anyone starts hollering it's no excuse to cheat........I know.

You will discover the majority of board members are left behind spouses and have endured a unique pain that perhaps you or I will never experience. I've hung around here a long time, and it has been extremely rare that a LBS lashes out with angry words toward me. These folks are a special lot, IMHO. They are some of the most selfless people I have had the privilege of knowing, as much as one can on an anmonious forum. I believe we all learn from each other, and I certainly have learned a lot from the people on the DB board.

[pitiful]

Sandi2, thank you so much for your honest input. I keep hearing I need to follow your story, so I'm trying to find it and glean from it.

The day after it happened and my husband gave me access to my phone (in front of him), I went and blocked him and any mutual friends (all gym friends) on text and social media. I have no intention of ever stepping foot in that gym again. This guy doesn't know my office phone number, although he knows what company I work for so I'm sure he could find it, but we really don't know that much about each other. I really have no desire to see or talk to this guy as I had no emotional investment in him. Again, we hadn't been talking for very long and I never pictured a relationship with him. It was all about the attention for me, even though I know that is just as bad.

As far as issues with our relationship, for the most part it really was amazing. We were partners in crime. Life literally has been just us and it takes effort on our part to get out and socialize with other people. Going through all of this, it really has made me realize how selfish I have been in our relationship. He gave and gave to me and I took so much of it for granted. There was one issue which I haven't really gotten into on here but plays an important part in this is our sex life. I've been hesitant to say anything because 1) I don't want to offer up any excuses for what I did and 2) that night that I got drunk, I told this guy through text about our issues. I think I mentioned it in my original post, but I think that is the part that is hurting him the most. He saw the texts and feels so betrayed and demeaned by me revealing something that never should have gone outside the walls of our home, especially since he has been working on it. That being said, I know that when I go to counseling, it is going to get brought up, but I can't do anything about it or use it as an excuse, so I don't feel there's even a point in me even going there.

[Jug]

I'm not a fan of ww or cheaters(understatement) but love and appreciate sandi2 for how she has given back to this community and helped me personally.

P - I appreciate your remorse and humble manner and wish you well. Wish my ww were like you.

[Jug]

...and know this doesn't have to define you as a person.

[pitiful]

...and know this doesn't have to define you as a person.

Thanks Jug. I'm trying not to let it. H thinks it does, but I try to let things that he says like that roll off my back, because I know deep down in my heart, I would never let this happen again. Its just not worth it.