Not even married a year- hopeless?

[ForGump]

There is only one thing worse than being in a bad marriage: being in a bad marriage with young children. It's FAR FAR FAR worse.

I know 34 makes you feel like the clocking is ticking fast, and I don't deny that it is but don't stay in this marriage so you can have kids with this fellow. Better to try something else (e.g., in vitro or adopt) later with someone else than try to force this to work.

Your H's relationship w/ his ex, as you described it, is entirely inappropriate. He should not be having regular meetings and texts with her, let alone secret ones.

Your subject line asks, "Not even married a year- hopeless?" I won't sugarcoat this. But the answer is yes. It's hopeless. I'm sorry. I just see far too much trouble in your marriage. There are people who show up here who have had 25 years of a good marriage, with young kids, sex and laughter every day for 25 years, and ... now they're here. You have been married a year.

But not all is lost. You can see this as a gift to your future self. Whatever you learn as you walk away from this wreckage can help you be in a far better place with your next relationship. Do some soul searching about how you chose the man you did. Why were you drawn to this person? Why didn't you see the fatal flaws you see now? How did you react poorly to problems?

If your H were to post here, what are the worst accusations and complaints he would have of you? Whether or not they are true, you could use those criticisms to examine yourself, and see if there is room for improvement, to be a healthier future partner for someone else.

Sorry for the bad news. I'm just calling it as I see it. We are all in deep pain here.

[Dawgs]

I realize that he may not end that friendship. I am going to reach out to him to have a conversation. I would like for us to come to some agreement on how we talk to each other (no more texting our feelings). I will make it clear that if he cannot end that relationship, this marriage will be over. I'm glad you all agree I am not being unreasonable by doing so.

Reaching out for that conversation may look good on the surface but underneath just make sure it isn't a trap. I'd just straight up tell him that texting feelings is impersonal and if he wants to say how he feels, then say it. That way you can get the body language meaning - its much easier to fake while texting.

Good for you on standing the ground about the other relationship. It's an EA at best and PA at worst, and honestly I would say PA with the "secret meetings."

I ordered the DR book and it will arrive tomorrow. I will make the most of this weekend. Once it arrives, I'm sure this will be clear, but did it help many of you make a plan on how to move forward? I feel so lost with my feelings and need a road map..

The book is great and gives wonderful advice. However, keep in mind that advice may/may not work in your situation as everyone is different. What works for some doesn't for others, and if you've read my threads then you'll know mine is much, much different and none of it worked. Hope the best!

[Dawgs]

Spot on, Gump.

Your H's relationship w/ his ex, as you described it, is entirely inappropriate. He should not be having regular meetings and texts with her, let alone secret ones.

Your subject line asks, "Not even married a year- hopeless?" I won't sugarcoat this. But the answer is yes. It's hopeless. I'm sorry. I just see far too much trouble in your marriage. There are people who show up here who have had 25 years of a good marriage, with young kids, sex and laughter every day for 25 years, and ... now they're here. You have been married a year.

This is really, really good stuff. Sorry, but I'll have to agree with Gump.

But not all is lost. You can see this as a gift to your future self. Whatever you learn as you walk away from this wreckage can help you be in a far better place with your next relationship. Do some soul searching about how you chose the man you did. Why were you drawn to this person? Why didn't you see the fatal flaws you see now? How did you react poorly to problems?

Very, very good advice.

[sandi2]

I have to agree with Jeep and ForGump. I will go even further and say that I would not be surprised that your marriage began under false pretenses. Not on your part, but that of your H. I suspect he either M you in order to punish his ex, apply emotional pressure to his ex, or in order to get over his ex......and now he is miserable. Did he ever tell you why he broke up with her? Do they have a child together?

His actions strongly hint he is not a man of integrity. Anytime a man or woman continues a so-called friendship with an ex-fiancé while entering a new relationship with another person........ red flags are waving high. I am not referring to a polite hello, if unexpectantly running in to the ex. I mean where they continue contacting each other frequently. It is especially serious and extremely questionable when those messages become secretive. Forget transparency with their messaging.........they should have no contact whatsoever.

Another big flag wave is him not wanting to engage in having sex with you, and his reaction to you trying to touch him. Did he have any issues before the past 6 months, like ED, or something else?

Does his family live near? Do you know very much about his childhood and school years?

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you will not try to get pregnant, thinking that will change him. It only makes things worse.

[Dawgs]

Awesome, Sandi, just awesome.

will go even further and say that I would not be surprised that your marriage began under false pretenses. Not on your part, but that of your H. I suspect he either M you in order to punish his ex, apply emotional pressure to his ex, or in order to get over his ex......and now he is miserable.

I didn't think of that, but it makes so much sense. I think it can also be applied to my ex - not so much that she was trying to get over someone else, but really doing it out of some need related to her childhood and abuse.

His actions strongly hint he is not a man of integrity. Anytime a man or woman continues a so-called friendship with an ex-fiancé while entering a new relationship with another person........ red flags are waving high. I am not referring to a polite hello, if unexpectantly running in to the ex. I mean where they continue contacting each other frequently. It is especially serious and extremely questionable when those messages become secretive. Forget transparency with their messaging.........they should have no contact whatsoever.

That is one hell of a flag. Not to be rude or sounding uncaring, but there may be other things you don't know about.

Do you know very much about his childhood and school years?

This is a very good question that I wish I could have answered about mine.

[bsb]

I'm sorry you are here! Like you I have been married less than a year. Just a little over 6 months. So I understand the shock of how this can be happening so soon in the marriage.

Several have given great advice. I'm not sure if it's hopeless. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting for. My advice is to take a step back and take some time. I'm still new here but I can tell you my feelings about the whole situation has changed with time. You will start thinking with less emotion as time goes on and then you will know what you truly want.

Keep posting!!

[NMC]

The good people here keep reminding me there is no room for a third party in a marriage. Stay strong.

Gordie- I absolutely agree. I thought I was doing the considerate thing by being ok with my husband remaining friends with her, despite my gut reaction to say no way! I didn't want to be selfish, but it totally bit me in the you know what. I feel a bit foolish now for not just standing up for what I believed in earlier. Better late than never though. Thanks for your words.

[NMC]

There is only one thing worse than being in a bad marriage: being in a bad marriage with young children. It's FAR FAR FAR worse.

ForGump- Yes! Even though things are not going the way I had thought, I am very thankful these problems arose prior to having children. There is no way I am having children with my husband at this time or in the foreseeable future. If things work out, I would have to give it A LOT of time before I felt certain enough.

Your H's relationship w/ his ex, as you described it, is entirely inappropriate. He should not be having regular meetings and texts with her, let alone secret ones.

Let me clarify. The secret meetings and texts occurred during the first 6 months of our relationship (that I know of). I discovered it by looking through his phone (very not proud of having done this, but I had suspicions and it turned out true). He said he wouldn't do it again, but a few days after we got married, he sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday and ask how she was doing. Literally, 2 or 3 days after we got married.

For one year during our relationship, I was in another state completing fellowship training. I know during that time he met with her to meet her now-husband. I've no idea what else he was up to.

Also to clarify, it was always my husband initiating and maintaining contact with her. She got married last year and now has a child with her husband.

He wants her in his life. I can't deny that. He's willing to not bring me to his friends' get-togethers if she is there, like this coming Saturday. I won't stand for it anymore.

I remember another instance of an ex of his I met early when we were dating- she was disrespectful to me from the minute we met- we met only once. He didn't seem to notice and we got into an argument about it. He cut off contact. Two years later he is on a business trip in her state, and he texted her letting her know he was there.

Writing all this out gets my blood really heated...

But not all is lost. You can see this as a gift to your future self. Whatever you learn as you walk away from this wreckage can help you be in a far better place with your next relationship. Do some soul searching about how you chose the man you did. Why were you drawn to this person? Why didn't you see the fatal flaws you see now? How did you react poorly to problems?

If your H were to post here, what are the worst accusations and complaints he would have of you? Whether or not they are true, you could use those criticisms to examine yourself, and see if there is room for improvement, to be a healthier future partner for someone else.

This is so great. I was drawn to him because we got along, enjoyed each other's company and shared similar values. I realize I did see many flaws, but I chose to not walk away because of them- I felt like we could work on things over time. Pretty naive, I know..

I heard his criticisms and accusations of me during therapy. They were just so out-of-this-world that even the therapist couldn't understand. It was like he was talking about someone else. He has repeatedly called me a bully- he doesn't say how he has come to this conclusion. He insinuates me losing my temper is part of it, but I never lost my temper over something like leaving the toilet seat up. It has been a handful of times and always because of me discovering his lies. But I have a feeling it has to do with me wanting him to cut his ex out. He will manipulate this and tell the therapist I don't want him hanging out with his friends when this is ABSOLUTELY NOT the case. Never has been. I really enjoy spending time with his friends.

I am using this as a way to improve myself. I am really focused now I'm growing to be a stronger, more courageous, and patient person. Therapy helped me understand myself more, but it didn't do squat for the marriage.

Thank you so much for your words!

[Dawgs]

I thought I was doing the considerate thing by being ok with my husband remaining friends with her, despite my gut reaction to say no way! I didn't want to be selfish, but it totally bit me in the you know what. I feel a bit foolish now for not just standing up for what I believed in earlier. Better late than never though. Thanks for your words.

Crazy how we think things are OK just to keep someone else's attention, eh? The thing is, you learned. It took me far too long to learn and when I did, well I'll never know if it was too late. And better late is much better than never. Count on it.

[NMC]

Reaching out for that conversation may look good on the surface but underneath just make sure it isn't a trap. I'd just straight up tell him that texting feelings is impersonal and if he wants to say how he feels, then say it. That way you can get the body language meaning - its much easier to fake while texting.

Good for you on standing the ground about the other relationship. It's an EA at best and PA at worst, and honestly I would say PA with the "secret meetings."

Jeep74- I invited him over the have the conversation yesterday afternoon. He sat and listened. I told him exactly how I felt. I said there cannot be any contact with that woman. This must be agreed upon before we can tackle any of our other problems. I don't know what he will come back to me and say. I think about his responses. If he agrees to cut this woman out, would I believe him? He's made promises before and broke them when it has come to her. Is it time for me to just say he had 4.5 years to sort this out and the fact that he doesn't (and seems to choose to keep her in his life despite how I feel) speaks volumes. Why should I settle for this? If I don't have exes hanging around, I deserve to be with someone who believes the same!

The book is great and gives wonderful advice. However, keep in mind that advice may/may not work in your situation as everyone is different. What works for some doesn't for others, and if you've read my threads then you'll know mine is much, much different and none of it worked. Hope the best!

I will keep that in mind. I'm starting to read various threads and I am eager to know your story as well.

Thanks again for your insight.