There is only one thing worse than being in a bad marriage: being in a bad marriage with young children. It's FAR FAR FAR worse.
ForGump- Yes! Even though things are not going the way I had thought, I am very thankful these problems arose prior to having children. There is no way I am having children with my husband at this time or in the foreseeable future. If things work out, I would have to give it A LOT of time before I felt certain enough.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
Your H's relationship w/ his ex, as you described it, is entirely inappropriate. He should not be having regular meetings and texts with her, let alone secret ones.
Let me clarify. The secret meetings and texts occurred during the first 6 months of our relationship (that I know of). I discovered it by looking through his phone (very not proud of having done this, but I had suspicions and it turned out true). He said he wouldn't do it again, but a few days after we got married, he sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday and ask how she was doing. Literally, 2 or 3 days after we got married.
For one year during our relationship, I was in another state completing fellowship training. I know during that time he met with her to meet her now-husband. I've no idea what else he was up to.
Also to clarify, it was always my husband initiating and maintaining contact with her. She got married last year and now has a child with her husband.
He wants her in his life. I can't deny that. He's willing to not bring me to his friends' get-togethers if she is there, like this coming Saturday. I won't stand for it anymore.
I remember another instance of an ex of his I met early when we were dating- she was disrespectful to me from the minute we met- we met only once. He didn't seem to notice and we got into an argument about it. He cut off contact. Two years later he is on a business trip in her state, and he texted her letting her know he was there.
Writing all this out gets my blood really heated...
Originally Posted By: ForGump
But not all is lost. You can see this as a gift to your future self. Whatever you learn as you walk away from this wreckage can help you be in a far better place with your next relationship. Do some soul searching about how you chose the man you did. Why were you drawn to this person? Why didn't you see the fatal flaws you see now? How did you react poorly to problems?
If your H were to post here, what are the worst accusations and complaints he would have of you? Whether or not they are true, you could use those criticisms to examine yourself, and see if there is room for improvement, to be a healthier future partner for someone else.
This is so great. I was drawn to him because we got along, enjoyed each other's company and shared similar values. I realize I did see many flaws, but I chose to not walk away because of them- I felt like we could work on things over time. Pretty naive, I know..
I heard his criticisms and accusations of me during therapy. They were just so out-of-this-world that even the therapist couldn't understand. It was like he was talking about someone else. He has repeatedly called me a bully- he doesn't say how he has come to this conclusion. He insinuates me losing my temper is part of it, but I never lost my temper over something like leaving the toilet seat up. It has been a handful of times and always because of me discovering his lies. But I have a feeling it has to do with me wanting him to cut his ex out. He will manipulate this and tell the therapist I don't want him hanging out with his friends when this is ABSOLUTELY NOT the case. Never has been. I really enjoy spending time with his friends.
I am using this as a way to improve myself. I am really focused now I'm growing to be a stronger, more courageous, and patient person. Therapy helped me understand myself more, but it didn't do squat for the marriage.
