As always, UR, you have a way of getting in my head and expressing exactly what I am feeling better than I even could. It's amazing. I am simply awfully sad. There is a slew of reasons, I don't need to pinpoint it, I'm just sitting over here feeling it.
I have been isolating myself from my friends and I haven't been going out. Last night was my first night out with friends in a long time and it felt good. I laughed. I wasn't completely myself, but I felt much better being with them. I just don't do well telling people how I am really feeling when I get sad. I'm not comfortable with it for some reason. I don't tell my dad, or my best friend, and I distance myself.
The only thing I have been wanting to do is go to the gym. I go 5 days a week with the same crew which are great great people. D9 has become part of our group to and she even takes class with us sometimes. I check my sadness at the door when I go there.
Aside from that, the only person I have been really looking forward to spending time with lately is daughter. My 9 year old little girl. So maybe that is the way it is meant to be now.
It's a catch 22 finally liking myself. I still feel like there must be something unlovable about me because I have been alone for so long and I have been rejected so many times, or I attract weirdos. So I go back over the inventory and I am ok as I am. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't think so, anyways, lol.
An yup, I feel bad for feeling the way I do. I have my daughter, our health and a roof over our head. I feel as if that should be enough. But I feel as if life is playing some messed up trick on me sometimes.
I am sorry you are having a hard time too, UR. I want to take your sad away too. I know there will be a shift for both of us. Change is surely needed right now. We never lay down and quite no matter how hard things get. We keep fighting. Even if we are tired. Because we know what we are capable of:)
