Sandi would be the best to answer this but I think those rules don't apply to your situation. I'd read her whole situation from the start. Giving your h space and trying to meet his needs seems like the best you can do. I have been and am mad, sad, and depressed like your h and definitely sympathize with him. I just wish my ww was trying anything. Make a plan and present it to him. Make real changes to your life and show them.
Originally Posted By: pitiful
Thank you for all the info. About Sandi's rules, I'm kind of confused. A lot of them talk about GAL and acting "normal" again, not pursuing my spouse...etc. However, I really don't feel my H responds to those the same way. I know that if I act normal around the house, he'll take it as if I've already forgotten what I've done and don't care about it. He repeatedly tells me that I'll be back to my old self in a couple of weeks, such as asking him what about what he wants for dinner...etc. I really think he'd prefer I walk around like a dog with my tail between my legs because it shows I'm actually thinking about what I've done. For example, I got a strong craving for Taco Bell the other day and said it out loud. His response was "glad you can think about food after all of this" (sarcastically of course.) Honestly, I really don't know if acting "normal" is going to help, only hurt worse. And going out and getting a life is not an option at this point. I'm already desperate trying to prove to him that any second I'm at work, I'm actually at work and not out with this guy. I almost had a heart attack yesterday when traffic was extra bad causing me to be home 15 minutes later than my normal time. I may be off here, but is it possible, some are different? I want to do things the right way, but so far to me, things like begging and moping and not having a life are what he wants to see right now. I'm a little confused by him. He keeps saying that I'll just do it again or that in one week I'll be back with this guy (which is why I'm so desperate to prove to him that I want nothing to do with this guy). Then he'll say he will never be able to forget this so there's no point in me trying to do anything...just do whatever I want. I don't know. Just so confused.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Thank you for all the info. About Sandi's rules, I'm kind of confused. A lot of them talk about GAL and acting "normal" again, not pursuing my spouse...etc. However, I really don't feel my H responds to those the same way. I know that if I act normal around the house, he'll take it as if I've already forgotten what I've done and don't care about it. He repeatedly tells me that I'll be back to my old self in a couple of weeks, such as asking him what about what he wants for dinner...etc. I really think he'd prefer I walk around like a dog with my tail between my legs because it shows I'm actually thinking about what I've done. For example, I got a strong craving for Taco Bell the other day and said it out loud. His response was "glad you can think about food after all of this" (sarcastically of course.) Honestly, I really don't know if acting "normal" is going to help, only hurt worse. And going out and getting a life is not an option at this point. I'm already desperate trying to prove to him that any second I'm at work, I'm actually at work and not out with this guy. I almost had a heart attack yesterday when traffic was extra bad causing me to be home 15 minutes later than my normal time. I may be off here, but is it possible, some are different? I want to do things the right way, but so far to me, things like begging and moping and not having a life are what he wants to see right now. I'm a little confused by him. He keeps saying that I'll just do it again or that in one week I'll be back with this guy (which is why I'm so desperate to prove to him that I want nothing to do with this guy). Then he'll say he will never be able to forget this so there's no point in me trying to do anything...just do whatever I want. I don't know. Just so confused.
I'm sorry, but this sounds like a very scary situation. Something is not ringing right at all. You made a mistake and he has every right to be angry. But not controlling and abusive.
Was he anything like this before this happened?
Do you want to live in constant fear and at his beck and call and demand and cut off from your own family? That is not a way to bring your marriage to a healthy state.
I do have to say that things like taking off doorknobs are too much. It's not right to be abusive even if our pain is the worst I've ever experienced.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Sandi would be the best to answer this but I think those rules don't apply to your situation. I'd read her whole situation from the start. Giving your h space and trying to meet his needs seems like the best you can do. I have been and am mad, sad, and depressed like your h and definitely sympathize with him. I just wish my ww was trying anything. Make a plan and present it to him. Make real changes to your life and show them.
Thank you Jug. Its been less than a week since this all happened and I'm desperate to get all the info I can right now so I don't make things worse. On behalf of us cheating scumbags, I'm so sorry you are going through this and for what we have done to you.
Just like you wish your WW would try like I am, I wish my H were on a thread like this trying to get some support. I have encouraged him to talk to people that have been in his shoes so that he can get their support and advice and/or go to counseling either with me or alone and he won't do it. I dont really blame him. This has happened to him before and the last one he actually gave a second chance to and they did it again. Right now I think he's going to feel like a pushover chump if he gives me a second chance too. I know I'm going to have to do most of the footwork on this if we're going to make it, just wish he'd find some support somewhere.
I'm sorry, but this sounds like a very scary situation. Something is not ringing right at all. You made a mistake and he has every right to be angry. But not controlling and abusive.
Was he anything like this before this happened?
Do you want to live in constant fear and at his beck and call and demand and cut off from your own family? That is not a way to bring your marriage to a healthy state.
No, he wasn't like this before. He can be over the top which is something I have to keep in mind going through this. Taking the doorknobs off...really I just rolled my eyes to myself, but I tell myself, whatever makes him feel better, no matter how stupid it is. I told him I'm not a doormat though. My name is still my name and I expect to be called by that regardless of how mad he is. Right now, I just feel he wants to see what I've done is actually affecting me. He tells me that he was the one who did this to me, he'd never be able to forgive himself.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/16/1608:49 AM. Reason: fix quote
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Even he doesnt know what he wants right now, it seems like. So I dont think you trying to 'please' him will really do much. If I had to guess, he wants you to feel the rejection that he is, so right now, nothing you do can be enough for him.
Thats why I think you running around trying to make him happy is going to help anything.
Seriously, you hit bad traffic and you were scared? Thats no way to live your life. Open and honest is good. But giving him control of your life is not.
You hit him with a tornado and hes spinning left, right, and all around. You cant stabilize him. Youre much better off staying out of the way until he rights himself. Then you can start to have mature, adult discussions about how to proceed.
Even he doesnt know what he wants right now, it seems like. So I dont think you trying to 'please' him will really do much. If I had to guess, he wants you to feel the rejection that he is, so right now, nothing you do can be enough for him.
Thats why I think you running around trying to make him happy is going to help anything.
Seriously, you hit bad traffic and you were scared? Thats no way to live your life. Open and honest is good. But giving him control of your life is not.
You hit him with a tornado and hes spinning left, right, and all around. You cant stabilize him. Youre much better off staying out of the way until he rights himself. Then you can start to have mature, adult discussions about how to proceed.
You're right. He isn't sure what he wants. I was trying to help him make up his mind, but I know its best to stop "trying" so hard and give him his space and let him recover in his own time. God, patience is not one of my virtues, but I will do my best.
