D and MLC

[ciluzen]

I had to re-read what I wrote because I was tired last night and worried that I didn't make sense. So, about the boot kicking thing. Why was that signficant? It was something he'd always do when we were talking to another person to get my attention about an inside joke or memory we shared that was sparked by the conversation. It was also the first time he'd initiated ANY physical contact since...before bomb drop, I think. We were discussing wine with our friend and I'd mentioned that it was funny how I always used to drink wine at get togethers, but realized I never really was a big fan of it.She was agreeing. H had then kicked my boot and said,"Hey! We had a really good bottle together once!" with a smile and questioning look on his face. We did (I agreed). It was a $200 bottle that a patient had given us as a thank you with instructions to save it for a special occassion. We did, it was life changing, then we found out from trying to find more how much it cost.

It may seem funny that I mention that small kick, but it was such an old H thing to do, and he did it again later with another memory. Like, hey! I remember some good things! I have gotten the impression that he didn't remember ANYTHING good til now. He even said, at one point last summer (our last R talk), "I dont know what you think we had..." in reference to our 26 year marriage!

When I was writing my post last night, XH and I were texting back and forth about the office lady's fiancee with the chest pains. He was sent home later and H actually switched to calling me as he left the hospital. It was another first in that it was a call about nothing at that point. It was just what he would do as he was coming home from work or driving from an event. It was 11:30 at night and he hadn't eaten so as he was pulling into a Taco Bell I started trying to end our convo. The last thing he said was, "Let me know if you are going up on Saturday" about the beer tasting.

So now, not sure what to do. I think it might be almost too cold to ski, but I have skied in that weather.So I would just really be going for the event, with a possibility of skiing. I could ask a friend to go. Or, I could just go alone. I asked myself what I would do if I really took XH out of the equation. I don't know. I went last year and enjoyed myself...I did have a friend with me who didn't drink, though. It would be a planned meeting with XH, though. Not a situation like last year where we just saw each other and he suddenly decided to hang with me. And then there's the idea that he really just wants to be "friends" and I'm relegated to being just one of the other female friends he has. But then, that's also a first step type thing, too, since he mentioned it quite a few times and ended with a "let me know if you're going". I guess I just try to continue living authentically...in which case...I like beer. I had fun at this event last year without him. I might ski with or wthout him. I should go.

What say you fellow DBers? Am I setting myself up to be hurt, or am I just doing what I said I would do and considering the D a piece of paper and continuing to keep the door cracked open? Am I reading too much into this? Is it just the holidays? Is it even a touch and go? In looking at actions, he just took down photos of me and our girls and replaced it with a photo of a bunch of the new group that goes to the river house (Bubbles' family and a bunch of people I hardly know or don't know...she seems to turn over friends at a great rate). Yet he put back up some of my paintings he had taken down to replace the one's I took down for the show. But also I felt that he was going to acquire other things to replace more of my art, like the metal wall piece he got from Bed, Bath, and Beyond or more of my daughter's photography.

I'm cycling, I know. I'll try to stop now. Holidays and this whole situation...well, you all know. Thoughts please.