Background: I'm 32, H is 35. We've been together for over 8 years and married for a few days over 1 year.
I'm fighting back the tears right now as I write this because I really can't understand how I let myself get to this point and how quick one mistake can change everything. H and I decided to go back to visit the place we got married this last weekend for our 1 yr anniversary. It was a destination wedding so its kind of like a vacay. About a week before that, maybe less, I started chatting with a guy at my gym through facebook. It was innocent at first, but I knew what I was doing, so I'm not going to make the excuse that "innocent" was ok. We had never really talked at the gym before, but had a bunch of mutual friends on FB and I knew that he noticed me at the gym. One night, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to add him on facebook. We never said anything to each other for a few weeks, but then just last week it started. He would "like" a few of my pics and I would like his back. I ended up commenting on one pic that he looked like a celebrity. Instead of responding under the comment, he messaged me and thanked me for the compliment. Then we started talking and saying flirtatious things like how hot we thought each other was....but pretty much always left it at that. He asked for my number so we could text instead of chatting on facebook, so I did. That was last Friday.
Everything escalated very quickly within the next 2 days. He knew I went out of town with H (we left on Saturday) but would say how he wished he could be there with me instead. I'm not blaming the alcohol, I really have no excuse for what I did, but on Sunday, I didn't text all day long and he didn't either, but I knew that if I got some wine in me that I'd start a conversation with him. That night, knowing exactly what I was doing but with a full bottle of wine in me, I started texting him..."innocent" stuff at first about the football game that was on. Then I started saying that I wished he was there with me. He told me stuff about his relationship and why he and his gf weren't currently together. He mentioned an issue with their intimacy and it hit a nerve with me because its something my H and I have been dealing with. I started divulging very private information about H that was so out of line and disrespectful. It literally made me puke when I went back and read it the next day. H had passed out on the couch and I was pretty wasted at that point. I stupidly told this guy that he could call me if he wanted. (Mind you this is only 2 days before our 1 yr anniversary) Within seconds he was calling me. We again started talking about "innocent" stuff. The game was still on so we were talking about that, then talking more about ourselves and then it started getting inappropriate...back to what we'd be doing if he was there. The next part is kind of a blur. I got up, still on the phone, I assume to check to see if H was still asleep (say assume because i really dont recall why and its not an excuse). I opened the door and he was standing right outside listening. The rest is history. I feel so ashamed and sick and pathetic and low. I don't know how I let myself get in a situation that spiraled out of control so fast....for some guy that I dont even know and now I'm on the verge of losing everything because of it.
H thinks its convenient that this is the first time and I happened to get caught, but its the truth. I understand where he's coming from and I don't blame him that he doesn't believe me. Regardless, my relationship with this man was inappropriate and just as bad as cheating physically. I know my word is shot, but I don't know how to convince him that I've never even touched this man before, much less some other guy...he thinks there had to have been others. I want nothing to do with this man. It was wrong, it was a lapse in judgment looking for that attention, but I knew what I was doing. I just thought I could control it getting out of hand. Its too late. I have no excuses for what I did. I betrayed my H, after everything he has done for me and us, not to mention it was our one year anniversary!!!!! I have ruined us. He wants no part of me. He literally hates me, calls me scum, won't let me talk to him bc he doesn't want to hear my voice. I'm so at a loss. I want to fight for him and prove it. I'm doing everything in my power to prove to him that this guy is nothing and that I want to stay in our marriage. He thinks withing a week, I'll be back to this guy, but I want nothing to do with him. It was someone to feed my ego and flatter me. Its stupid and I hate myself. I'll hate myself forever. I gave H my cellphone, all of my account passwords. We're on the same phone bill but you know how electronics are nowadays. I could have another phone or another email he doesn't know about. I don't, but I can't convince him of this. He wants a divorce and its killing me. I'm desperate. The second we got home yesterday, he moved all of his stuff to another bedroom and took the doorknob off my door. He had "given" me my phone back and I never took it anywhere in private. Last night, the night we got back, he went outside to sit in the hottub and I decided to call my mom. I was talking to her when he came back in and he flipped....I mean flipped out and grabbed the phone from me. I tried to tell him it was just my mom and he said he didn't care that I'm not allowed to use the phone now unless I ask him. I get that...I get everything. I'll do anything to prove to him that I will fight for us and show him that this will never happen again. I think its too late though. Today we were back to work and as soon as I got in, I sent him an email from my work account saying I was there and emailed him a copy of my schedule so that he would know when I wouldnt be at my desk. The rest of the day, I would be. His response back was that this "act" I'm putting on is just a phase and that within a week I'll be back to it. I've sworn off alcohol. I want nothing more to do with that stuff. I know its not the cause, but what I did that night, I knew I wouldnt and couldnt do sober. So yes, the underlying issue is my heart and I know that I have to work on that with me and God, but alcohol is no good to me. I have been so selfish and self-centered in my relationship. He gives and gives and I take and expect more. I do the bare minimum and expect everything in return. I hate myself right now.
I guess I want someone to help me see what more I can do to show him and prove to him. I try not to get angry when his anger turns to cruelty and calling me all kinds of names, not that its right for him to do that, but its not going to help fighting about that. I am racking my brain thinking of ways to be as transparent as possible. Like I said, he has my cellphone and all of my email/media account logins. I won't leave work during lunch hour. I am going straight home after. I got a bonus check today and told him we could go to the bank later and deposit it, but I won't make that stop myself. I want so desperately to talk to my mom and thought about emailing her on her own email account, but I won't do it bc its hiding something. Even this forum....I registered and he has access to the email. I am torn between deleting the email....which would be deceiving or not deleting and risk him seeing it and blowing up that I'm on the internet talking about it. I just need people who are in the same situation as me to help. I have eaten barely nothing since sunday...forcing myself to drink water so I don't shrivel up, but I'm so delirious and confused. I roller-coaster between fighting for us or just giving up because I really let him down and he deserves better. He says he'll never forgive me. He's been in this situation before me with a past gf and she did it to him again, which makes it worse because he gave her a second chance and it bit him in the butt. So why would he do that for me? Any advice...especially from guys who have been or are currently in my H's position, would be helpful. I have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday. H says he'll never go to counseling with me. I don't want to lose us. Please help!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
While most of us here are on the other end of your situation, many of us wish their spouses were as remorseful and willing to work as you. Keep reading and follow sandi2's original situation. Maybe some day you can be her!
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
He literally hates me, calls me scum, won't let me talk to him bc he doesn't want to hear my voice. I want to fight for him and prove it.
So I'd say right now, youre better off giving space. You say you want to fight, but think of it like being in quicksand. Right now, thrashing around too much will only make you sink faster. Please back way off. As you can see, he doesnt believe anything you do or say anyway, so all you are doing is pushing him away faster.
Originally Posted By: pitiful
The second we got home yesterday, he moved all of his stuff to another bedroom and took the doorknob off my door. He had "given" me my phone back and I never took it anywhere in private.
I was talking to her when he came back in and he flipped....I mean flipped out and grabbed the phone from me. I tried to tell him it was just my mom and he said he didn't care that I'm not allowed to use the phone now unless I ask him.
I try not to get angry when his anger turns to cruelty and calling me all kinds of names, not that its right for him to do that, but its not going to help fighting about that.
That said, why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? You arent a prisoner or a slave or a child. If he wants to be divorced, then why is it his business what you are doing or saying. If he doesnt want to be divorced, then you dont deserve to be treated like this. Agree to transparency - youre on the same bill, he can check your phone or email, he has all of the passwords, etc. But I dont think removing your doorknob or confiscating your phone are effective solutions. Letting him do 'anything' he wants right now is demeaning and rude.
In my mind, dont set yourself up as a slave. You made a mistake. Your focus should not be on convincing him that it wont happen again. Your job should be on figuring out why and happened and what you can do within yourself so that it wont happen again. Its up to H whether he wants to believe that.
Thank you for all the info. About Sandi's rules, I'm kind of confused. A lot of them talk about GAL and acting "normal" again, not pursuing my spouse...etc. However, I really don't feel my H responds to those the same way. I know that if I act normal around the house, he'll take it as if I've already forgotten what I've done and don't care about it. He repeatedly tells me that I'll be back to my old self in a couple of weeks, such as asking him what about what he wants for dinner...etc. I really think he'd prefer I walk around like a dog with my tail between my legs because it shows I'm actually thinking about what I've done. For example, I got a strong craving for Taco Bell the other day and said it out loud. His response was "glad you can think about food after all of this" (sarcastically of course.) Honestly, I really don't know if acting "normal" is going to help, only hurt worse. And going out and getting a life is not an option at this point. I'm already desperate trying to prove to him that any second I'm at work, I'm actually at work and not out with this guy. I almost had a heart attack yesterday when traffic was extra bad causing me to be home 15 minutes later than my normal time. I may be off here, but is it possible, some are different? I want to do things the right way, but so far to me, things like begging and moping and not having a life are what he wants to see right now. I'm a little confused by him. He keeps saying that I'll just do it again or that in one week I'll be back with this guy (which is why I'm so desperate to prove to him that I want nothing to do with this guy). Then he'll say he will never be able to forget this so there's no point in me trying to do anything...just do whatever I want. I don't know. Just so confused.
So you being on the other side and having read Sandi's rules, would you say most are accurate? I ask, because one thing my H keeps saying is that I'll be back to "normal" within a few weeks and act like nothing has happened. Its like me walking around like a dog with their tail between its legs is noticed more positively than acting normal and cheerful. For example, I got a strong craving for taco bell out of the blue the other day, probably bc I'm not eating at all, and he said "glad you can think about food in a time like this" (sarcastically of course). To me moping, groveling, and living my life at this moment doing whatever he wants, are what he wants to see to know that I truly grasp the severity of what I did. I dont know...just confused.
Sorry for the confusion guys. I clicked reply under certain comment replies and instead of commenting directly under that comment, it put it at the bottom of the thread...still learning. The first two and very last response were to Jug and the 3rd was in response to Cadet.
