NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[NYGal]

Bonjour Rouky! Hello Vanilla! I'm doing well. Piecing is tough. I have to remember that all the DB things that helped us R will help make the relationship better. Like being more independent. Learning to validate. Listening. It's easy to slip back into old habits and that doesn't help.

Went to a work party last Friday night. We both knew in advance that ow would be there. Thinking back to Wonka's advice from earlier, I got a new (red) outfit, cut and colored my hair, got a manicure with a bright red color... and felt like I was looking good! W wasn't sure that she wanted to go to the party, and I told her it was her decision and I'd honor that. I wasn't even sure until that day that we were going. I wanted to, because I thought it was an opportunity for me to face that ow hurdle on MY terms - prepared and ready.

When we drove up I saw her car in the parking lot, so we knew she was already there. We walked in and there she was in her black and white polka dotted glory, standing right in the spot where anyone coming in would see her. We hung up our coats and walked into the party right past her and began to socialize -- together and separately. Very soon, I was talking to someone and ow turned toward me, caught my eye, and started to walk toward me. I turned my gaze back to the guy I was talking with and ow turned around and went back to the group she had been talking with. It certainly felt like she was going to say something to me, then changed her mind. Wise decision, sow.

At one point I went into another room with a man who had attended a funeral of a friend that day and he seemed to want to talk about it privately. I admit I felt nervous having W and sow out of my sight, but I'm glad I was able to do that.

After about 2 hours, W and I were standing almost back to back as we interacted with two different groups of people. Out of the corner of my eye I see polka dots approaching W -- she joins her group, standing at her left. I was at W's right. I panicked. I'm sure I had a deer in the headlights look. I turned to W, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Time to go." To her credit, she turned immediately and we thanked the host and left. It felt like a complete victory. I didn't have to be humiliated standing helplessly by while ow flirted with my W. I didn't have to see others noticing, because many in that room knew that ow is the homewrecker. But I'll never understand why these stupid OP don't understand that it's not exactly cool to approach the AP when the AP's spouse is standing there. Whatever.

However... the next day W said she felt bad all day and wished I had let her handle it. I panicked all over again, fearing that now she would have to smooth things over with ow the next time she sees her. Or worse, that W would contact her to tell her I embarrassed her or something. It turned into a fight because I lost my temper -- my response to panic.

I kept thinking about how when I let W handle it her way she 1) had lunch with ow two months after I moved back in, for "closure", 2) six weeks later walked her to her car after a meeting wherein they got all caught up on their respective relationships (none of ow's business how we're doing, dammit), and 3) sent her a wine list from the New York Times after we had a fight about a month ago. So forgive me if I don't have the confidence to TRUST that you'll handle it, W!

Most importantly, I cannot lose my temper because it shows my panic. I have to continue to GAL. I have to continue to work on validating and listening, like I said above. And I have to, I guess, act as though I hardly care if she sees ow? IDK about that. But what else can I do?

Next time, I'll post all the witty comebacks I've come up with just in case ow every does come up to me and says, "How are you?"