Not even married a year- hopeless?

[Dawgs]

Hi NMC! Sorry to hear that you are in this position. It's hard but you are in a great place full of some awesome people who will bend over backward for you.

I feel terrible. I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. My mother and sister think I should divorce, but the thought hurts me so much. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his. Ideally, I want this marriage to work. I still love my husband.

First thing that struck me is that NONE of this is your fault. Not a bit. From what you have written, you did everything you could and knew how to do. So no fault can be placed on your shoulders. One thing that I have learned is that they tend to try to blame us to ease their guilt.

Also, with your husband is still involved with his ex. I say this because of the dinners, texts, etc. Sorry to say this, unless that stops then your relationship won't move forward. There seems to be a lot of anger coming from him. That needs to be explored as to whether he feels that you are standing in his way or if it is something deeper.

I appreciate you all reading through this misery. I just wanted to read your thoughts on if there were things I could have done differently and what direction I should move toward now.

That's what we are here for - to help you and give you a shoulder. Honestly, I don't think there is anything you could have done differently. He seems to be on his own road and that road only has room for him.

As for you - you need to work on yourself. It's not easy and will get tougher, no doubt, but you need to become the best that you can be. I'm sure you are familiar with the GAL activities - well, they work. Bettering yourself is the best thing you can do. No matter what becomes of your marriage, you'll come out of it stronger and in a better place. I know that is a tough, tough thing to think about, much less do. It was around 1.5 years or so from BD to my divorce...and in that time, the full-blown PA was discovered along with some truly sick s**t. I never thought I'd make it out the other side. Fortunately, the great people here helped. But, I learned to put one foot in front of the other. Today? I'm doing great but still have my moments. I've come to realize that she was on her own path and it didn't include me. I had to let go. They say that's liberating, and to an extent it is. But it is what it is.

I also learned that as much as I still loved my wife and wanted it to work, I almost had to think of it as like she never existed. That's the only way I can think of. Hobbies - immerse in them. Go out. Do whatever you can. I know, easier said than done. And now there are still nights where I stare at the ceiling...I know every square inch of the my bedroom's ceiling texture by heart now.

I'm not going to blow sunshine and say it will get easier. But, it will. In time. Just remember that your journey is about you - and just about you. Use your time wisely and develop yourself into the strongest, positive NMC that you can be.