This is my first post and wanted to get some opinions on my situation.
My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years. When we first met, he told me within the first few weeks of dating that he had been engaged previously and he had ended the engagement. He could never seem to remember when exactly that relationship ended and I got a few different reasons for the end of the engagement. They still kept in touch because they shared a group of friends from school. I was fine with it. I met her, had no problems, was kind to her and got along with all his friends.
Throughout our relationship, I found out he was meeting with this woman in secret for dinners (he would tell me all his plans except when he went out with her). This was probably our first disagreement. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. My stance was when it comes to exes things need to be transparent. Later on I looked through his phone and saw he was carrying on nightly text conversations with her after we would stop talking, calling her pet names, wishing her good night, etc. We worked through this as well. I never had any evidence or suspicion his relationship went beyond this.
I was in a different city for a year for fellowship training. During that time, we flew back and forth to see us, but I could already see the strain it put on him. My father became ill while I was away and died after a brief battle against cancer. My husband was more concerned about the fact that I was upset and moody and taking it out on him while dealing with my father's illness and death. I have apologized for this many times and asked for his understanding of what I was and still am going through.
We got married in August 2015. I moved into his apartment. A few weeks after moving in, I discovered the lease of the apartment and saw his ex fiancees name on the lease. He had lied to me about the apartment- had told me they never lived there together. He repeatedly lied to me about this woman.
A few months after getting married and things started falling apart. Sex stopped pretty soon after we married. He wouldn't kiss me, never initiated sex. Many times I would initiate sex and he would snap at me. Many times he would blame me- saying he didn't like me grabbing him, that if i asked him for sex, I was being desperate,etc. I stopped initiating and trying and there has been no sex for 6 months.
For about 4 months during the first 9 months of marriage, he ignored me in our apartment. He would come home, grunt hello, and go to the home office. Often he wasn't working, just sitting in there so as not to be with me. I would end up going to bed alone every night. I felt so neglected that I started packing my things. He never stopped me but express how angry he was that I was doing this. I went to stay with my mother. After 3 weeks at home, I found my own apartment and moved out. We went to couples therapy for 3 months and each week the therapist would ask my husband if he was checked out because that was how he was behaving.
All we do is text at this point. If we do have conversations in person, it doesn't go well.
Last night I asked him to come over so we can talk and perhaps start to come to a mutual decision on what to do now. He came over and blew up. Told me I was a sh*t wife, he mocked my feelings about his ex, and said that I had baggage and emotional problems (honestly don't understand this, although I definitely believe he brought a lot of baggage- the last thing he said in therapy was that he thought my efforts weren't sincere in therapy- the therapist shot that down) among other things. I've been saying lately that perhaps we should get a divorce- neither of us makes the other happy, but this angers him and then he will come to me tearful and says he wants to work on things, that he loves me. Last week, he did the same thing, all tearful, that he loves me and that he should have been with me every night. I'm 34 and want to have children. We both came into this marriage saying we wanted many children. But no sex, no intimacy, and an unwillingness to move forward with me says otherwise.
I feel terrible. I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. My mother and sister think I should divorce, but the thought hurts me so much. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his. Ideally, I want this marriage to work. I still love my husband.
I appreciate you all reading through this misery. I just wanted to read your thoughts on if there were things I could have done differently and what direction I should move toward now.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi NMC! Sorry to hear that you are in this position. It's hard but you are in a great place full of some awesome people who will bend over backward for you.
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I feel terrible. I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. My mother and sister think I should divorce, but the thought hurts me so much. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his. Ideally, I want this marriage to work. I still love my husband.
First thing that struck me is that NONE of this is your fault. Not a bit. From what you have written, you did everything you could and knew how to do. So no fault can be placed on your shoulders. One thing that I have learned is that they tend to try to blame us to ease their guilt.
Also, with your husband is still involved with his ex. I say this because of the dinners, texts, etc. Sorry to say this, unless that stops then your relationship won't move forward. There seems to be a lot of anger coming from him. That needs to be explored as to whether he feels that you are standing in his way or if it is something deeper.
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I appreciate you all reading through this misery. I just wanted to read your thoughts on if there were things I could have done differently and what direction I should move toward now.
That's what we are here for - to help you and give you a shoulder. Honestly, I don't think there is anything you could have done differently. He seems to be on his own road and that road only has room for him.
As for you - you need to work on yourself. It's not easy and will get tougher, no doubt, but you need to become the best that you can be. I'm sure you are familiar with the GAL activities - well, they work. Bettering yourself is the best thing you can do. No matter what becomes of your marriage, you'll come out of it stronger and in a better place. I know that is a tough, tough thing to think about, much less do. It was around 1.5 years or so from BD to my divorce...and in that time, the full-blown PA was discovered along with some truly sick s**t. I never thought I'd make it out the other side. Fortunately, the great people here helped. But, I learned to put one foot in front of the other. Today? I'm doing great but still have my moments. I've come to realize that she was on her own path and it didn't include me. I had to let go. They say that's liberating, and to an extent it is. But it is what it is.
I also learned that as much as I still loved my wife and wanted it to work, I almost had to think of it as like she never existed. That's the only way I can think of. Hobbies - immerse in them. Go out. Do whatever you can. I know, easier said than done. And now there are still nights where I stare at the ceiling...I know every square inch of the my bedroom's ceiling texture by heart now.
I'm not going to blow sunshine and say it will get easier. But, it will. In time. Just remember that your journey is about you - and just about you. Use your time wisely and develop yourself into the strongest, positive NMC that you can be.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep74- thank you so much for your words and for taking the time to read through my story. I've been reading through some of the threads and have seen some amazing sharing of thoughts. I am very optimistic I will find some peace here.
It's great to hear it's not my fault, but I'm sure I contributed to the state of our marriage. Through therapy I was able to address how to react to negativity without totally losing my cool. All those examples I gave about my husband lying, I would react with loud yelling, profanities at times, and just all around losing my cool. Of course, these reactions had good reason, but I felt my reactions were bad. Of course, my husband used my reactions as one of many excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me..
But see, that was the extent of what we focused on on me during therapy. Week after week the therapist would ask my husband if he was checked out because that's how he seemed, and the things he would say about me were just so off and surprising that I could see he was not doing any sort of reflecting during the process. I stopped going because it was clearly a waste of time.
I still feel like there must be more I can do, which is how I found this wonderful resource. I'm not fooling myself though. I realize this whole thing has not been good for me, but I don't want to walk away without feeling like I gave it my all. I am going to read the DR book. I feel like if this doesn't work, then that's it.
I struggle with feeling guilty. I sometimes feel like my husband can be manipulative (like with the yelling he did yesterday). He continues to tell me I have "problems" and "emotional baggage" meanwhile I didn't come into the relationship with any ties to exes, or with a lying problem. I have flaws like everyone else, but I've always worked hard on my marriage.
Another update- my husband's friends are having a get-together this weekend. My husband made sure to tell me about it, but not invite me. While I don't know for sure, I'm pretty sure the reason I'm not invited (besides our current problems) is that his ex will be there. Not long ago I told him I did not want that woman in our lives.
A question I have is is it unfair or wrong of me to demand he cut ties with this woman? The fact that he didn't do it already says a lot.. His excuse is that she is a part of a group of friends, but is that just another excuse? He completely betrayed my trust with her and I feel like putting myself in a position where my husband continues to maintain a friendship with her is just doing myself a disservice. How do I navigate this issue and stand up for myself moving forward? The way I feel is I do not want to continue on with a life with him if we cannot agree on this. Am I being unreasonable?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
A question I have is is it unfair or wrong of me to demand he cut ties with this woman? The fact that he didn't do it already says a lot.. His excuse is that she is a part of a group of friends, but is that just another excuse? He completely betrayed my trust with her and I feel like putting myself in a position where my husband continues to maintain a friendship with her is just doing myself a disservice. How do I navigate this issue and stand up for myself moving forward? The way I feel is I do not want to continue on with a life with him if we cannot agree on this. Am I being unreasonable?
NO you are not being unreasonable. NO it is not wrong of you to ask him to cut ties with this woman, just be prepared for him to NOT do it.
A question I have is is it unfair or wrong of me to demand he cut ties with this woman? The fact that he didn't do it already says a lot.. His excuse is that she is a part of a group of friends, but is that just another excuse? He completely betrayed my trust with her and I feel like putting myself in a position where my husband continues to maintain a friendship with her is just doing myself a disservice. How do I navigate this issue and stand up for myself moving forward? The way I feel is I do not want to continue on with a life with him if we cannot agree on this. Am I being unreasonable?
Not unfair or wrong in any sort to say that. You two are married.
How do you stand up and continue moving forward? By just taking care of yourself. One day at a time. One hour at a time. And coming here. And talking to friends, ICs, whatever it takes. You will be fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I realize that he may not end that friendship. I am going to reach out to him to have a conversation. I would like for us to come to some agreement on how we talk to each other (no more texting our feelings). I will make it clear that if he cannot end that relationship, this marriage will be over. I'm glad you all agree I am not being unreasonable by doing so.
This forum has been wonderful so far. I already find myself having more courage to stand up for myself and to face things head on.
I ordered the DR book and it will arrive tomorrow. I will make the most of this weekend. Once it arrives, I'm sure this will be clear, but did it help many of you make a plan on how to move forward? I feel so lost with my feelings and need a road map..
The good people here keep reminding me there is no room for a third party in a marriage. Stay strong.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
