Thanks to everyone for the condolences. I am grateful for feeling like I am understood.
I think my looking for signs and direction is because I am so lost and I am looking for an assurance that I am going to be okay. I think I am looking for a clear path to take. There is none, is there? I also think I am struggling with the fact that I have no control of outcome so it's reassuring to know that someone else does and they won't steer me wrong. While intellectually, I know that I will be okay no matter what happens, I don't feel it in my heart, yet.
Yesterday and this morning I have begun to think more about what I need and what I would need from H if we began to piece our relationship back together. When I think about my needs, they seem so great compared to his capabilities. He's clearly nowhere close to working on his issues.
Last week he took our son out to his work event. I later found out he had called OW and asked her if she wanted to meet son. Thankfully, she had the sense to decline. H manipulated and lied to me. Again. I have a hard time understanding how he justifies this to himself. Whatever the reasons he gives himself to quiet his dissonance must be laced with delusions and falsehoods. I don't want any part of this madness. If I step back and look at all this, it's insanity, pure and simple. This is not the man I thought I married.
Given how far he has fallen, it is difficult to imagine he will be able to stand again. I have a hard time seeing it.
I think I feel like I'm loosening my grip on the rope.
