Lost in the MLC Desert

[peacetoday]

HI

I wouldn't reply..maybe its a good thing for him to start seeing as he moves one ,so will you
I also think it is good for you to be at the office to keep an eye on things..
May want to see a L to find out your rights ...just so u know
That helped me a lot to know-just in case

MY XH and I also shared a business..His OW (now his wife) was his secretary

Anyway I own and run the business now..
MY XH and OW spent too much and lost the business
so its good to watch

The MLCer is very irresponsible
the OW are usually control freaks with some kind of issues
The affairs usually dont last and if they do they are miserable
last I heard form my XH through a friend was he wanted out of his new M

[bttrfly]

I defer to Job. My responses got me divorced, lol.

[job]

You can do what you want, but I get the impression it's not about wanting to come there to see you. It's more about keeping you right where he left you and dangling that old carrot by showing just a wee bit of interest so that you won't rock his world by setting boundaries and making demands on him or moving on w/your life.

If I were in your shoes, I'd drop your son off on Wednesday afternoons and this allows your space to be yours. The longer you allow him to come in and visit w/you while waiting on your son, the harder it will be for you to set a boundary. You are the one that has to initiate boundaries. The man doesn't get it and when he comes over, he can then say to others "gee, wife and I are the best of friends and we visit and chat up a storm". Don't be his Plan B unless that is where you want to be.

You need to remember that he fired you as his wife, companion and lover and you are most definitely not his next door neighbor, i.e., whereby he can drop in for a nice chat up on a weekly basis.

What you posted to your h about being willing to drop your son off at his place was actually giving him the option of either you doing what you suggested or him still coming to the house. Of course, he's going to want to come to the house to check to see if there are any changes in the house and to see if you've changed anything about yourself. He wants to make sure you are still there waiting and available for him. Of course, he's never going to miss home or you if he gets to come by there to pick up his son because he's still able to get his "feel good" kibbles each and every time he comes there. He can't miss something if it's always available to him.

If I were in your shoes, I would consider dropping your son off at his father's place periodically. Does your son have a key to his father's place? If not, dear old dad should make arrangements to provide his son w/a key. Your son can also be ready to go and meet his father at the door or even in the driveway when he pulls up. Your h doesn't necessarily need to come in the house.

If you give him an option, he will always go w/the one that gives him the most benefit. If you give him an inch, he'll take a mile. They do like to test boundaries to see if we will waffle and allow them to do what they want at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, you will need to decide what you want to do. If you decide to set a boundary, you will need to adhere to the boundary and not give in. If you give in, he'll know that you are a push over and will ignore other boundaries that you may set in the future.

[d_Rose]

Thanks to everyone for their insights. I appreciate you taking the time to read my sitch and offering up your wealth of experience.

Bttrfly - you crack me up. Love you are able to have a sense of humor even during this time of transition for you. Big hugs to you this next week or so.

Sotto - I did not reply to his text. I will leave it and consider carefully setting the boundary before school starts again in Jan. More par for the course - avoidance on my part. No wonder I like your suggestion. haha

Peacetoday - I will have to go back and read your sitch if its still available. You have been around a long time I'm sure I will need your input as this progresses, especially with the business side. I have had a couple L consults just to get educated and so that if something happens I would be prepared to retain a one I like quickly. I will just keep it in my back pocket.

You can do what you want, but I get the impression it's not about wanting to come there to see you. It's more about keeping you right where he left you and dangling that old carrot by showing just a wee bit of interest so that you won't rock his world by setting boundaries and making demands on him or moving on w/your life.

Job - I think you really hit to the heart of the issue for me. I am interpreting his actions as a step to engage with me (so why would I not allow that?), but really he is trying to control the situation and keep me available. I will have to give this some thought. He has been such a loving, caring man for all these years, it is not natural for me to assign such selfish intentions to his actions. Welcome to MLC land. I'm sure it is true, even if it is subconscious on his part, I just need to view his actions in a new "MLC" light.

And even if he is trying to engage, why am I content with these crumbs when his actions clearly show his current commitment is to OW and NOT our M? Do I not think I deserve more? Definitely something for me to reflect on.

I am good at passively pulling back and have done well with not going to him for help, emotional support, and reassurances. But I am not so good at open confrontation. Hope I can do this to start by just making the transition without having to have declaration of a boundary. I hear you Job, if I declare the boundary then I have to stick to it and be willing to live with the reduced contact, and that it may be the end of what limited emotional connection we currently have. I seems it will set the stage for a more adversarial relationship instead of understanding one I have tried to have.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

Thanks again everyone. I know it is a busy time of year, and here you all are helping your fellow LBS's. Your kindness helps so many.

[bttrfly]

they are control freaks and it's because they know deep down inside that they themselves are out of control.

Do what is most convenient for you and your son. If it's easier to drop him off, then do so. Now your life is about doing what's best for you and your children. You h is certainly doing what he thinks is best for him.

Make sense? xoxoxoxo

[d_Rose]

Yes bttyfly. Makes perfect sense.

I need to discount any future with him and focus on myself. That is definitely part of my problem. I am trying to frame my actions in relation to what gives us the best chance of saving the marriage and keeping him close. I need to constantly remind myself that chances are slim. Instead I need to frame my actions around what I need to be emotionally healthy. Like you said, what is good for me. It is a struggle everyday to remember this.

Also, what short term immediately feels good (to see him and have contact) is ultimately not good for me. As it leaves me empty and more sad when he leaves. I am emotionally addicted to our relationship. It is so difficult to undo 26 years of emotional closeness.

I know only I can do this and set the boundary. I have the power here. It feels like I am cutting off my own legs. But if they are cancerous they must go...

Planning to do some shopping today with my mom. My daughter is home from college and S24 and his wife will be here next week. It will be nice to be surrounded by family and have a bit of normalcy. Will be weird with H not here, but glad to have all the kids home.

Proud Mom bragging moment - D19 got 2 A's, 2 A-'s, and 1 A+ her first semester. Her load included biology, chem, and statistics. She is a smart girl. I knew she was capable, but wasn't sure if she would put in the work in an unsupervised environment. So proud she rose to the occasion. She thinks she wants to go to med school. Not sure she will be able to work that hard for that long to make it happen, but glad she is working toward it for now. S24 Graduated from West Point, and is currently in Med School, so at least she has an intimate knowledge of what it takes!

Happy Thursday.

[job]

Enjoy the time you spend w/your mother shopping. It's a great way to think about other things.

Congratulations to your D19 on her grades. Her grades are awesome and both of you have so much to be proud of. She just might surprise you and stick with the "med" school goal. It would be nice for both of your children to work in the medical arena.

Take each day as it comes and enjoy the time you spend w/your family. They are so very precious.

[bttrfly]

Great job by your daughter on first semester grades, and way to go to your son!!! Just a testament to what a great mom you are, Rose, as you laid the foundation for them to be successful! Much to be happy about there!

I hope you and your mom enjoyed your time together today and that you have a wonderful time next week with the kids.

I know how hard it is emotionally to step back. BD came two months before our 26 anniversary ... we'd been married almost 21, together almost 26. To say it's gut-wrenching is, I believe, a vast understatement. I felt like any contact was better than no contact, but then he'd leave and the price I paid for that brief foray was so very high.

I have an MLCer who alternately rages/spews, runs, and used to hug and kiss me and tell me he loves me until I told him to stop. Total mind f#c& ... I don't think it was intended as such, just how he honestly felt from moment to moment. Makes me glad to be me not him.

Rose, my suggestion is that you just put your marriage to the side for right now, as hard as that is. Rather than saying "slim chance of success" maybe just say, "i'm gonna put this in a box and store it here for safe keeping right now," and then try to focus on what would make you happy right now that doesn't include him. I know it's easy to say and very hard to do, but take baby steps. One thing a day that is just for you to make you happy. Could be making a cup of tea ... simple, gentle things that you can eventually build on.

xoxoxoxo

[d_Rose]

my suggestion is that you just put your marriage to the side for right now, as hard as that is. Rather than saying "slim chance of success" maybe just say, "i'm gonna put this in a box and store it here for safe keeping right now," and then try to focus on what would make you happy right now that doesn't include him. I know it's easy to say and very hard to do, but take baby steps. One thing a day that is just for you to make you happy. Could be making a cup of tea ... simple, gentle things that you can eventually build on.

Thank you bttrfly. What a beautiful way to put it. I like that that approach.

Have had a very emotional day with lots of triggers out holiday shopping. Feel like I have gone backwards the last 2 weeks with the anniversary, holidays, etc. Too upset to write much with any clarity. Need to think back and see what I was doing 6 weeks ago vs. now to help myself. I know I am smart, funny, loving, loyal person. But I feel so pathetic that I am still wallowing in this.

Tomorrow is another day. A chance to be stronger.

[Coly23]

Hey Rose, just caught up with your sitch. You are right in saying ours are so similar. My H doesn't spew or get angry and is also happy to keep us at the end of the rope!

I think you are doing so well and I admit I am a little jealous of the clarity you have around your sitch. I feel I am all over the place as there is no OW I don't really know what I am doing half the time! My DB coach said to treat H like a friend although I have told H in no uncertain terms that I will not be his friend. I'm not sure if he has absorbed that statement or not though!

When all this first went down H used to come over for tea once a week but after some 2x4's from the lovely people on here and recognising how it sent me spinning each time he left I stopped this and went dark for seven weeks and so did my D. He texted and called her constantly but she didn't respond. In the end I brought him back into the light by asking him our for coffee and then the spinning started up again! Maybe going dim is the way forward for you and I like the idea of you controlling the drop off for D15. You won't need to see him at all this way!

You seem to have a lot more control than you realise Rose and your GAL'ng is fantastic so you should give yourself a pat on the back. Has your H broached the subject of Chrustmas as yet? I think my H expected us to invite him fir Christmas Day but we are going to one of my older Sister's. I think he was a bit taken aback when I told him. Definitely a 180 for me as a few months ago I would have been bending over backwards to accommodate him!

Well done to your D in her results! Our kids make us proud when we see them achieving during these hard times.