Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

I would be buying this house regardless of reconciliation versus divorce. I've been very careful to protect myself financially speaking and the paperwork is reflecting that. I've also been very cautious and only purchased a house I could afford if I end up living without financial support from WH should divorce occur. I do understand people saying to wait but then how long? Do I rent for 1-3 years because I am afraid WH will walk away? I have to live my life in the now. IF WH wanted to be spiteful there still is the option to take it to court and challenge the paperwork and get the assets split but in the end I can't live my life in fear.

On the daily situation, WH is starting to drift back to me again. I continue to have this detached feeling. But it's like I am looking at a stranger, I want the H I married back, not this stranger who still can't decide what he wants. I did decide to extend myself past my comfort zone today, I asked WH for a motorcycle ride. I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. I have always been fearful of motorcycles, I've seen some horrible deaths in the ER after a motorcyclist was in an accident. (physicians call them Murdercycles or Organ donors) But lately I've been wanting to try it out and see how I feel. So WH got on his motorcycle and showed me where to put my feet and how to sit and away we went. I really liked it! Afterward we went by the shop and I found a pink leather jacket that was 40% off and WH bought it for me. I was stoked, I needed to replace my leather jacket and now I have this awesome one that looks cool. WH seemed confused, he kept looking at me while I preened in the shop looking at my new threads. While I sympathize with his turmoil I didn't feel dragged down like I used to. I even started seeing if there was a motorcycle small enough for me, lol! (I am 5'1 and 115 lbs so unless it's a kid's bike it's not happening, haha!) Meanwhile sometimes WH reaches out to touch me but then afterward seems very confused. Yesterday I was laughing hysterically while telling a funny story from work and he was very pensive then said, "I haven't seen your smile in a long time, you should smile and laugh more, your beauty really shines." I thanked him and then continued the funny story which made him belly laugh.

Meanwhile I still have these waves of pain and rage (usually when alone and thinking about his affair) that hit me when I least expect it. I read BluWave's most recent post and have decided to just let these waves wash over me and accept it's part of the grieving and healing process. I continue to see an IC and have told her my goals of not letting the rage consume me but to make it directive and constructive. I don't want to live a bitter and wasted life. This weekend I am taking the family to WDW and have a blast. I've invited my cousin and his partner as well, I think it will be time well spent.