Re: She moved out...now the work begins...Part 3

[SBJ]

OK I probably did the wrong thing, but I drove my oldest to the W's condo and we stayed for dinner...no longer than an hour, but it was a good time. I'm sure she was cake eating, but part of me couldn't turn down the invite. No R talk at all. It was just the 5 of us and the only thing that was off was having to leave to go to the other house.

In retrospect, I feel that she was just wanting all of her family around for the first time in months. My head is spinning...maybe hers is too. I know I will never understand how she "feels", but I surely hope and pray that she is feeling conflicted with her choices.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

So ... there really is not right/wrong ... white/black with all this .. its usually all grey area type stuff. The one thing you have to keep in mind above all else ... and this is hard for us fixer types, YOU matter. You need to adopt an alter ego, Clint Eastwood has been used here often ... ya know .. a mans type man. When confronted with a situation like the one you had ask yourself "What would Clint do?" (WWCD?) In this case I think you are fine ... Clint would accept the inite graciously, enjoy dinner and hop on his horse and ride home ... no harm no foul ... Clint would not pine after begging her to have a change of heart and come back home ... You did not share you did this, only that it was a nice evening and dinner as a family plants a seed for later when she may have doubts so I see this as being a good thing provided you stay on the tracks and do not form any expectations.

She is most likely conflicted, but she needs to get to a point where she knows what she wants and pursues it ... in the meantime keep doing what you are doing ... day by day get better.

[SBJ]

CaliGuy...you are correct. I thanked her for dinner and walked to the door after hugging and kissing my two youngest kids. My oldest and I went to the store on the way home and I sent her a text just before bed thanking her again for the invite. No R talk at all.

She knows how I feel and I shouldn't have to tell her again for a lifetime. I remember that she is the one that told me that I tell her I love her to much and that I complemented her too much...that being said, I think the bank is full of that.

I did receive a call from a fairly close friend last night that had caught wind of our sitch. He told me that he knows exactly how I feel because he and his W went thru the exact same thing 10+ years ago. There was no S with them, but he took a hard stance and she snapped out of it. Even though it worked out for them, he was totally distraught for a long while...due to the emotional betrayal from his W. He said that he and his wife were keeping us in their thoughts and prayers.

It is sometimes overwhelming that this sort of thing happens to so many people all the time. Makes me realize that we are all just imperfect humans that have to make our own decisions and suffer the consequences of our actions.

[peacetoday]

A lot of people go through it

I know people who managed to dots together after a time of distance still while living together
I know others who like me got D
One friend MLC XH keeps trying to get her back..they are friends now,,she doesn't want him back
Sound like you did good and I do believe they are conflicted and many of them probably stay conflicted for some time to come
WE usually have less regrets as LBS because we do the hard work of grieving and really eventually let go and move on
the MLC never grieves the loss or the mess they created which I believe adds to their misery in the end-

[SBJ]

Thanks peace for the reply...I seem to be seeing it more now that I am aware of it.

I just spent the afternoon with my FIL...who is totally at a loss with all of this. He is like a father to me and this has been a big blow to him. I told him that I have to get myself to a place where I can be the man I need to be for myself and for my kids...if she wants to come knock on the door then she will have to make that move. He knows that I adore his daughter and that I will do the work I need to do for my family.

[roist]

Discussing this with FIL is tricky. Be open, be honest but don't reveal everything and definitely don't use him as indirect messenger to W. That could backfire as she could feel ganged up on. If so she will fight her corner like a trapped rat.

Plus one concept in DB is making the WAS believe you are moving on without them. So messages indicating an open door counter that.

What you said is not wrong, just may not be strictly DBing.

I imagine my FIL will jump into fix it mode if ever he hears about us. I get on well with him and could talk to him. I don't think I will though. I probably would only say that W has thought about this for a long time and I respect her choice. I may add that I have been hurt but now I just want to move forward and ensure my sons are the least affected possible.

It is hard to know what to say. Don't dwell on this. You are doing well.

Get through the next two weeks as best you can and in the new year I want to read about your aims, goals and actions planned going forward.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

roist...she has stopped talking about anything personal with her father and one of her sisters. The FIL is very non-confrontational anyway and would tell you his opinion, which he has to her months ago, but he'd never continually argue with her about it.

I have totally backed off of any R talks with her as she has filed for a D and I guess I know where her head is at on the matter. That being said, she knows that I am still in love with her. She knows that I believe that things could be worked on to save our M. She know that I would be willing to have her back. I guess I am just wondering if she ever will want to reconcile...that is the million dollar question. It is difficult reading on here how people have waited with the hopes of reconciling their marriages, only to have that not happen. Some of those people seem to have never dropped the rope connecting them to their spouse. I just don't know if/when is the right time.

I want to be strong for myself and my children...and oddly enough I want to be strong for her. I don't truly know the turmoil she is going thru inside. Is it confusion, anger, depression, or what? Until she has made this journey we will never really know what it is.

I just saw something this morning that I liked and will have to think on daily. It said..."Don't worry about your situation...trust his plan. God has the final say!" The power of prayer cannot be explained, but the power of prayer can be experienced.

All I can do is be me and make myself a better version of me. I will try and be positive throughout the Holidays although I know it will be difficult.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - You sound like you are getting to a good place in your head and in your heart. We have similar styles I think but are perhaps dealing with a somewhat different style of W.

I too have focused on strength but without the benefit of faith. I am envious of people like yourself who Believe. I know it can be a great comfort and I have immense respect for people who truly live their Faith.

One of my role models earlier in my journey was Don Quixote. Yes, perhaps he was a madman who nobody took seriously but he was also devoted to Honour and Duty and true to his Dulcinea. A small statue of him stands guard beside my wedding photo on my desk.

Just like Don Quixote we are surrounded by well meaning people who are determined to "help" by pointing out our madness or by attempting to intervene. Pay them no mind (except for us here - we know everything ... ) and especially do not count on them to follow your flag. Square your shoulders, hoist your lance and ride forward to battle the giants. You are not riding alone. You have your Pride and Faith along with you.

[hawker]

SBJ,

I also believe that God has a plan for us, he knows what our day will be like before we even wake up. I read a devotional everyday and through my whole sitch it seems to focus on having faith in his plan for us. It is hard and I think I do at times but then when the doubts come I know I am not having faith. Keep up with the making your self better for you and your kids!! Yes the holidays are tough! Just remember the reason for the season!

[SBJ]

I too have focused on strength but without the benefit of faith. I am envious of people like yourself who Believe. I know it can be a great comfort and I have immense respect for people who truly live their Faith.

>>>

Just like Don Quixote we are surrounded by well meaning people who are determined to "help" by pointing out our madness or by attempting to intervene. Pay them no mind (except for us here - we know everything ... ) and especially do not count on them to follow your flag. Square your shoulders, hoist your lance and ride forward to battle the giants. You are not riding alone. You have your Pride and Faith along with you.

AP, thanks for the reply. I do believe that faith has alot to do with being able to stay sane...at times. I still, on occasion, break down, but I know that seems to be slowing down. I think that I am detaching slowly, but surely.

I do pray daily that God will allow my M to be healed, but I have faith that things will work out in his time.

SBJ,

I also believe that God has a plan for us, he knows what our day will be like before we even wake up. I read a devotional everyday and through my whole sitch it seems to focus on having faith in his plan for us. It is hard and I think I do at times but then when the doubts come I know I am not having faith. Keep up with the making your self better for you and your kids!! Yes the holidays are tough! Just remember the reason for the season!

hawker, our faith is what helps us stand. As it says in Joshua 1:9 ... "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”