Well I had been trying to delay the d but w is back to calling her attorney to get it done (she called my attorney today). Once again she's in a big rush to get it finalized. I was trying to buy some time as we were getting along well and she was hanging around until about a month ago. My attorney asked if she could start putting the decree together. I asked her for a couple days to think.
I guess there's not much I can do but give her what she wants. Maybe it's what she (maybe me too) needs to move through her journey and realize it won't make her happy. I didnt expect the sting I've felt today though.
I'm sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. I think I would have to advise my attorney that he/she is working for you, and not your wife. Are you being charged for her call to your attorney? Your attorney needs to be working w/you and only dealing w/you and her attorney.
In some cases, life gets a bit easier once the divorce is finalized. You won't have to walk around on eggshells and the heavy weight of her drama will be lifted from your shoulders. You have to remember that it's just a piece of paper and who knows what will happen down the road, i.e., the two of you could reconcile or move on and meet someone new who will not only respect you and love your children, but will cherish you for who you are. I know you want to save your marriage, but if she's that gung ho on a divorce, she can do all of the heavy lifting and hard work through her lawyer.
Kyh, I hope for your sake and the children's that she will settle down and leave things be until after the holidays.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry to hear that Kyh! You're right, there is not much we can do... to break the marriage it takes only one. As Job says, d is just a piece of paper. But I do know how painful it is for you. Let's hope for the best (whatever the best is)! Big hug!
My last post reads a little off. W is contacting her attorney who is contacting mine. So w does not talk to my attorney. I don't want to, but I think I'd rather have my attorney write a decree to make sure it is worded in my favor with the custody issue. Idk what to do, I almost told her to go ahead today but was cycling with anger and depression. I may ask her to wait until the holidays are over. The reality of this is hitting hard again.
Idk what is up with w. She was horrible again last night. Looked awful too. I think she was trying to pick a fight. I literally bit my tongue and listened while thinking stfu smoothie. Not going to let her make me the bad guy. At one point I did tell her "it seems like something in you changed lately, you're acting different." She then told me it's me, not you. Like when you made cupcakes with the kids, it's none of my business what you do, I shouldn't have been mad about that. I need to spend less time time here." She also seemed upset I had things out to decorate the tree with the kids. I told her she was welcome to stay but she said no, then told me to be careful with her good bulbs and left soon after. I enjoyed my time with the kids decorating.
She was better tonight but looked awful again. She's either not sleeping, crying, or both. I don't get her, she's leaving again this weekend but complains about not having enough time with the kids. She told me step in laws are moving and she's going to help and is coming back early Monday before work. Idk if I believe her, I almost slipped up and asked if she was seeing om again but kept quiet. She also left a Catalog she got in the mail open to a page with calogne. On purpose maybe? Trying not to let this bother me.
She also told me things she has told me twice already recently. This is becoming a common theme. In fact the kids told her she had a bad memory and she got defensive.
Not sure what to do about the decree, I guess I'll give it another day to think more clearly.
Well, clearly she is super confused. I am sorry she has opted to go this route. They all try different magic pills and potions.
However, it sounds like your MLCer does sometimes voice some of her thoughts. One thing to consider is when she is spinning and even she's even indicating confusion is to say something very simple like: "well, there's no need to rush things. You are busy with lots of stuff. No decisions need to be made on the divorce this instant."
When my h was talking 24/7 about his shag pad being the answer to all his problems, one time, I calmly and quietly said: "there's no need to rush things."
For my h a look of relief washed over him. I think he was feeling soooooo much pressure that he felt he had to do something; anything really to ease the pressure. It didn't seem to occur to him that there was no need to rush things.
I can't say it'll slow your w down. But, I see some similarities in our sitch's in that mine too was panicky and outwardly expressed moments of confusion.
Maybe this is worth a shot? If you think so, my advice? Be calm, quiet, and nonchalant but kind of like it's not no big a deal to make this decision now. I totally faked my nonchalance as I was freaking out as he was acting so erratic. I was eating an apple during it to seem like it was no biggie. If she spews, maybe say "you have a lot going on now. There's no rush." Seem kind of distracted to affirm it's no big deal. Then leave the room.
My h seemed kind of hypnotized when I told him there was no need to rush things. It was so weird. For me, it was a HUGE 180 to act like this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks HaWho, trying to be calm and not let her affect me, especially not for her to see at least.
Thought I'd update since it's been a little while, not much new though.
W got an apartment last week. She was all excited, like a teenager moving out. She asked if she could come by my office to tell me about it before she picked. She had me look at a couple places, then told me I could go by to look at them if I wanted. I told her it was okay, I just wanted somewhere the kids were safe. She took a 4-plex next to a school so that is good. I'm not happy about giving up my kids every other week but inside I know I'm doing the right thing. They need their mom, they miss her. Hopefully the mother/w I know shows up soon though. She's been all up and gungho about this apartment. It is her latest problem solver so maybe the next step through this mess.
She hinted around about firewood and after joking to get it at the gas station I told her she could take some from the bin. She then suggested splitting a cord and keeping part of it here. IDK about this, maybe I'm being too nice. I don't burn it often but like to have a few days supply of wood for emergencies and have enough.
She also told me she wanted different Christmas ornaments since she is getting a tree for her apt. This was a big thing to her and I can tell she is bothered by what is up in my house. She told me she wanted some that were on the tree. I told her "you're a mean one Mr. Grinch" and she said, "well not now, after Christmas, LOL" then asked if she could take the nativity my mom gave her. I told her they were hers, I can't believe she wants them since they came from my mom.
I've had a horrible case of strep this last week and finally starting to feel better today. Unfortunately the kids got it Sunday night and I spent yesterday taking them to the Dr. and home from work with them. W had been okay, w/o any more d talk. Then today she got it. I could tell she was waiting for anything to get mad at. This weekend she tried to accuse me of talking **** to her friend because I talked to d's friend's mom at a bday party about our dogs but I smoothed it over(I had a brief stint of feeling better, and thought I was over it so I went out). She complained about being sick but said "not your fault" when I told her sorry. Then after I got to work her texts started. She was upset about a letter s wrote at the request of his teacher as Friday a kid at school grabbed his backpack and tore it up for no reason (I talked to him a lot about it and obviously this kid has problems). His spacing was bad. She asked if I was even spending time with them doing homework, etc. I didn't respond (it was upsetting as I get them ready, skip lunch so I can pick them up, take them to daycare, go back to work, then pick them up and go home to do homework, clean, dinner, etc.), so once again she contacts her lawyer... I asked why she was in a hurry to D and if it could wait until after the holidays. She said okay but was obviously annoyed. Now tonight she was talking to me about splitting Santa gifts. It would be kind of nice since things are kind of tight but IDK. I'm thinking of telling her we need to do our own thing, especially since I won't be there Christmas morning. She told me to text her but I told her I was tired of texting and we could talk. She left w/o talking about it. We'll see tomorrow I guess. I don't know where I'd be without everyone here and learning to dig for patience when I think there is none left.
This next part is weird and I contemplated whether or not to share it and don't know why because I will sound crazy but here it goes. This weekend I had a dream where our friend who was killed appeared to me and said "w's name will come back" then turned to leave. I thought to her don't leave and she then stayed with me but there was nothing, just blackness. We sat beside each other for what seemed like hours but it was just black. I awoke feeling better than I have for a long time, IDK how to describe it. I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I guess time will tell... It's weird, I've had dreams about her before but this was much different.
Your dream isn't weird. Sometimes we are given signs and apparently your sign is to be patient.
As for your wife's new apartment, she'll be all happy and giddy for a while, but then the shine will wear off and she'll start complaining about it because her "high" of something new and exciting has worn off.
As for the sharing of the firewood, that is up to you. If you feel you can give her some, then do so...but be sure you aren't cutting yourself short. As for the Christmas gifts, again, the decision to share is up to you. You don't want to get to the point where she's borrowing or suggesting splitting everything just to save her a few bucks. Her moving out and getting her own place is to help her grow up and w/growing up comes responsibilities and accountability for her life. After all, if God forbid, you divorce, she's going to have to do some of these things on her own and what better time to start practicing independence than now.
I do hope you are feeling better and are resting as much as possible. You've got a lot on your plate and the stress will wear you down.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Honey - that dream ... in the shamanic circles I travel in, that's considered to be more than a dream .. that's considered to be a message. It's just an opinion.
The thing is, W may come back - they often do - and then it's the LBS' decision whether or not to accept the WAS back.
So, given all that, my feeling is that the most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to move forward, GAL activities, focus on yourself and any changes you want to make.
If she comes back, great. deal with it then. If she doesn't, you've made a life for yourself and made yourself into the best you possible.
the thing is, I re-posted a link to d_Rose's thread about the WAS who came back and talked about what prolonged his situation. Dropping the rope finally woke him up and brought him back. I suggest reading that.
Also, strep is awful. Painful and tiring and being run down due to stress, as Job indicated, really does a number on our immune systems. Wishing you a speedy recovery and lots of good rest and chicken soup. xoxoxoxo take care of yourself! hope this helps.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
re: Christmas gifts, I dunno. I'm leaning towards let her get her own gifts as the sooner she has to deal with stuff on her own the sooner she's going to face those dreadful consequences the WAS' like to avoid like wayward teens. Ultimately though, follow your gut on that. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Job and Bttrfly. I'm glad I shared that now, it seemed like more than a dream so that is how I'm thinking about it. IDK how to describe it but it was different, so refreshing, it's still consuming my thoughts.
Bttrfly, I read that thread when you posted it and it gave me a lot to think about. I'm going to go back and read it again.
Well W couldn't wait. I found out through correspondence that her attorney is putting a decree together. I guess this is the next step and what she feels she needs. Not a surprise really.
More getting old talk from her (did give me a chance to toss out a seed on the possible thyroid issue) to me and the kids and she's apartment crazy. She took s over tonight and had him excited then made a comment when he wasn't excited when she brought it up at my house.
She's been terrible the last couple days. Getting mad at me for anything. I'm back to dreading when I get a text from her but caring less. IDK even remember why she was mad at me yesterday. She was mad at me today because it was the kids Christmas program tonight and I told her my parents were coming to watch. She was relieved once she new she wouldn't have to see them. In one of her texts she said "no one wants me around" referring to them. I told her it wasn't true and left it at that. Tonight I told her I thought we should do separate gifts and she got mad and left. Then sent me a few hostile texts saying how it was a good idea. Lots of hostile texts the last few days.
The Christmas program was nice, both of the kids did great. Their school has a good music program and the teacher does a great job. It made me realize how fast they're growing up as I feel like I've lost a year dealing with this.
