Thank you, fightin for stopping by to offer your support. I continue to hope and trust that my guy will see someone for his depression and anxiety soon.
Well, my guy is out hunting again this week. Little communication. I have to be honest, I've questioned more than once if that's really what he's up to but he came over last Wednesday evening with all his hunting gear because he'd left from the camp he'd had set up. He paid hundreds of dollars for this hunting license and then didn't get to go on a big trip so he's been out overnights and before work since he works evenings/nights. Season ends this week. Even still, so hard to separate reasonable instincts from just emotional nonsense when you're pregnant. Ugh. I don't know what to believe.
Ultrasound on Thursday was great. Baby looks really healthy, doctors said. It was a super, super in-depth, long ultrasound so that is reassuring. Dad-to-be seemed happy and loving but it was still dim somehow. Hard to describe. We had a pretty good weekend but it's all kind of a blur, honestly. Yay, mommy brain.
But then the barely any contact so far since he left Friday afternoon has been hard. Dunno. Trying to be patient. Think he'll be over tomorrow night, leave again Friday afternoon.
I did do something a little iffy today. I know that his demons have gotten to him a few times about this pregnancy, that maybe I did it on purpose - a common and not unreasonable assumption a lot of guys at least consider when an unplanned pregnancy happens. I don't think I should take much of the blame - he wanted a baby as much as I did, just not yet, and didn't use a condom like he was supposed to. Well, anyway, I found messages from the weekend our baby was conceived talking about how I'd taken the emergency contraceptive as we'd agreed and was feeling awful. So, I sent screenshots of the messages to him with the time and date stamps along with a reassuring message that I have never and would never try to keep him through deceit or tricks and that it just seems like the universe wanted this to happen now because otherwise we would have to worry about Zika after our move this summer. I told him that I completely understand why his demons whisper the things they do and that they are trying to protect him and I respect that. But that I am on his side, too, and mean to protect and honor him as well and that I look forward to watching him bond with our little girl. He's very, very wrapped up in fatherhood and is such a great dad to his son and he's amazing with my DD (4) and even my son (16) and I'm grateful for that. Anyway, we'll see how that message goes over.
I'm trying to get myself in the head space to just focus on my house. I have a lot of cleaning up and decluttering to do while I'm in between semesters so I need to get moving. He's already moved in a bunch of his stuff a few months ago but will be moving more in if he moves in in the next couple months and I need to make some room for his stuff especially in closets and the kitchen. My apartment is very small and there will be five, sometimes six, of us here, plus the two kitties. I am not a minimalist by any means but I don't mind parting with things to make room for him and to get the apartment more ready for baby.
But... no matter how hard I try to just *focus* on the things I need to do, I fail. I just want to cry. I'm so anxious about our R that I can't really function. Maybe things will look better after this weekend. The hunting season ends Thursday and maybe he'll be more focused on us after that. We'll see. He kept hoping to feel the baby kick last week when he was here and was happy to get to watch her wiggle all through the hour and a half of ultrasound. Maybe this week baby will give daddy a good kick to get his butt in gear!
I did try to distract myself this week by gathering items to put in a gift basket for my parents. I haven't told them about the baby yet - even though I'm almost 22 weeks - in part because I had some worries about baby's health and wanted to at least know how things looked before telling them and in part because my mom will be upset because we're not married and my sister will be very upset because she can't have children and this is my third. My dad will be concerned about finances and logistics but will otherwise be supportive and agree that the timing wouldn't actually get any better, all things considered. My folks are wonderful grandparents and I know they'll fall in love but it's just difficult to tell people things they won't initially be ecstatic about. But since I have these great ultrasound pictures now, I thought it would be cute to put together a basket of goodies that goes with our baby's name (yes, there are edibles tied to her name but it's not super weird), and put the picture in a Christmas card for them telling them they'll need another stocking for next year's family Christmas. My folks are 3,000 miles away - where we're trying to move to this coming summer - but no matter what we'll definitely have Christmas with them next year. I asked my guy to write a note to my folks reassuring them since we haven't gotten married yet (we want to have a wedding in my home state after the move), and he said he would. So we'll see how that goes.
Have tried to chat up the couple of sort of friends I have here. Going to have dinner with one early next week and hang out with another later in the week. Also keeping busy with a lot of the online groups I'm in, giving out advice and trying to help people - good practice for when I finish up my psychology degree. I know my head isn't completely rational right now but I can't really help how I feel. It's not a good time to have things up in the air at all. Trying to fill up my life with things other than anxiety about this situation and wild conjectures about what my guy is doing with all his time 100 miles away. Not easy.
I just keep telling myself, "Everything is going to fine, one way or another, and you don't know that the sky is falling anyway." I have to stay focused on my goals: Reassuring my guy about us and our relationship and family and future together by being calm, focused, effective, charming, and low maintenance. I want so much for us to get back to those giddy conversations about whether we should really wait for a wedding or just elope in Idaho some weekend. I want to get back those daydream talks about houses we've been looking at online. I want to flirt with each other while we make a giant batch of *our* chili together. I want him to see someone for his depression, find a job here, and finally move in. And I don't want anything fancy or at all expensive but, yes, darn it, I want a ring on my finger! Enough talk about getting married, give me an official commitment. I want him to tell his stupid, toxic "friends" (which isn't even remotely all of them, of course) that their opinions are not welcome, they don't even know me, and that they should be happy for him because he is starting a family with a great girl who treats him well and respects *who he is*. I want him to tell his ex to shut up, quit talking trash about me, and accept that their little boy is getting a little sister - my baby, our baby - and she needs to accept that and not destroy the relationship between siblings before it's even begun by being irrationally hostile toward me when I've only ever been kind to her. I want to get back invites to spend time with his family because he's just so excited to have me in his world. I want the little mini adventures we used to go on together, spontaneous trips out to the woods to enjoy the stars together. I want us to plan a teensy, little get away before the baby arrives. I want this weirdness to *go away*. I want *us* back. All of this, this is who we are as a couple and I miss it *so much*.
My plan right now is to be a little aloof but awesome and sweet. I plan to move forward with the things that need to happen if we are going to be living together, moving across the country, and all that. But I plan to do my best to be low pressure, low (visible to him) anxiety, not talk about the R too much, and just try to be good company - again, not easy given the emotions and hormones (this pregnancy, man, is way more emotional than the others - I cry while watching My Little Pony with my daughter!). It's pretty hard not to talk about your R and be low pressure when you're pregnant, though. Like, I don't even know... can we even go look at baby stuff together or is that too much? So hard. Oh well. Will just have to do my best. There's a reason he was on cloud nine about us just a few months ago - I'm a great partner and a pretty good catch! - and I have to remember that and build on it.
Not easy. 
