Phoebe, nearly a year on, still a work in progress

[Phoebe]

Well, I would absolutely love to have some of your tea,Silver Heart, and your scones would be most welcome, Miss V. I LOVE scones. And tea, too! Come on over and sit a spell in my virtual kitchen. I'm baking right now (that part is real).

Scrant, thank you so much for the kind words. I really do appreciate them.

So I had a tough weekend, just continually peppered with memories, not just painful ones, but a mixture of all kind of memories. Pleasant memories of holidays with family, memories of holiday baking and tree decorating, my wedding, silly little things that were charming, and then the memories that aren't so great, too. I wasn't dwelling, nor was I over-thinking, but thoughts just kept flitting through my mind like birds through the trees. They were all seemingly trivial vignettes, but I guess they've been building up.

I was skeptical that this would be such a tough time for me when my therapist mentioned it last month, and I was doing fine until lately, but indeed, it seems to be more than I was anticipating or prepared for. Saturday I was doing my human water fountain impersonation on and off again all day. This non-specific sadness kept rolling in and over me. I had company all day, and then went out to dinner with a whole group of people. I was busy, I was with friends, some close, others less so; I had a good time, but when I got home I just started crying again. Ugh.

Sunday I went out to eat with l-friend. We went into the restaurant laughing and smiling, and we were both having a good time. I wasn't thinking about anything, really, and then all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to start sobbing right there in public. It was the Christmas music - just the normal stuff you hear everywhere this time of year, nothing obvious, but it caught me with my guard down, I guess.

I've been carrying a single Xanax dose in my wallet for emergencies for months, and never needed it. Let me just say that I took it right then and there. I wasn't anxious. I just couldn't handle breaking down in public (something I haven't done since WH left) because of some nonspecific feelings triggered by seasonal music. I just wanted to be a bit numb.

Today has been good again, probably because I've been home and insulated from the whole, overwhelming seasonal associations out there in the larger world. You can't go anywhere at all right now without constantly being reminded of the time of year. Mix that enormous seasonal time stamp with the trauma of being abandoned, and it's no surprise that I prefer to be home where I can approach the season in my own, carefully moderated, way.

When I saw my therapist in Monday, that's what I ended up talking to him about for a little while - the idea that this season is so overwhelmingly... obvious.

That said, I'm loving my little homegrown Christmas, in my own space where I can maintain more control as to what I am exposed to. I'm only listening to music that is new, so there are no memories to be pulled back to the surface. I try to moderate the rest.

Tonight I'm baking my signature biscotti, and having a good time doing so. Bear in mind that I was baking the exact same cookies on the evening STBXH decided not to come home last year. You'd think that would be a trigger, but I've my non-seasonal music cranked up, I'm home alone, and I'm enjoying myself quite a bit. Go figure. Where was this calm on Sunday?

I've been slowly making progress on my chicken Taj-Ma-Coop extension. Today I got all of the rafters cut, using both power and hand tools, and that kind of stuff makes me happy. I'm a tool-using primate!!! Winter is coming my way fast and furious, so I'm hoping to at least get the rafters up so that I'd at least be able to use a tarp to cover the top of the enclosure for the winter. The sides will be enclosed with clear plastic so the birdies will have a nice sunny, snow-free zone when it's too deep for them to range around outdoors.

OK, I'm yawning my silly head off, so it's time for bed. Goodnight to all.