Under a Big Umbrella

[HaWho]

Yes, Job the tree is up. He put it in the entryway hall this year. And it looks nice there. No tree in his room this year. He bought a few decorations for the house though.

And yes, he's coming back east, too. But, the boys and I are staying on for several days without him.

Roist and Job, excellent question - what do I plan to do? Roist phrased it as my Scarlet O' Hara "frankly my dear, I don't give a d@mn speech" and Job framed it as a new found free way of thinking. And it is both.

One thing that is changing (and this is awful) is that I don't bother giving him much of my energy at all. There's no point. He is too crazy. He still locks his door against us and presents much paranoia. I feel it's all too nuts for him to stage a comeback. And even if he woke up this instant I am just not sure what is to be said at this point. He has accused me of trying to kill him!!!

Just letting that sink in for a bit.

Besides putting more distance between us, I am not sure what to do. As I said, it's so much more complicated than "I just need him to wake up."

In some ways I feel squeezed. Him waking up does not fix things. Him saying sorry and working on it does not fix things. I don't see a friendship with him as he is a complete weirdo. So what am I still here for, then? I don't want to share/split my kids so I feel stuck. I have zero interest in another man although I am lonely living in the house as the only adult.

I guess for now I just find more ways of making myself happy.

Get a load of this. Last year I told h to do his own shopping for his family. This year he is buying everyone the same exact gift! It's an electronic gadget. So 6 people will open the exact same thing!! (I think most of them already have one, to boot.) Can't wait to see the jokes flying when they see the pattern. His family has a merciless sense of humor. Barbs will fly. I may join in: hey, how come I didn't get one?!?

However, with his kids, looks like he's gotten the memo as he is asking them what they want.