We have been together for 25 years and married for 18. The marriage was happy but no without problems. She is very strong willed and I wrongly took a back seat to her demands and wishes for most of the marriage. We also argued a good bit but nothing out of the norm.
She began acting differently in September. Happy but very secretive with her phone. I became suspicious and began to snoop. The day before my birthday she handed me her phone and I found a messaging app hidden in a folder and discovered that she was having an affair. She went on a tirade about how I ruined everything by snooping and if I had just well enough alone it would have run its course and we would have been happy. I messaged the OM and he immediately stopped all contact. This made her even angrier. she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. The next month was filled with fighting and her refusing to apologize.
She also began going out with her friends a couple of times a week. She said she had devoted her life to me and the kids and now was her time to be happy. She is now training for a bikini fitness competition and looks great. Her moods are a roller coaster. One day she wants her freedom and doesn't want to be married and the next she is willing to work on it. We have been having sex a couple times a week. Usually I iniate.
Last week, we had another relationship talk and she said she was done. I said if she didnt go out until the new year we could stay together over Christmas for the kids. She keeps making references to January when we are done.
She has hit every check mark on every mlc checklist I can find online. I have broken every rule that I have read on here over the last 3 days. Need some advice. Dont hold back
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
hi welcome If its MLC, it can be a long ride main thing is you want to focus on you Take care of yourself If she is going out with friends you can also make some plans for yourself find some new or old hobbies do something different only time will tell what she will do watch the finances maybe for now just watch her at a distance and try to be validating of her choices when appropriate no snooping try to not engage in Relationship talks as they usually do not help spend time with the kids as they are probably confused at this new mom they see the more stable we become the easier the tradition for everyone if she is seriously in MLC, you won't be able to stop her she will become bazaar and different than the old w she may act teenager like or buy new clothes remember you have no control over her-you didn't cause this and can't fix her the best thong you can do is detach and try to heal yourself- therapy for you may also help
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. You found a great site full or resources and people that really care.
Peace gave you some nice tips on the new W and that you can't fix her. Only thing I can add is love your kids twice as much.
They will need you. Your W's possible entitlement to have her own happiness will consume her and she most probably will be there less for the kids. You need to do double duty. Hopefully I'm wrong but the mother instinct in most cases seems to disappear.
keep posting and read all you can. The more you understand the more you can be stable for your kids
Take care
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Thank you both for your replies. I have been lurking here for a week or so. This board is a God send. I am getting so much different advice from my family and friends. Noone seems to understand and just want me to protect myself and come at her both barrels blazing. I wouldnt wish this kind of drama on my worst enemy.
Not sure what the new year or better yet even tomorrow will hold.I still love her and am 100% sure this is a MLC. Just trying to figure out how to react and what to do when she crosses boundaries for going out that I set. She seems determined to end this in January. Only time will tell.
Here's my two cents and you don't have to take it if you don't want to. I would start today by not discussing your situation w/your family and friends. I suggest that you select one, maybe two, really good friends and use them as your support system. People do not understand MLC and until they walk in your shoes, they will not understand and are very free w/giving advice. They don't want to see you hurting, but they don't realize just how much their "supportive" comments, advice, etc. really does hurt especially this time of the year.
If someone asks about your situation, you can always say "it's a work in progress". They do not need to know your business.
Can you tell us more about those boundaries you have set? Maybe if you give us some examples, we can offer up some suggestions on to deal w/them.
As you know, you are always welcome to come here and chat about anything. The Forum is open 24/7 and we are all in different time zones.
Take your journey one day at a time and stay in the present as it is a gift. The future is not ours to see and it will unfold when it is ready.
I get the need to set boundaries with them especially while still living in the home but I would seriously doubt, they would follow them
So watch, but put the attention on you and the kids Let us show you who she is because the hardest thing for some of us to understand is this sudden shift from a rational spouse, concerned about our family to a adolescent like crazed person- just observe her,
I agree do not listen to everyone..famiy doesn't understand find someone or a therapist that gets MLC Many people out there have gone through it with a family member I have 2 friends who experienced it first hand
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
She is saying that the ultimatum that I gave her(not going out with her friends every week and staying out until 2) is why she is done in January. I am almost at the point of telling her to go do whatever she wants as long as she doesnt cheat. Definitely not what I want but I dont want to lose her either.
She was basically rewritten our marriage as one where I constantly put her down and made her feel unworthy. We had fights and I did say things from time to time but it was a rare exception and not a rule. I have been working hard on myself for the last three months and she notices that. She said it is too little, too late.
Not sure if I should let her go out and hope that she tires of it and doesnt file in January or stand my ground. I have stopped texting her and calling her and have done my best not to discuss our relationship. I am just at my wits end.
Are you her husband or her father? Both of you are adults and unfortunately, you are not her father, nor do you have the power to control her or her behavior. You can only control yourself and how you react to her behavior.
You aren't dealing w/someone who is thinking like an adult at the moment. She's thinking like a 16 yr old. They rebel against any authority that they think you hold. I can assure you that MLCers will take the easy way out when given ultimatums.
So, daddy, what are you going to do if she goes out during the week and misses curfew? Going to ground her? Think again, she's going to do what she needs to do to find her lost self.
I wouldn't say another word to her about her going out and staying out. You've stated how you feel about her doing these things, now leave it alone. Oh, and by the way, if you state that she can do whatever she wants except cheating...you are opening a can of worms and just to rebel against you and what you stand for, which is an authority figure, she just might do it to spite you. The more you demand she stop doing something, the more she's going to do it. It's called rebelling against an authority figure and you may just remind her of the person who stunted her emotionally a long time ago.
Well, they all rewrite history and her perception of you and how you made her feel is very real to her because they are her feelings and perceptions of how things were. Maybe they aren't true and maybe they are just a wee bit. We each have our own perception of how things are going in our relationships and sometimes we don't realize that both parties may see things just a bit differently and right now, her glasses are totally dark and your glasses are foggy, but they will clear up in time.
You may have been working on yourself for the last three months...but you've got a ways to go. Ultimatums will not work w/MLCers. Step back and leave her alone. I want to pound this into your mind so that you'll remember this...you can't control what she thinks, says or does. You don't "let" her do anything because she is an adult and she's going to do what she needs to do. The only thing you are going to do is focus on you and how you react to her behavior. You need to just leave her be. Yes, I know her going out is bugging the BS out of you, but again, you are not her father nor her "employer". She is not your daughter or your "employee". She has free will and she's going to be making a lot of bad choices along the way, but she has to grow up and learn the lessons she missed early on in her life. At the moment, she doesn't want your help and she needs to dive in head first in the MLC roasting pan and work through her crisis.
Just remember, the more you tug on that rope, the more she's going to focus on rebelling and she will not be focusing on her internal work of self.
There is a very slim chance that if you back off now, don't make demands and just leave her be, she may not file in January. There are times that they will threaten filing to get us to back off.
Keep the focus on you and leave her be. Having them in the house is difficult, but it can be done. Visit HaWho's threads. Her h is living in a "dorm" room in her home and he's been in the MLC oven for quite some time. She's managed to do an excellent job of keeping her sanity.
Also, you might want to take some time and educate yourself a bit more on MLC and depression.
Job posted my MLC welcome post to you. Make sure you read it. It contains some of the answers you are searching for. You started another thread in newcomers so that gave you more homework. It has other threads that are not here, read it too!
Most important thing in both of these threads is Keep Posting.
