Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Well, it has been a fairly quiet couple of days, very little drama. I'm back at work after my op.

Yesterday WW & I exchanged some texts, she sent me a nice pic of me & D. Then she said she needed help... with 'the problem' as she put it. Her anxiety had been bad the previous night, like a heart attack.

I replied "My thoughts, if you want them... it is inextricably linked with your anxiety. Among other things, it probably started easing it, made you feel less alone and isolated. The thought of removing it is like the thought of removing your medicine, never mind the removal of the other addictive aspects.
You just have to know that you are not alone, not isolated - we have lots of issues to work out, work together to rebuild our relationship to be better and stronger than it was, than we ever thought it could be. I know we can do that. We can do anything we put our minds to. Xx"

Maybe too much, I don't know.

She also said she felt messed up in the head and and said reading some of the affair recovery info on the web 'really messes with you'.

I told her she needed a plan to cope once she made her decision, and have friends, strategies, temptation resisting techniques etc, but she probably knew that already.

She felt that actually doing it was the problem (I assume she meant cutting off EA) and also the tantrum that would ensue from OM. She then said that she just needed me to look after her, and that she was a little deranged.

At that point I let her know I had a copy of Torn Asunder (under my pillow), hadn't started reading it yet but she might find it useful.

I also told her that the doing was something that she had to be ready to commit to, and that she could approach it in such a way that she didn't have to suffer OM tantrums, just take the advice of various ending affair web sites (NC letter, cut off comms etc). I told her I couldn't help her to come to that decision, I'd tried and failed and been pushing her further away, but that I am there and will be there to work on us & making things better afterwards, that I chose her for life.

I mean it all, but it feels like I am being too much of a support for her to lean on? She needs to get to the right place mentally herself. Everything I read says I am the last person who should give her advice, but I don't think she will talk to anyone else now. That said, in the context we were talking, I don't think it immediately pushed her away or was dismissed by her.

When I got home she had been reading the book, she was fairly tired. We didn't talk too much, just exchanged some pleasantries. She had moved some furniture around, and instead of my usual 'why did you bother' response, or "why didn't you wait for me do do the heavy stuff", etc. I told her that it looked good with what she had done with it, and started to ask her about what she wanted to do next, what colour was she thinking of painting it, etc. I'm starting to realise that I usually focus on my own feelings about stuff first before realising and appreciating what she has done. Sometimes I won't like it, but sometimes, I will, and I should make that known.

I've been reading DR, set some goals, now up to Step 6. I need to go back and do some revision, and maybe refine my goals a bit. Starting to think about the small changes I can make about how I handle things that will make me feel better about myself and will probably make WW feel better about me - gain some confidence in myself & my abilities again. I haven't lost it all, but I know I am not firing on all cylinders at the moment.

Today has been quiet again, just a few text messages regarding children, train delays, and reminding her about her blood test (related to anxiety, in case there is anything else at play).

Work was better also. I felt my head was screwed on again, felt more focussed. I need to be because the last few months have been way off due to the home situation.

I know I'm not out of the woods, no corners have been turned, and bad days will inevitably follow, but hopefully good days too. Until the point she has terminated EA, and opened up to me again. She is really conscious about her privacy and detests the fact that I snooped and looked at her comms to OM on her phone, likening it to reading her diary, or violating her human rights. My ability to trust is shaken, so if she keeps me locked out, I will suspect the worst.

These are challenges for the days ahead.

Thank you everyone on this forum. I shall keep on with DR, keep on with detachment, and try and get the hang of distancer/pursuer, as I feel I am still being a bit too eager at times.