So confused 2

[Rose888]

Got out of the house last night to watch the cowboys blow it...

Feeing a little better than I thought I would today. Going dark the last couple weeks hasn't really worked. It's probably helped me some but it hasn't made her think/wonder as far as I know.

I want to reach out. I want to know if this is what she really wants and to tell her it's not too late to work on things.

Advice?? Would I be setting myself up for failure?? She already knows all of this from when we talked weeks ago.

Yes, you'd be setting yourself up for failure. Reread your last sentence.

[Vapo]

Bsb, it is a marathon, not a sprint. You checking every 5 minutes if she's come around is BAD for you, very bad. You have the scale of hours and days in your mind, but it is more like months and years...

You letting your W go is mainly for you, because (as you are seeing right now), she does not give a rat's ass about you. And that is normal, and perfectly ok in this situation. You have to go forward with your life, do not allow yourself to get stuck waiting for her. She may come around, and then again she may not. We are all in the same boat. I am about 2 years ahead of you, so things are a little clearer for me. We all thought that our spouses were the exception to the rule and that they will come around in no time. Sadly that was not the case.

Soon you might come to realize that this whole mess you gotten yourself into is not all bad. This is a great opportunity for you to grow, to rediscover yourself and live to your full potential. It is not an accident that Cadet said at the start of your DB trip that you have been given the gift of time. You have, and use it wisely...

By all means do test the waters with your W, just do not get your hopes up, as it could be another mini BD. And lord knows it is the last thing a LBS needs.

Do report back how it went...

[bsb]

I know I still have a hard time looking at the big picture! I've always been a impatient person. Something I need to work on!!

I ended up not contacting her but then she calls me.... I wasn't able to answer at the time and ended up texting her later just saying "sorry that I couldnt answer, did you need something". She replied back "ok never mind". I don't get that, why call?? This is where screwed up!! I text "ok sorry, you know how I feel and what I want". I'm not sure why I said it!! She already knows how I feel. I get a reply back of "ok". That's where it ended.

So, I'm not sure what she wanted in the first place and she isn't showing any emotions towards me.

[Chris73]

bsb. I feel for you man. I've spent a sh*t ton of time on this board writing about my sitch and asking questions. Making little tweaks here and there to my behavior. Analyzing my W's every word and action. And all the ppl on this board are right, it does nothing to help the situation or make me feel better. You're probably like me in that you're obsessed with fixing this because of how much you love your W and how much you think she's making a mistake.

Trust me, I share your mindset. I just celebrated 9 years of marriage with my wife in August. Now 4 months later we sleep in separate beds, haven't had sex in 3 months, and I've caught her cheating on me twice with 2 different guys. We have 2 young kids and have agreed not to physically separate until at least after the holidays. It's a heartbreaker for sure.

Many ppl on this board will refer to their spouse as an "alien" when they act this way. The problem is that we have no control of when or even if the alien will go back to their planet and return our spouses.

Truly detaching the hardest thing to do because not only do you love your wife and want to be close to her but also because there are no guarantees that detaching will help the situation. Over the long haul, detaching will help you regain your confidence and grow as a human being. The idea is to transform yourself into a man that your W would be crazy to leave. But even if she does, there will be loads more women who will realize your worth.

I'm not speaking from experience (yet), I'm still early in the process myself but I have spent plenty of time doing the wrong things and I can confirm that they don't work.

Hang in there!

[bsb]

Last couple days have been better. I'm starting to feel more angry than sad. Maybe a turning point? I know I will go back and forth more. Still no contact. I have been putting some financials together and a game plan to protect myself. The wife has asked for all this information last week in a email but so far I'm keeping it to myself. I have not been served and my lawyer advised not to do anything until she does. I'm starting to think she's trying to push me into filing. She has wanted this over with quickly so the first thing she should have done was file??

I found out she went to IC. I think her mother made her go. She's having a lot of up and downs living with them from what I've been told.

For the first time since this all started in Oct I feel like I will be ok.....

[Dawgs]

Last couple days have been better. I'm starting to feel more angry than sad. Maybe a turning point? I know I will go back and forth more. Still no contact. I have been putting some financials together and a game plan to protect myself. The wife has asked for all this information last week in a email but so far I'm keeping it to myself. I have not been served and my lawyer advised not to do anything until she does. I'm starting to think she's trying to push me into filing. She has wanted this over with quickly so the first thing she should have done was file??

How are you doing today, my friend?

You will find that your emotions will be all over the place and can change more easily and quickly than that of a teenager's. But, as time passes, it will settle down...at least that's what I keep telling myself. For me, now, my emotions are a wreck concerning the kids. She let me know in no-uncertain terms that we will never go back to even try on our marriage...so, on that end I have let her go as best I could. Does that mean there are times when I miss her and us? Sure, but at the same time I realize there's no use in getting my hopes up. It is what it is.

Definitely do not give her any financial information. None. Your lawyer will need it, but not her. I have a feeling that she wants it for somewhat devious reasons.

I don't think it matters who files first - but some disagree and say the one who does has the upper hand. I'm not sure but in some instances it makes sense. As for me, I had to due the circumstances. I didn't want to and let my lawyer know it. But, as you said, mine wanted me to file so she didn't have that on her. In the end, mine gave in to every one of my things without a fight...

[bsb]

I'm still doing ok. Small setbacks throughout the day but overall better. It's like I finally turned the corner. Do I miss her? Everyday! but I don't dwell on it nonstop.
I still catch myself looking at her facebook. I'm not following her posts but we both still have our pictures up and show married. I keep thinking about changing it to nothing and hiding some pictures but I'm afraid I'll regret it.

She actually text asking if I was home late last night. I've ignored it. I may respond that I was asleep sometime today or I may just continue to ignore?? It's a weird question to ask and not sure how to respond now??

I haven't seen anything that is slowing this down or her changing her mind yet so I'm still trying to just focus on myself. I still expect her to file. I've lost 30 pounds in the last two months and feel healthy again.

[Dawgs]

I'm still doing ok. Small setbacks throughout the day but overall better. It's like I finally turned the corner. Do I miss her? Everyday! but I don't dwell on it nonstop.
I still catch myself looking at her facebook. I'm not following her posts but we both still have our pictures up and show married. I keep thinking about changing it to nothing and hiding some pictures but I'm afraid I'll regret it.

We all have small setbacks. Heck, I still do now to a certain extent. I still see mine on FB concerning what she posts about the kids. But her posts about the kids are very rare, and when she does its like shes trying to show she's a great mom. Ugh.

She actually text asking if I was home late last night. I've ignored it. I may respond that I was asleep sometime today or I may just continue to ignore?? It's a weird question to ask and not sure how to respond now??

I don't know about you, but when that happens to me I'll usually say something like "sorry, I fell asleep. Whats up?" It's ingrained in me that not answering back is kind of rude although in our case it isn't.

I haven't seen anything that is slowing this down or her changing her mind yet so I'm still trying to just focus on myself. I still expect her to file. I've lost 30 pounds in the last two months and feel healthy again.

Just focus on yourself, my friend. That's all you can do.

[Gordie]

I've lost 30 pounds in the last two months and feel healthy again.

The DB diet of stress and sleeplessness.

[bsb]

Well I never did text her back. I was really busy Friday at work and by the time I thought about it I figured it was too late for a real response. Never heard anymore so not sure what she wanted.

Today I had my dad's side of family Christmas. Several didn't know and asked where my wife was. It set me back a lot.. First time in about a week that I got really sad and missed her. She also had her mom's side family Christmas today. I really love her family and just hate we aren't together.

I really feel for everyone here this week! We all miss our spouses and don't even know if they care.... I'm praying for all of us