I was reflecting today on my journey so far. I think I have gone through the stages of grief and am nearing the last stage. I was definitely in denial for a few months. First total denial that anything was going wrong, then partial denial when I was thinking that things could be repaired quickly. Then I remember being angry for a few weeks. I moved through that quickly. I have never been able to hold onto anger for long. Then I remember bargaining as lasting 4 or 5 months. That was when I was trying to "fix" the situation by talking to W and doing things for her. Definitely wasted some time and did some damage during this time. I am hard headed this way, but I never begged, so that is good. I think I can fix things that are unfixable. It was when I realized that this was impossible that I started searching the internet for what I did not know. I found this forum then. It was a big help but it caused me to move into depression. I had some of the lowest days I have ever known. This might sound foolish but I actually didn't know a person could be that sad. It really surprised me. I really turned in on myself for a few more months. I reflected on how it would be possible to be even sadder (death of a child for example) and this made me cringe. I hope I never experience that. Yesterday, something clicked in me. I'm kind of thinking today that I really have lost my wife. Just because she is physically here does not mean that we have a connection. I am happy that we are still together for the kids sake. I don't know if I will fall backwards into depression again but today I only feel a kind of low level melancholy. I have a real "come what may" feeling. I hope that my W comes around but I guess I will have to accept whatever happens.
Not sure why I am writing this. I think maybe it will be good to come and read it later. Especially if I start to get depressed again.
