SH- I do know that no one else had the power to take anything away from me. I just felt like blaming something, lol. I am afraid I will not get my loving feeling back, but most likely because I haven't found the right one yet. No one had any power over me. I've done so much deep digging into myself, I can't stand anymore. My majority of my frustration comes from so much inner work, finally loving myself, and it still ain't happening. I feel like the universe just keeps giving me the finger.
JuJu- it's funny, I think that my ex leaving me was probably a blessing in disguise. Which sounds so weird. My last relationship ending was probably a blessing in disguise too, because I was ready to pick up my life to move in if he wanted me too. Which he didn't, and that was probably a blessing in disguise. I am at the point where I need someone fully committed and not so wishy washy and MLCy. I sure am collecting a wealth of experiences and stories. Some stories make really good party stories too....
I will tell you, there is a real fun to freedom. I answer to no one except a 9 year old girl. There are no expectations of anyone in my life, and there is a real sense of freedom to that. No one can let me down.
Wii, that was a good one!!!
Ex and I took D9 to see santa tonight. He took the day off because of a delayed school opening because she was at his house. So I went to the gym and he picked her up from aftercare and brought her to my house to get ready. I had to feed D9 and myself so I told him I made sausage and peppers last night for tonight and he was free to have some. Of course he asked "what color are the peppers?" He said it was delicious.
Before he came, I realized never in my life did I experience him picking up our child, brining her home, and having dinner together like those families with white picket fences do. Of course it was absolutely nothing like that. We took her, it was dog night and I saw him take a picture of a bulldog and I called him a dog creeper too (because I took a pic of a pug) He said he took the picture because OWW likes bulldogs. He doesn't not share anything about them as a couple together and while I just smile and I have nothing for him, but its feels like he flaunts his betrayal in my face. Probably not intentionally, but it's just not a big deal at all to him. For me, I will never ever forget what their marriage signifies.
As you can tell, I am sort of kind of down and emotional right now.
Juju- I don't like the holidays. Hence my title. This wasn't always me, but for the past 9 years of my life it has been, even though they are supposed to be the best when you have kids.
