I don't know if I'm doing enough on the GAL front, but I'm somehow happy in myself. I guess I came to realise that he is done with our family, so my new goal is to make this divorce the best divorce there is. I'm not sure how to do that, and obviously I'm probably delusional, but the way I see it, we need to work out a decent arrangement for the kids. I feel sick when I that it's over, but I also feel relieved. I don't have to be nice to a person that is (at the moment) treating me like the source of all his unhappiness and problems. Being nice to him makes him think that I want him, while GAL makes him think that I'm dating. I don't see what else there is to do but to distance myself as much as possible from his negativity and his toxic comments.
Christmas preparations are bittersweet. Some moments are amazing, like seeing D2 laugh wearing a Christmas hat, but then there is the realisation that my family as I knew it is broken. And I'm trying so hard to not be angry with him, but it is exhausting.
I decided to wait until after the holidays before I tell my mum. I'm not sure if her knowing would help me or if it will be a burden to have to know how upset she is. MIL will be here in 9 days so I will be able to tell her in person.
I'm going out with work colleagues this Friday night, and I'm making plans with friends for the festive period. I also asked H to confirm in writing the timings of his visits so that we have as little interaction as possible, and so that I can plan things for me in advance. So far he has been appalling at this. For example on Saturday I was about to go for an early morning run when S8 asked me where his dad was. I freaked out because I thought he was in his room and I was not planning on waking him up. I could have left thinking he was home, and he was not there (I was awake since 6 and I didn't hear him leave, so he must have left the night before?). He didn't even bother to apologise or tell me where he was, but I missed on my run and coffee with my friend. Then I rescheduled my coffee only to be told that he was taking the boys swimming, and was D2 ok to stay with me. Of course I didn't want the boys to miss on their swimming so I took the little one with me, but he seems to think that because he is visiting the kids here I'm also part of the furniture or something and he can use my childcare services as and when he pleases. I'm happy to help with the baby, but I need to know in advance what the plans are. I asked for this in writing before the next visit and he said yes.
Another great thing that happened is a course that I'm doing through work. It is really exciting and I'm meeting loads of interesting people
Anyway, I feel ok, strangely optimistic, but it could be the calm before the storm.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
