think of it this way darlin: you are prolonging your misery but allowing yourself to be Plan B ... there is a letter somewhere here from a former MLCer whose wife was someone referred to as "Stayed" ... it was brought over from another board. I will see if I can dig it up for you. Essentially he said Stayed's love for him was always in the back of his mind so he felt he could keep cake eating and it prolonged the mess and delayed his return.
Well worth a read. FOR YOU, not to have any affect on your H ...
Remember as Jack_three_Beans always said: These are for YOU!!!
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
also, read the first post in Jack Three Bean's thread at the top of the forum. much love to you. Hope you have a peaceful day my dear xoxoxoxo {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks for the link, bttrfly. Pretty powerful. I need to re-read Jack Three Bean's post daily.
I hate that so much of my time is still spent thinking about him, what he is doing, where he is, etc. While I am good about not contacting him, it is still a constant loop in my head of thinking about him. Really trying to learn to put the focus on me and my life. Wednesday will be the test - to let H know I will just drop S15 off at his place, no need to come here and pick him up.
I know I am still too close, as when he goes through a distancing cycle it hurts all over again vs. being detached and just observing. I think being so busy with Christmas is a constant reminder I am doing it alone. Also, being so busy, I have not been as good with my spiritual time and introspection / GAL stuff. I need to make it a priority.
Thanks for you kind words.
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
A little more background about my work situation. We have 3 companies, I work with 2 of them. They are all still fairly new companies, still working to be successful, but growing. We have a partner in all 3 companies. My H mainly runs one here in the town we live in, and his partner mainly runs the other one on the East Coast. The third one is much more hands off. I quit my full time nursing job in April to help with the companies. We have known the partner and his family for over 15 years, and I would consider us all close friends.
So - for the company our partner mainly runs I administer the benefit programs, payroll, and several federal compliance programs. No problem. I interact almost exclusively with the partner. I am happy being a worker bee and keeping a second set of financial eyes on everything.
The company here, I do all the accounting, payroll, equipment/supply ordering, and help with anything else H needs. I do participate at a fairly high level helping him to craft presentations, marketing stuff, etc. But mostly I have just always been his proofreader and sounding board. Did something make sense to someone like me who was not intimately involved in developing the technology? It is "his" company - he is developing tech in a field he is an expert in. I have always just been in a support role. I was happy in the role, it was his dream and I was happy to be a part of it and support it. I always (and mostly still do) felt valued and trusted for my opinions and what I contribute. So now, all those lines are blurred a little.
Accounting is cut and dry, no problem. Payroll no problem. And he is still including me on the big business decisions. Here is the problem......
The OW is a consultant for our company. She is an expert in the field my husband is developing tech for. They share this passion. So I see her name on emails, occasionally hear her on conference calls, she is occasionally at the office to advise/test/etc. I haven't run into her yet. It seems it has gotten more and more involved lately - maybe it always was and he just isn't hiding it anymore. But the last week or so it has been very painful for me as she was involved with a few key business meetings.
I can do most of my work from home. I am putting on our joint calendar when I will be in the office so he is aware and can hopefully not have her there. I do not know if any of the employees are suspicious or have noticed. As he still wears his rings and has not said anything to them. It is humiliating. I think this is part of the reason I have been spinning the last week or so.
Part of me wants to go back to a full time nursing job, but part of me wants to stay in the businesses to make sure he is not doing anything crazy or erratic on the business side. My long term financial future is tied to these businesses as well. It also affords me a very flexible schedule to be available for S15 sports activities, GAL, etc. I work hard, but can do it at time of my choosing.
More cake eating. He has my support, understanding and dedication to our businesses, while little by little OW is becoming more entrenched and supporting him as well. What a tangled web we weave....
Let the flogging commence....
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Hi Rose, Considering its a friend/family business, I just don't see how this OW thing could last-- how can she even fit in with you there? I would say, for now, stay with the business. I say this with the same logic of leaving the MBR-- why would YOU bail? Anyway, what GALs are you thinking about these days?
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - I agree for now anyway until I cannot bear it any longer. Every time I feel like giving in and walking away from the business (I would still own 1/2 or our 1/2...), I think - I cannot let her win. I don't have any control if my H is living with her, but I can certainly make it harder for her to replace my presence in the business. It just adds to the difficulty of distancing myself to have to have it in my face. Obviously, what is really at the core is that it is OW that he currently wants as a confidant and supporter - not me. First in his personal life, and now increasingly in his professional. Ugh.
As far as GAL, I have a few friends that I see regularly for happy hours (we are cheap!). I have joined a hiking group, and also a small support group at church. I probably get out at least 1-2 times per week socially, but need to expand my social network a little. Since I work from home, meeting new folks is a bit of a challenge. I also joined a pickle-ball club, but have only been once. Hopefully I will have time in January to start on that again. Our weather is beautiful this time of year, so my preference is for outside activities. I have been working out as well. That really seems to help, especially if it involves being outside vs. the gym.
A good amount of my GAL is just going through the motions, but I figure the chances increase of me actually having fun and putting this sitch out of my mind the more I do it. Fake it til you make it... I definitely am able to enjoy myself more now than a few months ago when I sat and cried through most activities. Progress....
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Text message from H: See you guys tomorrow afternoon (in reference to picking up S15 for his Wednesday night).
My Response: I'm happy to start dropping him off on Wednesday afternoons. That way he can just quickly get his stuff here at home, and get to your place to start homework. And you are not having to rush home from work, come get him, then still have to get dinner, etc. He would just be waiting at your apartment. Might make it easier for you?
No response yet. I channeled my inner Job.
He initiated texts twice with me today. Once in the morning just to let me know his partner left town and he was waiting for a medical procedure. Then early this evening to fill me in on some business news. This was after being very distant all weekend (lots of fun things to do with OW I'm sure...) I usually don't hear from him much on the weekend unless he has S15. I need to detach enough that my emotions are not on his roller coaster of whether he feels like contacting me.
Often times the contact is about S or business, so it is confusing if he is really reaching out to me. He will send a group text to S15 and myself such as "what are you guys up today?"
No wonder has turned into a running fanatic - has to work off all that cake I let him have. (and NOT the Beyonce kind )
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Text message from H: See you guys tomorrow afternoon (in reference to picking up S15 for his Wednesday night).
My Response: I'm happy to start dropping him off on Wednesday afternoons. That way he can just quickly get his stuff here at home, and get to your place to start homework. And you are not having to rush home from work, come get him, then still have to get dinner, etc. He would just be waiting at your apartment. Might make it easier for you?
No response yet. I channeled my inner Job.
Got his reply this morning.....
H: Maybe. I like coming into house to catch up, but understand about S15 and homework.
Thoughts on reply? At least he is admitting he is coming in to see me and catch up - which has always been a question for me. Too much to do today to give this too much headspace, but need I need to deal with it before school starts again in January. For today, I will try to be gone doing errands...
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Hi, I wouldn't reply for now. If you'd like to change the arrangement in the New Year, you can always let him know. Equally, given your S's age, you may not always want to be around when he comes to pick him up.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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