You know HaWho - I was thinking about something during my commute in this morning, and I wanted to run it by you because I thought you might relate.
As Catholics, marriage is a sacrament where the spouses learn about God by being truly intimate with one other person, vs Holy Orders, where those called learn about God by being of service to many. I've been thinking a lot lately about the sacramental aspect of marriage in general and my marriage in particular. I've asked myself was I truly intimate with this person? Was he truly intimate with me? Sifting through it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, I ask myself, "What is left? What is the core for me?" Despite it all, I love him still. It's painful to say as I don't see us having anything to do with each other beyond S. I don't think we will be friends, as some ex spouses are. Where does that leave it? I don't have any answers, but I know that I'm looking at the totality of who my husband is today, and I still love him.
It's not a romantic love. I know who he is at his core, underneath all the rage, sadness, depression. I'm sad that person is buried so deep. I've accepted that he is the only one who can dig himself out. I'm resigned that if he does dig himself out, I am in all likelihood not going to be there. This love I feel veers now more toward an unconditional love, where I expect nothing in return and don't need to express how I feel with words. It's more i think that it is expressed in deeds - like, I intend to support myself and close the wage gap between us to the best of my ability for myself, so that I'm not dependent, but also for him, as I don't want to be a financial burden on anyone, least of all someone who can't handle the stress.
People say, "But you are entitled to xyz" ... it's not about that. It's about being the best person I can be and in so doing, yes, he will get the benefit of that tangentially.
I feel that I'm not articulating this well and I apologize. Let me try again: essentially, because of the intimacy of the marital relationship, I feel that when I put my own reactions aside, what's left is love of an unconditional variety, which survives even if the marriage does not. Does any of this make sense??? I'm trying to work through it all and would love your thoughts on it, as we've talked about the Catholic aspect of it in the past and I value your opinion. Apologies for the hijack ... feel free to respond on my thread xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
