Learning, growing and believing....

[bttrfly]

Friends always ask about how H is, and some have confided how hurt they are that he just dropped them. This last week H had a big blowout with his closest friend, who he works with. He told me friend told him he no longer knows who he is anymore, that he has become so mean. Boy was it hard to STFU on that one.

Good job on the STFU Smoothie!

By the way! On a very exciting side note, S was just recognized for getting a PERFECT score in math on the state wide testing assessment. He continues to be a straight A student and continues to be close with his buddies.

That is fabulous! So proud of him! Woot !!!! Woot!!!!

Now, this is where I know I have reached a whole new level in this. I can actually, clearly see that H thinks this ball is still in his court, that he still has me on some string that he can control, that he still has the power to quiet me down to be a non expressive puppet because disagreeing or showing emotion is wrong.....well, I am no longer that woman. I know my worth, my strength.

It really is all about control with these guys, isn't it?

I pointed out that during the difficult times we had, when he felt unloved, if he ever realised I wasn't quite myself, that maybe something bigger was going on, but instead, all he could think about was what he wasn't getting, instead of what he could be giving. I told him I have tried very hard to be his friend, although honestly he doesn't deserve my kindness, I have been patient and understanding, to let him back in my life that HE cut himself out of in one of the coldest and most uncaring ways I have ever been treated. I told him this experience has been a blessing in teaching me to be a better person and better friend, to appreciate things on a whole new level. But, I have realized I am not good at forgiveness.

This resonated with me so very much. Are you sure we aren't married to the same man? I remember pre- BD by a few years asking stbxh why he chose to concern himself with what I wasn't doing for him instead of asking what was going on with me that was preventing that. I cannot remember his response, but I know it wasn't, "ok then honey, are you ok?"

In fact, this also made me remember something I'd forgotten in my grief: all the times STBXH would say I was doing x or y or z to "screw him" ... ? This is on those rare occasions when we would argue. It really is a weird point of view, isn't it?

I let him know I have lost so much respect for him, how he has treated me and our friends, his opinions...I asked do you really not understand a mother being uncomfortable with her 9 year old son being forced to be around guns when he doesn't want to?? I told him he is really good at pushing my buttons, and as much as I try to keep things about S only, the anger and resentments come back. No matter how he was raised, I told him he is an adult and old enough to do things different and better, as I am. I told him not to waste his time thinking about what to do, that this will remain about S only. I told him I keep hoping the H I know is somewhere in there, but I just don't see him anymore.

You certainly gave him a lot to mull over.

Whew!!! So there you have it. I cannot forgive H, I don't like who he has become, and I don't see change. He has not earned my friendship, my kindness, and it's taken me to get close to him to realize it, if that makes any sense. I am grateful I had that opportunity because I am able to see what an empty fake shell he is, and I needed to see that. Since Thanksgiving, I have felt myself pulling back and away from him. It's hard for me, I am a nurturing person, it's my nature, but I have reached a point of feeling....used....taken advantage of....way too good for this guy.....I know I put myself in that position...but I now am taking myself out of it.

I'm delighted that you have had these realizations. What I hope ultimately happens for you is that in time you can find forgiveness. We forgive for ourselves, not for them, as it frees us from being tied to them.

Forgiveness....that is a big subject here and many discussions I have been a part of here. I suppose my stand is it is possible, if they truly show remorse and regret, which is nothing I have seen with my H. He seems to be considering if I am worthy of him still. HA!

There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting babe. I get it, believe me. I struggle with forgiving stbxh for what he's done to our son. I'm an adult. I chose to be married to this man. Our boy didn't have a choice here. I don't want a lack of forgiveness to keep any part of me stuck to him and that's where I'm coming from when I say this to you because I want that same freedom for you.

I feel I have outgrown him, to put it simply.

Yes. I know what you mean.

M I'm so glad you posted as I've missed you very much and wondered what's going on with you. You are strong and vibrant and moving on. Too bad your H is stuck. It's so funny to me that they expect us to be where they left us, when in fact it is often the case that we've moved so far beyond that while they remain behind.

You are an incredible mom and friend and deserve so much more. You've been patient, kind and loving and not gotten much back. My Christmas wish for you is continued good health and happiness and success for your and your boy and that your H - the one you married, not the guy he is now - shows up, if that's what you want.

much love xoxoxoxoxo