Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Remember, the purpose of your boundaries are to protect yourself emotionally/mentally/physically. For example, I am sure you feel terribly disrespected when your W contacts EAP, especially when you and the kids are home.

That is exactly it, and I have said it in those terms before to WW.

You could say, "When you communicate with your EAP, it causes me to feel disrespected. I will not be disrespected in my own house". You might not want to limit it to just the house, and say, "I will not be disrespected". You have told her how it makes you feel. Your boundary is about not being disrespected. That should be the focus or point.

I did that today. I didn't set any specific consequences other than saying I wouldn't be disrespected or have my children and family home disrespected. This evening I told her that I couldn't consider myself in R with her while she continued to be so disrespectful and contact OM.

You have an obligation to yourself to protect that boundary. The next time you see her communicating with the OM, how can you protect your feelings of being disrespected?

That's a good point. Today I did that by saying I couldn't be in R while it continued, while she was in R with OM.

Just think about yourself. What could you do to defend yourself when experiencing disrespect?

Emotional distance seems to work. I am getting to understand more about detaching, Vanilla made it make sense to me. By feeling that I am not in R while she continues, even though I want to save R. I am not hurting so much at the minute, which is good. However, I have also not got myself out of situation where I am still leaned on (family life is pretty much BAU), so I do feel that I am still being a bit too soft maybe.

Have you ever had to stand up for yourself, face a bully, deal with disrespect in some other form from someone else? What did you do?

Good point. Face to face, deep breath, and stand my ground. Call them out on it. Have done it before in various situations, but found it so much more difficult with my MR.

Considering your W's bold defiance and telling you she has no intentions of ending her contacts with the OM.......would I be wrong to think she has shown disrespect in other ways in the M? You may have thought it wasn't worth dealing with at that moment, or she'd accuse you of making too much out of it.....or you'd shrugg it off. You felt that keeping the peace was more important than having a fight about her tone of voice, eye rolling, heavy sighs, foot tapping, sarcasm, cursing, being rude in front of others, making you look like a dummy in front of your children.........the list is endless. It may have started out in a more less offensive behavior and over time it grew. Maybe it is so bad that her contemp shows in how she speaks to you, or the expression on her face, her body language, etc.

God I wish you were wrong, but you are hitting he nail on the head in so many ways. And conversely I think I am guilty as well. Little digs, disguised in humour, but really not funny, that type of thing. We should have addressed many things, many times over the years, but haven't.

Unfortunate, the nice guy H usually won't call out this type of bad behavior in his W, and her disrespect grows and she begins showing more and more rebellion toward him and the MR.

I agree, although I think that semi passive and not very good with confrontation rather than nice guy would be a better description. I don't avoid confrontation, it's just that I wasn't used to so much of it and to her it was normal for R, I tended to shy away, or want to get out into another room and avoid blowing up - WW is the opposite, and me leaving just made things worse.

Btw, don't offer to tell your WW other ways she can contact OM! Don't make deals about her continuing an EA. Don't accept the responsibility for herEA.

I've taken the view that at the moment I am not going to interfere in means of communication, or involuntarily aid and abet her. My mind, over the past 2 days, with the aid of this site and the books I have been reading, and kind posters such as yourself, has become much clearer, about focusing on myself and my kids. I am working on a plan to be the person I want to be whatever happens. I have been so so unfocused and all over the place lately, I need to get my head right for work, kids, and me.




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