That's me in the spotlight

[Altair]

Journaling.
Party last night was fun. Zero people there know H or even of his existence, that took the edge off I think. Italians hosted and I ended up eating A LOT. Like, a piece of homemade focaccia, pizza, cous cous, two holiday cookies and some chocolate. I think that's more than I've eaten in the past six months, gotta keep on the D diet lol.
I tried to be a good guest and listener and have fun and enjoy myself and block out the film of self-loathing that coats me after I so unfortunately realize how deeply I have internalized all H told me six months ago about why he didn't want to be with me. Note to self to discuss with IC. There was a very beautiful and much younger than me woman lamenting about being single. There were a few younger gents there who came unattached-- she seemed a bit threatened by me. I would guess her desperation was palpable to the men and me, well I'm most likely some mysterious person who is...not desperate? I thought, gaah, look at you, young and beautiful and telling the room about your singledom, just NO! Don't!
I ended up talking to the hostess for a long time about how she prepared all of the dishes.
It's weird, I'm sure there was a time in my life when attention from attractive men would have made me feel better in some way in the middle of a heartbreak. But right now, naah.
The couple got a new apartment, which was very cute. Another couple were talking about their massive home renovation. I've done all of these things in my life. I didn't feel envy for anyone, I just felt disconnected (like a star in outer space?)
It. Is. Weird. To be in this entirely new life of strangers. Heck, I could change my name and ask to be called something else, no one would be the wiser.
Obviously, it was a red flag that I immersed myself totally in H's family, and to a lesser degree, his friends. Even if we were to reconcile it is important to maintain my own life, which I let slip especially since moving here.
I'm a homebody, I like throwing dinner parties, I like cooking for people, I can see how I ended up with not so many friends (but good ones FWIW). I've gone through periods where I isolated myself, buried myself in my work (my one success lol). Forcing myself out there to GAL.