Sit next to V and let's work boundaries in a practical way.
Boundaries
You set a boundary on your actions, your tolerances and your behaviour. The things over which you have control.
You have no control over your WW and what she does. You have control over your reactions to what she does.
Oh and BTW you have no control over your feelings (another time).
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So can I give you an example from my own sitch?
WH, I beleve I am being abused, if you swear at me over the mobile, I will go silent on you.
WH then swears at me again two days later
WH, I asked you not to swear at me over the phone, I said I would go silent. I am now blocking your calls for 4 hrs. If it happens again I will block you for 24 hrs.
WH then abuses on the phone, a week later
WH I am being abused again my phone is blocked to you for 24 hrs, if it happens again I will no longer take calls from you.
So I ceased to take calls.
I set my boundary and I applied it.
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The boundary is that which I tolerate and the enforcement is something under my control. I will not be abused.
Next WH if you swear at me directly, I will walk away
Etc etc etc........
Never state a boundary without a consequence and only state a consequence you can enforce and will enforce.
Recommendation no ultimatum, peeps no matter how valid your point will always over react to an ultimatum.
Example: WH and V on 2 May 2015, text
V: WH I know you are at the Casino with OW and our joint account bank card, there is a withdrawal WH: how dare you check up on my whereabouts it is none of your business who I am with and where I go V: WH I disagree completely although I understand why you might feel that way WH: I do not want any criticism of what I am doing, you always criticise me, you are horrible etc V: I am blocking you as you now as I consider this is abuse
An hr later WH arrives home
WH: I hate you and I can go wherever I like and spend as I choose V: I have blocked our joint bank account and suspended both cards as I have advised I will not fund gambling and OW WH: Unless you unblock now I am leaving for ever V: OK WH: where are the storage boxes, I am taking my stuff now and going V: I have no idea where the storage boxes are, if you go now there is no returning for one month
And he left, to return the following day and the alarm code was changed
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If your time sheet and invoice are not on the server for processing by the 10th of the month, then you will have to wait until the next month to be paid.
That one worked too.
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If you pay within 20 days you will get a discount of 5%
If you pay after 30 days you will have a penalty of 5%
That one works often too.
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So with WW, your boundary is you feel disrespected if she contacts OM in your home.
Consequence you pay your own bills
Consequence I block x
Consequence you move out
Your boundary and your consequence.
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So with WW whilst you have an OM I stay in the MBR and MH. What you do is up to you.
What she does is her choice she can stay in the MBR with you or move to the sofa, spare room, bath or closet
If it continues we need separate space and I stay in the MBR, this you can't enforce ok
I cease to pay your bills or or or or
No ML if you are PA with OM you can enforce
Your boundary, your consequence to enforce something under your control
Etc
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Hope this helps explain my view of it, I spotted your confusion on it.
Others will no doubt chip in.
I recommend Al Turtle on boundaries he writes for teenagers on the subject and it was the only thing I could get to understand it for myself. It's full of forts, villagers, walls and invading armies. And the penny dropped for me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
