So sorry about your serious situation. Affairs of any kind (even if the character is fictional) are very addictive. The chemicals that flood her brain is much like she experienced when she fell in love with you. It's that feel-good moment she craves. Even if she ended physical contact with the OM, she apparently keeps her feelings for him alive in her mind......thus preventing loving feelings for her H. Whenever she sees his photo or watches movies that remind her of him.....read his FB, see his friends or where he hangs out.......ect., it feeds her craving. Whatever ground she may have gained in withdrawing is lost and she has to start all over again. It is very difficult to get him out of her head, even if she is not intentionally feeding her cravings.
IMHO, it takes cooperation from the WW to do whatever is necessary to put a final end to her feelings for OM. If done properly, she will delete everything that reminds her of him. She will experience withdrawals, just like any other type of addition. If she agrees to transparency with her H, it helps her to stay on track while getting through the withdrawals. I won't go on and on about all of that, if you are convinced you no longer want her with you. However, if you are interested in my thoughts about the wayward mindset, you can read my threads on the subject. I think there may be about five or more. Here is the link to the first one:
If you are ready to separate or divorce, I plead with you to seek legal advice before saying anything to your WW. You need to know where you stand, your rights as a father, etc. Get a lawyer who will fight for those rights.
What are the ages of your children?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
