Lost in the MLC Desert

[d_Rose]

Thanks Job and Bttrly for your responses. I agree with all. I need to develop the emotional courage to follow through and put them in place. I have told myself the same many times, as have my IC, friends etc. So what is stopping me? Fear. Irrational fear, but fear. I need to face the fact that it really can't get much worse that him leaving and living with OW. What do I have to lose by standing up for myself and setting boundaries. It goes back also to our pattern of avoiding emotional conflict. Keep hitting me with the 2x4's - I obviously have not internalized the lessons.

Bttrfly - your suggestion is right up my ally. I think it is because it allows me to avoid the direct conflict of setting the boundary. I have planned this a couple of times (on our anniversary I did not want to face him), but he showed up early on both occasions before I had a chance to evacuate. Time to try again.

I also wonder if maybe on Wednesdays, I can offer to just drop S15 off after school? H is always rushed to get home from work and get S15, figure out dinner, etc. I could certainly couch that as a benefit to H to just drop S15 off and save him a trip. I have never set foot in his apartment and can just drop in the parking lot.

Job,

As for him doing things around the home, you will need to decide what you and your son can do w/o his help. If your h offers to assist and you feel comfortable w/him doing things, then okay and be sure to say thank you.

I agree. This is one area I do very well in. I have not asked him for help with ANYTHING. My parents live close, and I have a couple friends that I can call if I need anything. I guess after so many years of moving and having him travel for work, deploy, etc. I became pretty self-reliant. He has offered to do the occasional chores each time, and I thank him profusely like I would my teenager. Ironic - to thank your H for doing 1/20th of what they should be doing. But I have listened to you all on that point!

He's not going to miss his home, you or his son if he continues to use the revolving door of his place and yours. I do think that he feels guilty for what he's doing and that could be why he's been doing some chores, but I would certainly think about setting some boundaries. How can he miss what he sees all of the time?

Agree. I need to follow through with this.

As for having discussions w/him about the relationship...no more. He's not going to work on the marriage as long as the ow is in the picture. His focus is on her and their time together.

I agree We had not had an R talk since August. A lot of anger surfaced on his part directed at our marriage and my questioning of his actions. It was painful enough for me that I did not want to repeat anytime soon. He offered those statements on our anniversary via text. That morning he called me (has only called me 3 times in almost 6 months), texted me good morning (has been weeks since he has done that), but was unable to utter the words Happy Anniversary. But I continually need to remind myself he is actively pursuing a life with OW. Like you said, he may be MLC and confused, but he is still making a choice and needs to live with the current consequences (thus boundaries from me!) I will try to do better.