Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Hello. I am so sorry I haven't been around much. I check your posts here and there when I can, but honestly it's been a mix of staying busy and needing a bit of a break. I see so many new names on here, it breaks my heart when I see a new poster....but I remain so grateful for this board and the strength and growth I gained here. I hope to be able to pay it forward when life slows down a little.

So, like I said, I have been non stop on the go. If it's my night with S, it's dinner, homework, bath, exercise, fall asleep! Nights without S are running errands or out with friends. I also take advantage of downtime and truly enjoy it. I continue to exercise on a regular basis, eat healthy and get good sleep. Physically I feel pretty great. Although, I struggle to stay awake past 9:00! Work is still going great and business remains steady. Overall, I am happy. I have some up and down days.....

Mainly my down days are the frustration and disappointment with H. My feelings towards him remain to be an anger at him that he put us so far beyond broken that I just don't see a way to come out together. And I am ok with that....in fact...not to sound superior or better than him, but I truly feel he does not deserve me or my kindness. Ouch, right?

We continue to stay friends and spend time together. He came over for Thanksgiving, it was just the three of us. I cooked up a spread, which I love to do. He showed up 10 minutes after I said food would be ready, empty handed....real classy. We did have a good night.

He has come over several times, accepting invitations to come try out a new recipe as I have been a cooking nut. We get along well, so it's been enjoyable....but empty. All conversations are about H. He NEVER asks how I am. Spending all this time with H has been good in that I truly am able to see he is still a shell of who he used to be. This is real, he is no longer the man I knew, fell for or married. He is courteous and friendly, but like how he would be with a stranger. There is just nothing there, for me either...

We have had a few disagreements and I have been very upfront and honest with him. One recent one was my Son's best friends mom marrying her partner. H was all in to go to the wedding with S and I, even gave me money for 1/2 the gift. 3 days before, he tells me his concerns about S going to a gay wedding, his explanation being that he worried S would think that was what marriage is about. I got really upset, these are good friends who love our S like their own. I told H that and assured him OUR marriage is the example S will remember! H started in with this is why he can't talk to me, I get too mad. I reminded him that he married an Italian firecracker and to stop taking my passionate expressions so darn personal. I ended up going by myself and it was beautiful.

Friends always ask about how H is, and some have confided how hurt they are that he just dropped them. This last week H had a big blowout with his closest friend, who he works with. He told me friend told him he no longer knows who he is anymore, that he has become so mean. Boy was it hard to STFU on that one.

The latest blowup was when S told me, when it was time to go to his dad's, that he was not going because daddy was making him go to the shooting range. H loves guns and shooting targets and has tried several times to get S interested. I asked H about it and let him know S was not comfortable going. Well, that started a whole spew of how I don't care how H feels, how S needs to be forced to try things....I agreed with him about trying new things, but when it comes to guns, people have a right to their own comfort zone, and if being around people shooting off guns makes S uncomfortable, as it does me, he should not be forced! H started pushing buttons, how I run my house, my parenting, and I just lost it. I told him he has become a complete a hole and left.

The texting spews started, he typed out a long explanation that he directed at me, and complaints of how much S spends on the computer, but actually explained him and his behavior to a tee. I couldn't have written it better and I let him know I am amazed at how he can't see that he just described himself perfectly. I told him I do my best, that I spend a lot of time taking care of a house I was left to take care of alone, that S and I are both doing quite well in spite of the fact self absorbed H blew up our family and home because he wasn't getting enough attention. I also pointed out that he is the one texting instead of talking face to face, and losing friends left and right, and that he is the one with the social issues, not our S.

By the way! On a very exciting side note, S was just recognized for getting a PERFECT score in math on the state wide testing assessment. He continues to be a straight A student and continues to be close with his buddies.

So anyway, H followed up by saying that he has been thinking a lot about S, and me, and what he should do, what would be best for all of us, and using the time we have been spending together to help him with this, but I make it so difficult when I act like this.

Now, this is where I know I have reached a whole new level in this. I can actually, clearly see that H thinks this ball is still in his court, that he still has me on some string that he can control, that he still has the power to quiet me down to be a non expressive puppet because disagreeing or showing emotion is wrong.....well, I am no longer that woman. I know my worth, my strength.

It was truth dart time. I replied that I was trying to talk about the one topic, the shooting range, and that he made it into me not caring about what he thinks, as usual. I pointed out that during the difficult times we had, when he felt unloved, if he ever realised I wasn't quite myself, that maybe something bigger was going on, but instead, all he could think about was what he wasn't getting, instead of what he could be giving. I told him I have tried very hard to be his friend, although honestly he doesn't deserve my kindness, I have been patient and understanding, to let him back in my life that HE cut himself out of in one of the coldest and most uncaring ways I have ever been treated. I told him this experience has been a blessing in teaching me to be a better person and better friend, to appreciate things on a whole new level. But, I have realized I am not good at forgiveness.

I let him know I have lost so much respect for him, how he has treated me and our friends, his opinions...I asked do you really not understand a mother being uncomfortable with her 9 year old son being forced to be around guns when he doesn't want to?? I told him he is really good at pushing my buttons, and as much as I try to keep things about S only, the anger and resentments come back. No matter how he was raised, I told him he is an adult and old enough to do things different and better, as I am. I told him not to waste his time thinking about what to do, that this will remain about S only. I told him I keep hoping the H I know is somewhere in there, but I just don't see him anymore.

Whew!!! So there you have it. I cannot forgive H, I don't like who he has become, and I don't see change. He has not earned my friendship, my kindness, and it's taken me to get close to him to realize it, if that makes any sense. I am grateful I had that opportunity because I am able to see what an empty fake shell he is, and I needed to see that. Since Thanksgiving, I have felt myself pulling back and away from him. It's hard for me, I am a nurturing person, it's my nature, but I have reached a point of feeling....used....taken advantage of....way too good for this guy.....I know I put myself in that position...but I now am taking myself out of it.

Forgiveness....that is a big subject here and many discussions I have been a part of here. I suppose my stand is it is possible, if they truly show remorse and regret, which is nothing I have seen with my H. He seems to be considering if I am worthy of him still. HA!

All the advise, the comforts and encouragement from friends, telling me I am so above him, such a good person to be so nice to him, opening my home, cooking for him....I heard it all, but am just now feeling it. I feel I have outgrown him, to put it simply.

Sending good wishes and love to you all! Please stay true to yourselves. We all go through this in our own way, do what works for you, as a lesson to learn may be there.

Xxoo