It is a tough position--the crazy W does these things---and then we have to pick up the pieces and behave mature during the process--we did not ask for this .....
That is the tough part....
I do not due it well all the time... I try to remember that the road is wider than I think it is... so to speak, I just try to keep driving down the road. I could have done a few things better.... but in general I keep this old guy in my head... If I was 70 and looking back and talking to my son who has an issue with his wife, could I say, well your mother and I had a similar issue, and just tell it as a life story... things happen...and you take it on and move forward and good times outweigh the bad times.... enough to make it worth it.... Easier to say when it is not you. In the end --that is the trick--get the emotion out of the way and what would you do if it was not you.....
If you are not emotional--you could say--just do it and give it some time... she will come back and then you can see what the R is like..... Obviously if your W does something to far gone well then you may say, that is too much...
I certainly though an A was way too much..... before.... when I started reading and saw that this is common... then I tried to be more patient.... still crazy to me... I cannot believe how common it is... how people get carried away and go down the rabbit hole...
I have plenty of other things to do with my life, I work out, go to work and focus on kids and family and there is no time left..... But my W had time because she was a stay at home mom.... so time to talk to people on FB etc..... she was bored. So I try to understand.....I work hard for her and kids.... and she is bored.
But it is what it is....now.....
I hope some of this is helpful
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
