Focus on Me and the Boys 10

[DonH]

I know I've brought things like this up in the past and so have many others but I just really don't get it and wonder if you even realize the contradictions in your thinking. You just wrote, "She is toxic to me and potentially to the boys. I do not want to judge her R with the boys, no longer my place unless it is harmful to them." So you believe she is harmful and toxic to the boys with the 20% or so of the time she sees them - which by the way I'm betting most here agree with you in that - so you want to move them closer to her where she might be harmful and toxic to them 50% of the time? What possible sense does this make? Honestly, help me to understand this. Then you say it's only your place to get involved if she is harmful to them. Again, I'm betting most here agree, but also once again, why would you not only do what you can to protect them but most certainly not facilitate and make it easier for her to abuse them that much more? It's almost like delivering them to the abuse.

Again it just makes no sense so perhaps you can help me and others understand.

[J5K]

DonH,

That did not come out correctly. My R with her is toxic. I cannot say whether she is toxic to the boys.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Today S8 said he cried at school because a boy was teasing him and for some reason he thought of mom and missed her and started crying. I told him that was normal since he just saw her this past weekend and that things will be ok.

This is what I mean about how you MIGHT be better off living far away from her in the long run. She may have been a really great mom when she and you adopted these children; but, that woman does not exist anymore (until and unless she ceases and repents of her sins). Every time your boys spend time with her and then come back to your relative stability --- they act out. As it stands now, that's only happening now and then when she and you can manage it. But when you move there ~~ her toxicity, selfishness and entitlement will plague them (actually --mostly you) several times every week.


As far as meds and the FOC stating the doctor will decide, that's really code for you ALONE (as truly their only remaining responsible parent) getting to decide whether to medicate them or not, based upon YOUR consultation with the doctors and having such decision be controlling no matter what objections your ex-wife tries to make. The FOC person has given you it's blessing to take your kids to the doctor and do whatever you feel is best - without having to consider your wife's feelings, objections, involvement or try to get her permission or consent. I don't think the FOC person was really saying you had to do whatever the doctor said, but rather, telling you - YOU can choose to do whatever the doctor says and don't have to get your uncaring and non-cooperative ex-wifes' permission.

Still think you should delay the move awhile. Develop a new normal of being a single dad that has primary care and custody of the boys for awhile and have everyone adjust to that BEFORE bringing toxic abandoning mom back into the picture 50/50, only to figure out it's not that great and you need to move back "home" to Michigan 2 years from now.

What if what's best for the boys is having mom far away?

What about the rest of your life?? You matter also and is your life (absent ex-wife) likely to include dating and moving on in Toronto?? What about your extended family? You, as the sole remaining healthy parent, need to be happy and healthy too. I know it seems almost impossible to accomplish that in Michigan and, maybe, having your every other weekends free consistently in Toronto might help but what woman is going to date a man with 5 boys, a crazy local ex-wife, and who might be moving back to Michigan in 2 years (not that I think dating is a great thing to be doing for a couple of years -- just trying to talk out YOUR health and happiness).

Final thought - despite what your lawyer said about moving to Toronto, be very careful. Don't give up overnights and lean too heavily on your ex-wife and her family for help. They will (or should be) documenting everything you do relative to those boys in order to use it against you someday in court. The plan going in that it's a temporary move (which is smart, I believe, to give YOU the primary parent the option to get back "home" to Michigan), may very well also motivate them to consult with an attorney or two themselves to see if they can somehow "steal" back custody from you should you try to leave. That's the question you need to ask the Canadian attorney. How, should your ex-wife want to challenge custody in Canada before you move back, could she go about accomplishing that? What arguments, facts and/or lies could she attempt to present to establish a viable case? Your ex-wife may not do that at all. Documenting a custody case is hard work and entitled way wards don't often have the ability to pursue claims that take lots of evidence so it's just easier to demand it and make things up. What you most likely need to do is document the crap out of your defense to her potential bogus claims up front and stick to the custody order you currently are working with to the letter (and document that to). Keep an online or handwritten calendar journal of all visitation and overnight. Money spent should ALL be documented - never hand her cash or she'll deny it. Take pictures and update your face book with happy life experiences with you and the boys all the time (Facebook is great proof of well adjusted happy family). I'd even recommend having hidden camera's in public areas of your home such that any real accidents that are bound to happen with 5 boys doesn't get blown up into investigations of abuse or neglect. Camera's and internet backup recordings are so cheap now and as a single parent, sometimes you need an extra set of eyes on your children as they become teenagers. They might not document or catch everything but they might certainly provide you with another defense tool should things ever blow up. Even just a motion camera at your front door keeping track of and recording everyone coming and going might help.

[J5K]

The second half of the week has been a rollercoaster, now I think I am the one creating it.

US L and Ontario L and I had a conference call this past Wednesday. The two Ls spoke Tuesday afternoon. Ontario L said that their is risk even if XW signs off on the move that XW could file a motion in Ontario since she is not working yet and we could possibly continue the custody battle in Ontario and put the boys through more turmoil. This could happen the first day I move there.

Ontario L said the longer I stay in Michigan the less chance that XW could take more than 50% based on her behavior over the past year.

I am glad I did my due diligence. Based off of this I cannot risk moving. Although there is a twist to this after the boys go see the child psychologist.

I send XW an email after the conversation stating that I set up therapy for S6 Thursday and S7 Friday.

Her response back was "thank you and you could have given me more notice so I can speak with the therapist before the boys go". I did not respond.

Thursday S4 turned 5. We had pizza and cake. XW and I set a time of 6:30pm for a call with the boys. When boys were done eating it was 6:12. I text XW asking if she wanted to video chat and sing happy birthday with us as we were getting ready to blow out the candles and sing happy birthday. She responds back with "can't talk right now". I did not mention any of this to the boys. We sing happy birthday and I serve some cake and ice cream to the boys. 6:25 she texts back she is free and so I call her and she talks to the boys for a few minutes starting with S5.

I sent XW a picture of the cake as the boys were eating pizza and she send a response back saying the cake was cute. Then she send another text saying looks big. I sent a response of it was the smallest I could find with S5's favorite colors. I left it at that.

If it were me on the other end I would have wanted to video chat and see the smile on my S5's face as he blew out the candles. That is me though.

The sessions for the boys went well. Psychologist stated the S6 and S7 are sweet and articulate. Psychologist was very happy with how the first sessions went.

Friday afternoon XW, psychologist and I had a conference call, I had to go back to the psychologist for the second time that day. We received some feedback about the boys. We gave the psychologist background of the boys history.

At the beginning of our session with the psychologist, she asked one questions that we agreed we would answer last. Psychologist asked if there is any way we could co-parent in the same city. At the end of the session I started and stated yes, and that I offered 50/50 custody to XW and that I had a transfer in place that I have not cancelled but XW will not agree. Psychologist was glad to hear that. She then asked XW if there was any way that she could move back to Michigan and XW brought up the excuse of no support, family is in Toronto.

XW then started to get on her soapbox and went back to her position of the boys are young and need to be with their mom and 50/50 would not work because there is traffic and there is no good way to schedule co-parenting in the same city...blah blah blah.

I get on my soapbox about the D and that best interest of the boys is to have two parents under the same roof.

The poor psychologist is trying to mediate all this so it does not escalate into pure chaos. She stated this is typical and understands that XW and I are both angry and mad. Psychologist is trying to look out for the best interest of the boys and says the boys would thrive more if we lived in the same city.

XW states 50/50 will not work, custody either needs to stay the same or get flipped so she has them most of the time.

The custody conversation goes 30 minutes over the session time and we end the call with XW.

I offer up a conference call to the psychologist with both my Ls so she can understand the risk. We will discuss on Monday.

I could see the facial expressions of the psychologist as XW was explaining her position as a SAHM and XW's reaction to not accepting 50/50. Psychologist seemed very surprised.

XW calls me later in the evening and states that custody needs to be 2/3rds 1/3rd either way and 50/50 will not work (because this will put a lot more financial burden on XW). I said I understand but I do not trust that if we kept custody the same that it would not change once I moved up there. XW starts to spew the same about the boys behavior degrading and lack of performance in school. Then she starts to berate me again and I start to push back. I could not talk to her anymore and just hung up.

It may be perceived that I am being stubborn about the move and trying to force it, I am glad I am doing my due diligence. I need to finalize my choice early next week so I can get some normal back in the boys lives.

Georgia Bulldogs, I appreciate the feedback again. I will respond later. I have posted enough for one morning. Time to make breakfast for the boys! Hope everyone has a great Saturday.

[PsySara]

Your XW is completely rigid and not willing to budge at all, even if it means better health for your sons. MY WH is a seflish, egotistical marcassist but even he would jump on the chance to 50/50 parent if we divorced. Heck, he was discussing filing for divorce while he was moving down here. (he left a more lucrative job to move down here with the thought that our marriage was dead so he could be near the kids)

What I am saying is your x-wife cares about herself first and those boys last. I don't think it would be in their best interest to uproot, move to another country to live near someone who loves her ego more than her sons.

[PsySara]

Jim,
Be a lighthouse. Lighthouses stay steady and stable, they don't chase the wrecked ship trying to stabilize them.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Why do you keep negotiating with a terrorist?

Your attorney's have basically said that once you go there you are risking her filing a motion and messing with custody. It's only a matter of time before she actually gets a little rational and talks honestly with her own attorney who will absolutely tell her to agree to anything, just get you move there and THEN he or she will be sure to take you on then.

There is no way you can get her to waive her right to file a future motion in Ontario. Where there is a will, there is a way for a well-paid attorney to find a foothold upon which to state an adequate enough claim to force you back to the bargaining table. It doesn't have to be a winning argument. It doesn't have to be true (though it's supposed to be).

You've done a marvelous job demonstrating you are the safest most concern and cooperative "co-parent" and despite the counselors want to have the two of you in the same city - it's impossible despite your willingness.

Stay in Michigan. Normalize the situation and solidify your position as PRIMARY parent such that someday, in a year or more, she'll be begging you to move there and willing to agree to anything (which you shouldn't offer 50-50, but just 1/3, at most).

It won't be as risky in a year either. Sure she could bring a motion then too -- but after a year plus of consistent parenting pretty much solely by you, she won't have much of a leg to stand on.

I KNOW taking care of 5 boys alone wasn't what you signed up for when you and she adopted those boys years ago, but God won't give you more than you can handle. Focus your energies on getting help from family and friends and approach this situation as though your ex-wife has died (because she's really as good as dead to you and those boys right now).

[J5K]

I cannot take this anymore. XW is in California and went to a rap concert with who knows who. She keeps updating her internet instant messaging profile picture.

I just want to scream and tell her how awful she is. Where is she getting any money to do all of this stuff?

So frustrated!

[mvgfwd2]

Stop checking up on her. Let her go. Unfriend her from all social media. Move forward.

[AndrewP]

Where is she getting any money to do all of this stuff?

Jim - Get a fresh credit report. It's a stretch of the procedures but you could perhaps also get one on her to see what sort of hole is being dug. Just a suggestion ....