Lost in the MLC Desert

[d_Rose]

Current struggles: Establishing healthy boundaries for myself to prevent more emotional pain. This has been something I have struggled with since BD. My H wants to be "close." He almost always comes in the house for 20-30 minutes when picking up S15. Came to hang up Christmas lights outside 2 weeks ago. Spent the entire day with S15 and myself on S15's birthday. And while I enjoy the time he is here, I am left sad, empty and worse off when he leaves. Knowing no matter how much time he spends with us, he is still choosing everyday to go home to OW. I am trying to find the balance between staying close enough that he see's the life he is giving up, but far enough to not let myself go down the rabbit hole every time. If I am going to Stand and maybe live this way for a year or two, I need to be able to come to an emotional equilibrium that I can sustain. That is hard to do with so much interaction with H.

He has said he does not know what he wants. That he needs time to figure it out. That he feels lost and ungrounded. Stated "I love You" (all of this on our anniversary). So, he has not closed the door to our marriage completely at this time. He has never asked for a divorce, and I do not bring it up. We reference it as what happens with "our situation." But am I making it too easy for him to have both? He gets any support he wants from me, and his mistress? Where do I draw the line?

It is in my nature to be supportive and loving, I rarely get angry. So it is normal for me to be accommodating. And DB says to be friendly and supportive? But this is definitely more of the same for me. Should I be doing a 180?

We still are totally intertwined in finances (he is primary earner), joint family email (but we each also have private), share apple ID, same cell phone plan, etc. He willingly helped to pick out new furniture for the house after he took the old stuff for his apartment. I did ask him to get a private checking account that I transfer money to each month - the pain of seeing dinner charges, tickets to shows, etc. was just too much to handle. He has been fairly respectful of that, although there are occasional slip ups that make it onto our joint account. I usually just STFU and do not mention them. Not worth the conflict. I do all the finances for the family, so at least I am aware of what we are spending.

Thoughts? Advice? Anyone else have a clingy but distant wayward spouse who wants to have both worlds on his own terms and thinks it is completely normal? He does not recognize the bizzaro-world he has created.....