Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

What are the ages of you and your partner? You referred to the children, what are their ages?

Thanks for the reply, Sandi. I am 46, she is 34. We have a daughter, 4 and a son 16 (my step son in reality, but he's my son)

I hope you won't see me copying a post I sent to another member as arrogance on my part. The subject is mostly about boundaries and consequences vs control and punishment.

Two cards the WW plays the most are the "guilt card" and the "control card". She will try to make the LBH feel guilty as a way to manipulate him. If he sets a boundary, she screams that he's controlling. LBS need not to explain where he stands or expound on what he said (as many LBH's have a tendency to do). The WW is using these cards to manipulate and get her way. The H needs to ignore these accusations.

That seems to be what is happening. Then she is softening her approach again. This morning she is being nice. But she has just taken her conversation to Google Hangouts instead of Skype...

I feel there may some who do not fully understand boundaries in a M. I can see how it could be misinterpreted as trying to control the other spouse. First of all, control is all about your spouse, and what she does, what she feels, etc. Control is keeping track of where she is every hour, who she talked to.......on & on. If she does not do it your way, then you punish her by giving the silent treatment, yelling at her or whatever. Control comes from fear; co-dependency; anger; inferiority; ...........on & on.

Thanks. That is why I am struggling. I don't really hold any cards in handing out that sort of punishment and don't want to anyway. Yelling at each other and having an atmosphere isn't good for us or the kids.

Boundaries are all about you. Boundaries are your limits. They are set in place by you...to protect you.....emotionally, mentally, & physically. Boundaries come from self-respect; dignity; freedom; values; integrity; & protection. They are not used to control or punish the your W for not choosing to do things your way.

Since honoring your boundary requires respect from the WW.........simply stating your boundary, may not be effective. Whatever your WW is doing that is hurting you, the benefits she receives for violating your boundary may outweigh respecting your boundary. (WW's are very resistant to the H's boundaries). So at this point, you need to enforce consequences. I did a little homework on the subject, so the list below reflects what I read.

It appears I have no way of enforcing my boundary - which is that she does not communicate with the EAP while in the house, especially while I or the kids are there. Unless I cut off the internet entirely, which hurts the kids as well - that would seem punitive. As ForGump said, even if I enforce the consequence, because of the shared money and budget, does it really make sense as she can still use her phone, put in another internet line, etc. It is just making her responsible for those particular bills and while she has happy for me to handle those sorts of things, she is more than capable if she has to.

A consequence is an effect, or result, of an action from you. You need to establish an appropriate consequence for your WW's disrespect, so that she will experience some type of discomfort due to her total negligence/irresponsibility and disrespect of your boundary. Otherwise, your boundary will not be effective. A consequence needs to have some very important characteristics:

1. Boundaries and consequences are not about fixing your spouse, or making her choose better. They are about allowing appropriate cause and effect so that she will experience the pain of irresponsibility, and then change.
2. Be deliberate and not impulsive........or set in anger. Think it through, and maybe post on the board to get other view points of what an appropriate effect might be. It is not about getting even. It is about getting out of enabling the wayward spouse, and about protecting yourself from her wayward behavior.
3. Make sure this is something you can and will do. You need to make sure you have the power and resources to set the limit. Don't make threats.
4. Remember your spouse has freedom of choice. Don’t set a consequence by saying, “You have to,” “You must,” or, “I will make you. . . .” Consequences are not something you do to control your spouse. They are reactions to her choices. Let her make her choices, but prepare your reactions.
5. The consequence should be immediate as possible. Just as kids need quick consequences, so does your WW. (Not that she's a child.....it's just an example). She can make the association between her action and the results if they are close together in time.
6. You want reality to be your WW's instructor, as much as possible. For example, a WW who becomes enraged should have her H and children leave her presence, right then, for a while. No one wants to be around her when she's having tantrums. This is preferable to an unrelated consequence, such as leaving her alone to watch the kids an extra evening while you go out to GAL.
7. Stay away from humiliating or punitive consequences such as making fun of her or making sarcastic remarks.
8. Consequences don’t have to be forever. As your WW takes responsibility and repents, you can change the consequences. However, be sure that change has truly occurred over some period of time. Just saying “I’m sorry” is not enough to let go of consequences. The other side of this, however, is that you may have to escalate the severity of the consequence if your WW behaves worse.
9. Boundaries are not ultimatums.

Does this help to understand boundaries a bit more? I hope you won't hesitate in asking questions.

It helps, but in this particularly sitch, I am struggling to find a consequence to fit the boundary that I have. As you suggest above, I will think and deliberate, and maybe get some feedback.





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