That's me in the spotlight

[Altair]

Coly! I apologize, I did not see your response. I believe that is what it was! how fun.

Journaling.
Well still NC from H. My IC kind of furrows her brow and asks about now what am I thinking about for my future. I get it, most people who knew I had an H in my life now have stopped asking. It seems we've all written him off to be gone. It's hard, but through this site, I see how to move forward and work on myself. ( I cry as I write this)
Yikes the lump in my throat.
looking back. I've had so much time to read emails, texts, talk to people, the final portrayal of our life together at BD simply cannot be true. It might be H reality from now on but no, it was a special, loving time. I have read up so much on depression and I see that as an insidious factor; I can look back and see where it crawled in, and manifested itself in many ways.
One of the last times we saw each other he mentioned depression, how it drummed through his head, he felt no pleasure doing anything, a voice in his head he could not quell told him he amounted to nothing.
So, I carry on, alone, rebuild. Part of me still thinks its all an excuse, a ruse to get out of the relationship, but that part wanes. Now, I see a depressed person who runs away from his problems.
I am blessed though! The Universe or what deity have you has placed me in a new work group, I have been showered with holiday party invitations. I am going tomorrow to a housewarming. Sunday I have a friend date at a gallery. I cleaned my house as A.P. wisely prescribed, including all of the laundry. I think I have enough work/events to get me through this holiday season. I love the holidays. I love cooking, etc. One thing I think about is the people on this site who were married for 20 years give or take and are suffering. It is true, my suffering cannot possibly compare. H and I were friends for two years before I said yes to a date. I now wonder if I should have. Maybe kept a friend and not been in this boat. I don't know. I will put on my party dress and hit the town tomorrow. I will survive.