Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[ForGump]

You & your girlfriend are biological parents to a girl about 5 years old. Right?

You work 14 hours a day while your girlfriend stays home with your girl, and does some part time work for your business. Right?

Do you live in state where your relationship is or may be recognized as a common law marriage? (Search the web for info).

Assuming you are not in a common law marriage, and therefore she has no direct claim on your money, you could decide that you don't want to materially support any part of her affair.

But I think this is where Sandi2's point is important. Cutting off the money might be the easiest action to take -- and it may well end up being the right action -- but you have to start with the idea of protecting your feelings and dignity, as opposed to trying to control your girlfriends behavior. I think there is a subtle but important difference.

I don't see an easy answer, when you have lives that are entangled, and explicit and implicit agreement exists to run a household together.

Cutting off payment for one mode of communication (say, the Internet) while paying for her phone -- that feels punitive and controlling to me. If you stop paying for her phone but then you share money to pay for groceries, then what prevents her from just paying for the phone out of those funds? If so, then your actions just become a petty game.

I'm not sure what the right thing is, but I think you have to back up a little and look at the big picture. You and she have settled into an agreement that you work outside the home and bring in money, and she mostly stays home and takes care of your daughter, and that makes sense for a couple who love each other. But she is not saying, through her affair, that she no longer wants to be your lover/partner. She's crossed the boundary of that mutually understood relationship by having this affair. What should you do to protect your feelings and dignity?