Good Evening All - I am new to posting, but like many others, have been lurking, reading, and learning through my tears for several months. I feel like I know many of you already, so thank you for sharing your souls so that others like myself can benefit. Today I am finally ready to post my story.
I am about 5 months post Bomb Drop. My husband and I have been married 26 years today. Maybe that is what has driven me to finally post. Happy Anniversary. The pain is still unbearable at times, but I have made progress in the last 5 months. The rest of the world is probably tired of listening to me, wanting me to just move on, not wanting me to put up with this crap any longer. But you all understand the struggle. 26 years is a long history full of love, family, shared experiences, and dreams for the future. That is hard to let go. For now, I am willing to give him time and space to figure it out.
By all accounts (his and mine) we had a good marriage. Seldom fought, were a great team raising our kids, laughed a lot. My husband was in the military for 25 years, so we moved every 2-3 years. Our family was the center of our world, as we were not in any single community long enough to really put down roots. But we were both avoiders of emotional conflict for sure. Great communicators about everything BUT our marriage. And after 26 years, probably co-dependent as well. I could not envision a life without him, without "us." Being a good wife and mother was my identity. Although I do work outside the home, my family was always the top priority. Honestly, I took the marriage for granted; it did not even cross my mind until just before bomb drop that he could be unhappy or have an affair.
So, like many here I was blindsided. Of course now looking back I see it. The distancing. The picking of small fights the last several months. The increased focus on his appearance, clothes, workouts. He has always been very fit and attractive, but definitely an increased emphasis on it. He had just retired from the military in 2014, started 3 companies, and we moved to our "dream" retirement house in a new state. I chalked up his change in behavior to being stressed. Even he admitted he was depressed, couldn't sleep. So I tried to support him even more, be an even better wife, etc. thinking I was helping him. I had no idea in his mind I was the problem....
Bomb drop came one evening after I was pushing him to see his PCP about his depression. He had cut himself the week before (not suicidal attempt, but self harming). He blurted out that our relationship was "all jacked up" and was not fixable. From then the MLC script started. " I love you, but we have no passion. We are best friends, but I need more. Can't we live next door to each other and be best friends while I get what I need?" Blah, blah, blah.... A week later I discovered the PA. He was very honest and did not deny it once confronted. It seemed he was relieved.
He was leaving the next day for a week long trip with his father, so off he went. As we talked the next few days by phone and email, he stated he would not give up the OW. So... I asked him to find somewhere else to stay when he returned. We went from (in my eyes) happily married, to discovering affair, to being separated in about a 2 week period. I did all the wrong things - crying, begging, writing long letters with my feelings, presenting logical arguments how this did not correlate to the man I have known and his values, etc. He was very apologetic at first, stating he knew how selfish it was, how guilty he felt, but that lessened over time. As we talked through things, there was so much anger directed at me and our relationship, and definitely some rewriting of marital history.
He is not a spewing kind of MLCer, just adamant our marriage can't be fixed and not willing to try. I'm sure it is easier to rationalize his actions if he thinks this is true. He will move to anger if challenged about his current actions/choices, but if not, he is pleasant. He is kind to me most of the time, but distant. He cylcles between being distant with our 15 year old, not taking him to stay with him on his weekend, and then will be very attentive for a few weeks, picking up from sports practices, etc. His communication with me is similar. We text, email, or speak almost everyday. He came over last weekend to hang the outside Christmas lights, 2 weeks ago we spent the day together with my son for his birthday. He never comes just to see me, but almost always comes into the house to check in and say hi when picking up S15.
Us: Started dating our senior year of college. Both joined the military due to being on ROTC scholarships. I got out of military once S24 was born, he stayed in. Married at age 23, first child at age 25. Really, our relationship is what we have known almost all of our adult lives. We both always stated we were committed to staying in marriage for life - that we would work through anything that came up, to include affairs, etc. His parents stayed married until his mother's death, although she was mentally ill and it was more of a care-taking type marriage. My parents divorced when I was young, but I had a good, stable childhood with mom and step father who are still married. We both have1 sibling each, neither of who function well and suffer from mental illness. We knew eventually we would be the caretakers of the both sets of parents as well as our siblings. That was one of the things I always admired the most about him - his commitment to family.
Him: Very educated with PhD in engineering, but emotionally not very open. Had a very traumatic childhood. Mother and brother both mentally ill. Mom died in 2011 (Looking back probably the starting point of the MLC). He retired from the military in 2014, and we moved to new state to start 3 businesses (long story.) Currently has his own apartment, however it is right next to the OW's apartment. He only got his own vs. living with OW at my and our IC's urging so S15 could visit him and not have to stay with OW this early on. States he does not know what he wants. Really "loves" this OW (she left her husband for my H), but also values what we have and the life we shared. Still wears his ring. He would not go to marriage counseling with me, but did agree to go to IC by himself. Went 3 times then never returned. The 2 main things he stated he was unhappy with in the marriage were that I got fat (I did gain about 40 pounds from my college weight and was also unhappy about my weight.) and there was not enough sex/passion. This is coming from such a kind, compassionate, caring man previously, He picked the two most shallow reasons, but both with a bit of truth for sure. I guess that speaks well to the rest of marriage if that was all he could find, hahaha.
Me: I was mostly a stay at home mom raising our kids, but also have my nursing license. I always worked part time while kids were young, however has been full time over the last 5-7 years as the kids got older. In April 2016 I gave up my full time position in nursing to work for 2 of our companies. I work remotely from home most of the time, but do have almost daily email exchanges with H about the business. I am stuck living in our "dream" home we bought for retirement by myself with a list of projects we were going to do together. Tyring to be a great mom to my S15 despite no 15 year old boy wanting anyone to mother them. Trying to not tell my D19 and S24 too many of the gory details, but they do know he had an affair and is still seeing OW. I am trying to GAL - joined a small group at Church, trying to meet some new friends, joined a pickle-ball group and a hiking group. Lost 35 pound on the LBS diet, workout 3-4 times/week. I am finally starting to feel a little healthier and the weight loss has stopped (that's a good thing!). I have been going to IC, but think it is time to find a new counselor. Started on anti-antidepressant back in July as well. Trying to cover all my bases!
Kids: S15 says he is hunky dory. States he is fine, won't go to counseling. He is emotionally pretty closed like his dad. Him and H are very close, I know he misses seeing him on a daily basis. I try to encourage as much contact as possible, even if it is only Disneyland Dad that shows up. S15 needs that contact. D19 is mad as he%% and will not speak to H. She is protective of me, is appalled at his behavior and going against all the morals and commitment he taught her to live by. She wants to be treated like an adult and told everything going on, but still wants H to pursue her like a child and give her that unconditional love. She alternates between spewing mean texts and just ignoring him. I try to say all the right things and assure her that he is leaving me, not her, he still loves her, he has been a great dad (he has), I want them to have a good relationship, etc. But she is old enough to see the truth of his actions that override whatever words I can say. S24 is silent. He lives on the other side of the country. I have spent time with him shortly after bomb drop (planned family beach vacation) and went to visit in September, but H has yet to call and speak with him or see him. My guess is S24 is waiting for H to contact him (and NOT by a trivial group text to whole family) to really talk with him and take responsibility. I'm not sure what S24's reaction will be when/if that happens. Again, I encourage them to pursue a relationship with him. He really has been a great father all these years.
Current DB Efforts: I do not initiate any contact. I wait for H to text/email/etc. first, and then try to respond briefly. Last relationship talk was in August. (didn't want to use "R" because not sure if that is for reconciliation -which we did NOT discuss!) At that time he wanted time to think and figure things out - but not time away from OW, haha, just from me. There was some anger still from him. He wanted to stay close, have contact with me, but stated he understood if it was too painful and I needed him to stay away. As stated above, I am GALing. Trying to be upbeat when he is around, not looking pathetic. The 35 pound weight loss has helped to keep me looking good when he pops by. My feeling is he may be cake-eating - maybe I am making it too easy for him to have it all: my friendship, co-parenting, growing our business together, while he still gets to have his mistress. But the courage to cut those ties eludes me. I am afraid I will push him closer to shutting the door completely on our life. The truth is I have been nice, supportive, and overly accommodating our entire marriage - a 180 for me would be to act like a b!tX@. I struggle with setting boundaries for sure.
So - I guess that's a good starting point for now. I am tired of typing, so I'm sure you are tired of reading! That gets the basic setting of the story out there. The details of the ongoing saga will have to wait.
I look forward to your support, 2x4's, comments, and friendship.
d_rose
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry you are here, but you'll find that the Forum has a lot of wonderful people posting and they'll be along to check out your thread and begin posting to you. I'm posting Cadet's Welcome Thread here for you to begin your homework.
Cadet's Welcome Thread:
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry that you are here, but you will get some great advice, suggestions and support here.
I'm going to paste in Cadet's Welcome Message because it has a lot of homework for you to read. But, first, to answer your question about the weight gain...yes, they can gain a lot of weight or lose it. They will look terrible for a time and may even be ill often...this is caused by the depression and in some cases, the weight gain is from drinking and/or eating a lot of fast food or junk food.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for sharing your story. First of all, thank you for your service and the sacrifices your family has made.
5 months post BD you are doing very well! There are others here who co-own businesses with a spouse in MLC. I think of 2Times2Many. So there may be posters here who can support you through that. Because MLCers make bad decisions, best to track bank accounts secretly and watch the business expenses. Maybe you already do this, but as you did not mention it, just want to make sure you know.
As for your kids, all kids handle this differently. With your daughter, obviously she has every right to be hurt by the hypocrisy. Have you recommended IC for her? At her age, I think it can help her process and learn life lasting coping skills. Not all kids want to go though. Even your silent kids could benefit from the offer.
Keep posting and taking care of you and your kids . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
d_Rose - you may get tired of hearing it, but your story is very familiar. Change a few details and it is very like mine.
Perhaps it's because of all the reading you've been doing or maybe it's just you, but you seem quite rational about the whole thing which is a major accomplishment in and of itself.
In my case my W also wanted "time and space to figure things out" - in the arms of OM. In some ways our "efforts" are similar too. Keep a stable home running, treat them with respect and courtesy and be honest and open.
I also know well the jealousy of the "life" they are leading. From the limited view I've had and from what I've read and from what truly insightful people like job have written, it's only a veneer over a very troubled individual. Still it hurts. The last time I was kissed was on the morning of April 18th 2016 but I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the man that I am. I am sure you can be proud of the woman looking back at you too.
So - welcome to the best place you never wanted to be. You are among friends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Job - I am honored to have you post on my thread. Homework has been in progress for months. I have read most of the links/threads referenced, but need to start on the books (but have read Divorce Remedy.) I am re-reading many of the threads as well, as I am better able to absorb them now that when it all first happened.
Westo- Thanks. I am not familiar with your sitch. I will try to read up on it over the weekend. Your registration date is pretty recent, so I am anxious to see where you are and how you are dealing with things.
HaWho - I hear your name mentioned often on people's threads, and have read some of your sitch. You seem to be a model for how to live with your MLCer and have a running batch of STFU smoothies in the blender. I am finding I need a touch of vodka in mine Thanks for the reference to the other poster who also runs a business with her MLCer. I will look her up. I think I remember something someone posted like that - her H lives far away and she runs the business - also some drama about H's brother in the business as well?
I have urged D19 to go to IC. She did go twice, but did not click with that particular therapist. I have given her a pre-screened list with several to choose from - now she has to call to make the appt. She has a history of depression, and could have benefited for years from going to IC, but always refused. It is tough when you are 14 or 15 to admit you have a problem. But as she has gotten older, she is more willing to seek help and learn coping skills. With me being a nurse, and mental illness in our family, we are VERY open about depression, treatments, and getting help to have a good quality of life. No stigma here for sure. I think she is more open now as she has an excuse.... "I need help dealing with what Dad has done." That is much easier on the self image that saying - "I need help, I have a problem." I'll keep you posted. She is just finishing her first semester in the honors college of our state university. To her credit, she has managed well and come out with great grades despite dealing with all of this. Her dad and her were VERY close, I know she misses the old dad.
Andrew: I feel like I know you, as I have read most of your threads. You have such a nice wit about you - love reading your posts. I'm not sure I can keep up intellectually, but can probably match you in sarcasm. It is an easy mask for me to hide behind.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Perhaps it's because of all the reading you've been doing or maybe it's just you, but you seem quite rational about the whole thing which is a major accomplishment in and of itself.
Don't let me fool you. I know all the things rationally that I write and sometimes even manage to believe and feel them for a few hours. But all too often I slip into the dark emotional place of sadness, grief, and hopelessness. As time goes by I am able to pull myself out of that quicker and quicker. It is one this to know, another to fully internalize the truth that this is all about them and we have no control. I will admit to not wanting to live and go through this pain at several points in the first couple of months. Not that I had plans to do anything, but the pain was so great, it would have been easier to just leave it behind. I am past that now, and can see most of the time that I can have a life and happiness without H if it comes to that. I would rather share it with him, but that is ultimately his choice right now.
I will try to post more throughout the weekend on our current contact pattern, etc. And I will try to read up on those of you I am not as familiar with.
Have a great Friday!
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Current struggles: Establishing healthy boundaries for myself to prevent more emotional pain. This has been something I have struggled with since BD. My H wants to be "close." He almost always comes in the house for 20-30 minutes when picking up S15. Came to hang up Christmas lights outside 2 weeks ago. Spent the entire day with S15 and myself on S15's birthday. And while I enjoy the time he is here, I am left sad, empty and worse off when he leaves. Knowing no matter how much time he spends with us, he is still choosing everyday to go home to OW. I am trying to find the balance between staying close enough that he see's the life he is giving up, but far enough to not let myself go down the rabbit hole every time. If I am going to Stand and maybe live this way for a year or two, I need to be able to come to an emotional equilibrium that I can sustain. That is hard to do with so much interaction with H.
He has said he does not know what he wants. That he needs time to figure it out. That he feels lost and ungrounded. Stated "I love You" (all of this on our anniversary). So, he has not closed the door to our marriage completely at this time. He has never asked for a divorce, and I do not bring it up. We reference it as what happens with "our situation." But am I making it too easy for him to have both? He gets any support he wants from me, and his mistress? Where do I draw the line?
It is in my nature to be supportive and loving, I rarely get angry. So it is normal for me to be accommodating. And DB says to be friendly and supportive? But this is definitely more of the same for me. Should I be doing a 180?
We still are totally intertwined in finances (he is primary earner), joint family email (but we each also have private), share apple ID, same cell phone plan, etc. He willingly helped to pick out new furniture for the house after he took the old stuff for his apartment. I did ask him to get a private checking account that I transfer money to each month - the pain of seeing dinner charges, tickets to shows, etc. was just too much to handle. He has been fairly respectful of that, although there are occasional slip ups that make it onto our joint account. I usually just STFU and do not mention them. Not worth the conflict. I do all the finances for the family, so at least I am aware of what we are spending.
Thoughts? Advice? Anyone else have a clingy but distant wayward spouse who wants to have both worlds on his own terms and thinks it is completely normal? He does not recognize the bizzaro-world he has created.....
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
I'm sorry that things are a bit crazy at home. You need to decide what boundaries that you want to make to help you keep grounded. If it means that you need to change up him coming in the house while waiting for your son, then do it. Your son is old enough to be ready by the time he comes and then walk himself outside. Your h doesn't need to come in each and every time he picks up son. Your home is now your safe space. Would you be able to do this at his place? I seriously doubt it.
As for him doing things around the home, you will need to decide what you and your son can do w/o his help. If your h offers to assist and you feel comfortable w/him doing things, then okay and be sure to say thank you.
What I see is a man who has made a choice not to live at home w/his family. He may be confused, but he knows exactly what he is doing and that it is his choice not to work on his relationship w/you at the moment. He's keeping his options open in case the ow situation doesn't work out and you are now considered Plan B.
He's not going to miss his home, you or his son if he continues to use the revolving door of his place and yours. I do think that he feels guilty for what he's doing and that could be why he's been doing some chores, but I would certainly think about setting some boundaries. How can he miss what he sees all of the time?
As for having discussions w/him about the relationship...no more. He's not going to work on the marriage as long as the ow is in the picture. His focus is on her and their time together. Start, in a nice way, curtailing some of those 20-30 minute visits in the home. You might even want to say, "h, how about calling ahead and letting son know what time you are planning to come by and he'll be ready to go when you get here and will meet you at the door so that he doesn't take up a lot of your time".
It's okay to be friendly and supportive, but that doesn't mean allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. Time to set some boundaries for YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Rose Welcome and I'm so very sorry you are here. I echo Ha Who in thanking you and your family for your service and your sacrifices.
Try this as an experiment: the next time h comes to get son be somewhere else. It does t matter if you're driving aimlessly just as long as you are not home for pick up or drop off. If asked just be vague in your answer as to your whereabouts. See what happens. Do you think you could do that? Xoxoxo hugs
Last edited by job; 12/10/1610:48 AM. Reason: corrected misspelled word
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Job and Bttrly for your responses. I agree with all. I need to develop the emotional courage to follow through and put them in place. I have told myself the same many times, as have my IC, friends etc. So what is stopping me? Fear. Irrational fear, but fear. I need to face the fact that it really can't get much worse that him leaving and living with OW. What do I have to lose by standing up for myself and setting boundaries. It goes back also to our pattern of avoiding emotional conflict. Keep hitting me with the 2x4's - I obviously have not internalized the lessons.
Bttrfly - your suggestion is right up my ally. I think it is because it allows me to avoid the direct conflict of setting the boundary. I have planned this a couple of times (on our anniversary I did not want to face him), but he showed up early on both occasions before I had a chance to evacuate. Time to try again.
I also wonder if maybe on Wednesdays, I can offer to just drop S15 off after school? H is always rushed to get home from work and get S15, figure out dinner, etc. I could certainly couch that as a benefit to H to just drop S15 off and save him a trip. I have never set foot in his apartment and can just drop in the parking lot.
Job,
Originally Posted By: job
As for him doing things around the home, you will need to decide what you and your son can do w/o his help. If your h offers to assist and you feel comfortable w/him doing things, then okay and be sure to say thank you.
I agree. This is one area I do very well in. I have not asked him for help with ANYTHING. My parents live close, and I have a couple friends that I can call if I need anything. I guess after so many years of moving and having him travel for work, deploy, etc. I became pretty self-reliant. He has offered to do the occasional chores each time, and I thank him profusely like I would my teenager. Ironic - to thank your H for doing 1/20th of what they should be doing. But I have listened to you all on that point!
Originally Posted By: job
He's not going to miss his home, you or his son if he continues to use the revolving door of his place and yours. I do think that he feels guilty for what he's doing and that could be why he's been doing some chores, but I would certainly think about setting some boundaries. How can he miss what he sees all of the time?
Agree. I need to follow through with this.
Originally Posted By: job
As for having discussions w/him about the relationship...no more. He's not going to work on the marriage as long as the ow is in the picture. His focus is on her and their time together.
I agree We had not had an R talk since August. A lot of anger surfaced on his part directed at our marriage and my questioning of his actions. It was painful enough for me that I did not want to repeat anytime soon. He offered those statements on our anniversary via text. That morning he called me (has only called me 3 times in almost 6 months), texted me good morning (has been weeks since he has done that), but was unable to utter the words Happy Anniversary. But I continually need to remind myself he is actively pursuing a life with OW. Like you said, he may be MLC and confused, but he is still making a choice and needs to live with the current consequences (thus boundaries from me!) I will try to do better.
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Thanks for the reference to the other poster who also runs a business with her MLCer. I will look her up. I think I remember something someone posted like that - her H lives far away and she runs the business - also some drama about H's brother in the business as well?