Yes, I am spinning. Although, less than yesterday. I was getting too dizzy and just had to force myself off the rollercoaster. Lol!
Stockdale Paradox - wow! Mind blown! It really spoke to me. A huge shout out to AndrewP! The article I read directly answered my question about relying on something that might not come to fruition in order to get me through the trauma. It's okay to do temporarily. Just to get me through a short time period. Enough time to learn to be still and detach. Enough time to learn to recenter my focus onto me.
Last night I sat in my room with the lights off thinking about me. Thinking about my vision board and what I would like to put on it. (Eventually getting a house of my own, starting to date again, joining some single moms groups, and start exercising again) After doing that, I came to a couple of realizations. One was that H was indeed projecting onto me his feelings.
He has repeated over and over that I (me) am comfortable with the situation as it is. Initially I protested these claims, but now I just tell him I'm sorry he feels that way. (I am definitely not "comfortable" with the situation as it is. How in the world can he think I am "comfortable" with him still pursuing OW while us living together under the same roof? I mean seriously, has he even stopped to think about this?) I could not understand what in the world he was talking about and why he refused to accept it when I told him that was not the case. He can't accept it because THOSE are HIS feelings. HE IS comfortable with the situation. He gets to pursue OW and have the benefits of living in the house, double income, son still living with him, etc. He's a cake eater!!!!
Then this morning as I sat drinking my coffee he asked me whether I was going to my therapist appointment this evening. Several minutes later he said there was a Holiday work event this evening and he would like to take our son, but only stay for 30 minutes since it would be close to his bedtime. He told me he really likes to go to these events to thank the employees. (I wanted to ask if OW would be there, but stopped myself.) Mind you, son is 16 months old and he has NEVER taken him alone anywhere outside a walk in our neighborhood. NEVER. Yes, NEVER. Not even to the store.
Initially, I told him that I would just cancel my appointment and he could go to the event. (I really did not want him taking my son to an event if OW would be there.) He replied that he knew these appointments were important to me (playing the good guy) and he didn't want me to cancel so he would just not go. Then he stormed off in a huff. I asked him why can't we talk about it. No response. Interesting.
After thinking about it, I thought I might as well just go to my appointment and let him do what he wants. He says he would like to thank the employees (interpreted by me as meaning it's important to him). Realistically, it is unlikely OW will be there because the event is for a segment of the business that she has nothing to do with. When I told him, he said he won't stay long and might not even go if our son seemed too tired.
Part of me feels like I am being tested or maybe even bamboozled. He is testing to see if I trust him; he is testing to see if I am willing to be flexible about something that he says is important to him.
On the other hand, I feel like he is using son as a prop. If it's so important to him to go, then why not leave son at home so you can stay the whole evening rather than for just 30 minutes? If you want to recognize and thank the employees for their hard work and valuable contributions, then stay the entire evening. It seems to me he only wants to go if he can take our son. Why is that? He's willing to forego the event if son is too tired. That's what I don't get and that's what makes me highly suspicious of his motives. I just don't trust him. Can ya tell?
