Thank you for your help. The last 24 hours have been a weird black time for me. Sandi2, your post in particular has uncovered how much I don't know about myself. I am ashamed of this and it was painful to admit. Waiting before I uncover her affair makes plenty of sense until I get a better handle on this. In the mean time she as been weirdly nice to me. Touching me throughout the day and cuddling in bed. This makes my emotional rollercoaster even more intense. I would swear she is messing with me on purpose if I didn't know better.
I am at the moment caught in a loop. I keep replaying the same problems in my head with no answers forthcoming. Daily life is good and our kids are happy and healthy. I don't want that to end. Her flirting with someone is infidelity and I do want that to end.
My current state of thinking is now this. I would let her know that I know. I would state plainly that it was an affair and that it was unacceptable to me. When she refused to stop I would make it clear that I know that I can't stop her from making this choice but that I will not help her with this in any way either. I would let her know that her quest for independence would need to start with her art business and that I could no longer help with it via money or effort. (I help her with aspects of her art making and I know that some of those efforts were for him and not for the business) I would let her know that physical love if off limits for both of us while this continues. I would let her know that I'm not seeking anyone else and that I am open to reconcile. I would tell her that this could not go on long term without divorce. I think that our kids would come to know in their subconscious that we have no love and it will still affect them no matter how good our deception was.
Then I would wait for a period of time (not sure how long yet depends on what I see from here) and if there was no change or it got worse then I would begin the divorce process.
not sure if a deadline is a good idea or not but I can't live this way long term. It hurts to much.
Initiating the divorce myself seems wrong because it is opposite what I want but perhaps it's just acceptance of reality and what might be unavoidable anyway. I really don't know. I don't feel like I have a right choice. They are all just shades of wrong.
