Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Hi all

New here, currently reading first chapter of DR, but in need of advice.

My partner of over 6years (we are not married, were planning on tying the knot, but these troubles started before we got round to it) is currently engaged in an EA with a man in another country.

She first made contact on social media, while looking for like minded people. We were having arguments at the time regarding fairly important issues (political/societal what effects they would have on the kids - I won't go into the details here).

She took this new friendship to Skype, it became inappropriate. She told me this and that she had stopped it. She then tried to talk to me later about how she was missing her friend, but I was unable to deal with it emotionally, so didn't explore further other than saying that it made ME unhappy that she had those feelings. I missed the signals to work on what was wrong.

In July I saw a social media message on her timeline from the EAP saying he had got her messages and loved and missed her too. I was then suspicious, so abot a month later, I checked her phone, and her skype was open, saying she loved the EAP.

I was furious. I message the EAP told him to leave my wife alone (we always describe each other as husband and wife). He had not known she was in a relationship. She then went back to him with a ridiculous story about how I was an ex still living with her due to the house.
She told me she had stopped it. A couple of weeks later I found out she was at it again.

I took to all the wrong things, paranoid, spying on her internet activity. At one point I told her it wasn't fair and I couldn't go on, and she arranged to delete her account and block his email. But then she accused me of forcing her to do it. Because it was a skype account, the deactivation didn't happen for 2 months, and as the time was getting close, she kept accusing me of controlling her - so I said she could do what she wanted and reactivate it at any time, I wasn't forcing her. So she did.

She immediately set up a new email account, which I discovered. We had a bust up.

I even emailed the EAP a couple of times, once to try and rationalise him into going away, once to prove that we were a couple and he was interloping, and the third time just to wind him up that we were still together (he is a single man, not much going for him, seems quire manipulative from the comms I have seen, but it could also just be that he is in limerance too. I really don't actually care about him, have realised it's time to stop seeing him as the enemy)

When this started I was already i a separate bedroom - my daughter kept getting up in the night, and as I get up at 5am for work, it was easier for me to be closer to her rather than getting totally disturbed. I moved back in a few weeks ago, but due to me not sleeping well, and trying to look at her phone in the night, we had another major argument which ended up in her buying another bed for the spare room, but then guilting me into moving out. My daughter is now back in the MBR with her.

Since then she's tried to end it, but not succeeded. She feels in love with him. She says she loves me. But she is not committed to ending it and fixing us. I believe she is in an addictive/limerance phase.

My spying and invading her privacy has made things worse. I have blocked the internet on occasions and this has led to arguments.

I have asked her not to message him when I am at home, but she refuses, because of the 5 hour time difference, that means she would only have a short window to communicate with him. I have asked her to take her comms outside the house out of respect, but she won't, saying it is her home too.

So last night, trying to apply boundaries, I blocked skype again. This has led to another argument this morning. She tells me she won't be infantilised, and that the R is over now due to me trying to control it. I told her that I wasn't preventing here doing anything, she could use her mobile phone signal to skype, she can get another internet line put in, but I couldn't passively or actively enable her infidelity.

She refuses to acknowledge this. She now says that since I have claimed the internet, as she puts it, she is claiming 'her bedroom'. I had been planning on moving back in, since my daughter is in there, and it's still me that has to deal with her in the night. I thought that she could leave to the new bed she bought, and go to the spare room seeing as she is not facing any consequences of her actions at the minute.

So, have I acted in a controlling manner by blocking skype, and making her actively seek out ways to communicate, or is that a boundary?

Immediate response is bad - R is over, worried about money, she will move out when she is ready and take her children with her.... OUR children. She is concerned because she doesn't work, other than being employed through mu company, I go out to work, and due to long commute am out 14 hours a day. I am self employed.

Help and advice needed. Very worried. But want to save this R and look myself in the mirror.

D