Lost in the MLC Desert

[d_Rose]

Good Evening All - I am new to posting, but like many others, have been lurking, reading, and learning through my tears for several months. I feel like I know many of you already, so thank you for sharing your souls so that others like myself can benefit. Today I am finally ready to post my story.

I am about 5 months post Bomb Drop. My husband and I have been married 26 years today. Maybe that is what has driven me to finally post. Happy Anniversary. The pain is still unbearable at times, but I have made progress in the last 5 months. The rest of the world is probably tired of listening to me, wanting me to just move on, not wanting me to put up with this crap any longer. But you all understand the struggle. 26 years is a long history full of love, family, shared experiences, and dreams for the future. That is hard to let go. For now, I am willing to give him time and space to figure it out.

By all accounts (his and mine) we had a good marriage. Seldom fought, were a great team raising our kids, laughed a lot. My husband was in the military for 25 years, so we moved every 2-3 years. Our family was the center of our world, as we were not in any single community long enough to really put down roots. But we were both avoiders of emotional conflict for sure. Great communicators about everything BUT our marriage. And after 26 years, probably co-dependent as well. I could not envision a life without him, without "us." Being a good wife and mother was my identity. Although I do work outside the home, my family was always the top priority. Honestly, I took the marriage for granted; it did not even cross my mind until just before bomb drop that he could be unhappy or have an affair.

So, like many here I was blindsided. Of course now looking back I see it. The distancing. The picking of small fights the last several months. The increased focus on his appearance, clothes, workouts. He has always been very fit and attractive, but definitely an increased emphasis on it. He had just retired from the military in 2014, started 3 companies, and we moved to our "dream" retirement house in a new state. I chalked up his change in behavior to being stressed. Even he admitted he was depressed, couldn't sleep. So I tried to support him even more, be an even better wife, etc. thinking I was helping him. I had no idea in his mind I was the problem....

Bomb drop came one evening after I was pushing him to see his PCP about his depression. He had cut himself the week before (not suicidal attempt, but self harming). He blurted out that our relationship was "all jacked up" and was not fixable. From then the MLC script started. " I love you, but we have no passion. We are best friends, but I need more. Can't we live next door to each other and be best friends while I get what I need?" Blah, blah, blah.... A week later I discovered the PA. He was very honest and did not deny it once confronted. It seemed he was relieved.

He was leaving the next day for a week long trip with his father, so off he went. As we talked the next few days by phone and email, he stated he would not give up the OW. So... I asked him to find somewhere else to stay when he returned. We went from (in my eyes) happily married, to discovering affair, to being separated in about a 2 week period. I did all the wrong things - crying, begging, writing long letters with my feelings, presenting logical arguments how this did not correlate to the man I have known and his values, etc. He was very apologetic at first, stating he knew how selfish it was, how guilty he felt, but that lessened over time. As we talked through things, there was so much anger directed at me and our relationship, and definitely some rewriting of marital history.

He is not a spewing kind of MLCer, just adamant our marriage can't be fixed and not willing to try. I'm sure it is easier to rationalize his actions if he thinks this is true. He will move to anger if challenged about his current actions/choices, but if not, he is pleasant. He is kind to me most of the time, but distant. He cylcles between being distant with our 15 year old, not taking him to stay with him on his weekend, and then will be very attentive for a few weeks, picking up from sports practices, etc. His communication with me is similar. We text, email, or speak almost everyday. He came over last weekend to hang the outside Christmas lights, 2 weeks ago we spent the day together with my son for his birthday. He never comes just to see me, but almost always comes into the house to check in and say hi when picking up S15.

Us: Started dating our senior year of college. Both joined the military due to being on ROTC scholarships. I got out of military once S24 was born, he stayed in. Married at age 23, first child at age 25. Really, our relationship is what we have known almost all of our adult lives. We both always stated we were committed to staying in marriage for life - that we would work through anything that came up, to include affairs, etc. His parents stayed married until his mother's death, although she was mentally ill and it was more of a care-taking type marriage. My parents divorced when I was young, but I had a good, stable childhood with mom and step father who are still married. We both have1 sibling each, neither of who function well and suffer from mental illness. We knew eventually we would be the caretakers of the both sets of parents as well as our siblings. That was one of the things I always admired the most about him - his commitment to family.

Him: Very educated with PhD in engineering, but emotionally not very open. Had a very traumatic childhood. Mother and brother both mentally ill. Mom died in 2011 (Looking back probably the starting point of the MLC). He retired from the military in 2014, and we moved to new state to start 3 businesses (long story.) Currently has his own apartment, however it is right next to the OW's apartment. He only got his own vs. living with OW at my and our IC's urging so S15 could visit him and not have to stay with OW this early on. States he does not know what he wants. Really "loves" this OW (she left her husband for my H), but also values what we have and the life we shared. Still wears his ring. He would not go to marriage counseling with me, but did agree to go to IC by himself. Went 3 times then never returned. The 2 main things he stated he was unhappy with in the marriage were that I got fat (I did gain about 40 pounds from my college weight and was also unhappy about my weight.) and there was not enough sex/passion. This is coming from such a kind, compassionate, caring man previously, He picked the two most shallow reasons, but both with a bit of truth for sure. I guess that speaks well to the rest of marriage if that was all he could find, hahaha.

Me: I was mostly a stay at home mom raising our kids, but also have my nursing license. I always worked part time while kids were young, however has been full time over the last 5-7 years as the kids got older. In April 2016 I gave up my full time position in nursing to work for 2 of our companies. I work remotely from home most of the time, but do have almost daily email exchanges with H about the business. I am stuck living in our "dream" home we bought for retirement by myself with a list of projects we were going to do together. Tyring to be a great mom to my S15 despite no 15 year old boy wanting anyone to mother them. Trying to not tell my D19 and S24 too many of the gory details, but they do know he had an affair and is still seeing OW. I am trying to GAL - joined a small group at Church, trying to meet some new friends, joined a pickle-ball group and a hiking group. Lost 35 pound on the LBS diet, workout 3-4 times/week. I am finally starting to feel a little healthier and the weight loss has stopped (that's a good thing!). I have been going to IC, but think it is time to find a new counselor. Started on anti-antidepressant back in July as well. Trying to cover all my bases!

Kids: S15 says he is hunky dory. States he is fine, won't go to counseling. He is emotionally pretty closed like his dad. Him and H are very close, I know he misses seeing him on a daily basis. I try to encourage as much contact as possible, even if it is only Disneyland Dad that shows up. S15 needs that contact. D19 is mad as he%% and will not speak to H. She is protective of me, is appalled at his behavior and going against all the morals and commitment he taught her to live by. She wants to be treated like an adult and told everything going on, but still wants H to pursue her like a child and give her that unconditional love. She alternates between spewing mean texts and just ignoring him. I try to say all the right things and assure her that he is leaving me, not her, he still loves her, he has been a great dad (he has), I want them to have a good relationship, etc. But she is old enough to see the truth of his actions that override whatever words I can say. S24 is silent. He lives on the other side of the country. I have spent time with him shortly after bomb drop (planned family beach vacation) and went to visit in September, but H has yet to call and speak with him or see him. My guess is S24 is waiting for H to contact him (and NOT by a trivial group text to whole family) to really talk with him and take responsibility. I'm not sure what S24's reaction will be when/if that happens. Again, I encourage them to pursue a relationship with him. He really has been a great father all these years.

Current DB Efforts: I do not initiate any contact. I wait for H to text/email/etc. first, and then try to respond briefly. Last relationship talk was in August. (didn't want to use "R" because not sure if that is for reconciliation -which we did NOT discuss!) At that time he wanted time to think and figure things out - but not time away from OW, haha, just from me. There was some anger still from him. He wanted to stay close, have contact with me, but stated he understood if it was too painful and I needed him to stay away. As stated above, I am GALing. Trying to be upbeat when he is around, not looking pathetic. The 35 pound weight loss has helped to keep me looking good when he pops by. My feeling is he may be cake-eating - maybe I am making it too easy for him to have it all: my friendship, co-parenting, growing our business together, while he still gets to have his mistress. But the courage to cut those ties eludes me. I am afraid I will push him closer to shutting the door completely on our life. The truth is I have been nice, supportive, and overly accommodating our entire marriage - a 180 for me would be to act like a b!tX@. I struggle with setting boundaries for sure.

So - I guess that's a good starting point for now. I am tired of typing, so I'm sure you are tired of reading! That gets the basic setting of the story out there. The details of the ongoing saga will have to wait.

I look forward to your support, 2x4's, comments, and friendship.

d_rose