Slowly losing my wife

[sandi2]

The things that have been holding me back from doing what I want and bringing it out in the open are.

-She will use my getting her pregnant as a battering ram to any argument. logic will not help here. I'm not sure how to respond. I am weak here because I do genuinely feel bad for what I did. I also realize that what I did does not make her flirting ok and that she started flirting before I hurt her.

Lex, confrontation is not meant to be a discussion about everything wrong in the MR. It is to tell her your position in this matter of her having an affair. You don't tell her how much you know, or how you know. Just that you know. Having affairs are not acceptable and you will not remain in an open marriage (if you really mean it). If you don't believe in open marriages, then stand on those beliefs. If she starts dragging other things up (and she will, if you give her a chance), tell her that nothing excuses an affair. Then leave the room, the house, or whatever. Do not argue about the pregnancy, etc. Stick to the issue of the affair. Don't call it by any other word, but affair.

-I'm not sure what line to draw. most of my thoughts here seem to extreme. I control all finance so I can make whatever I want happen. But, most of this seems just punitive and mean. I'm sure she is hurting and it might just push her harder to go away.

It is not about punishing her. You are not her daddy. It is about standing up for what you believe. If you don't know what your personal values and beliefs are.....then I suggest you think about it before you start opening your mouth.

-I'm not sure what to threaten

Don't threaten anything. If you don't know what you will do if she continues disrespecting the M, then you need to keep your mouth shut. It is not about you threatening anything. It's not about punishing her. If you are trying to control her behavior through threats and punishment, you will lose all the way around. It's not about you controlling her. It is about what you choose to tolerate, or not. If she doesn't end her EA, then the ball is in your park. That is what I want you to understand. Do not go into a confrontation that you don't even know what you're doing.

Personally, I think the girl should have had professional therapy a long time ago. I'm really surprised this is the first of any inappropriate conduct you have discovered, considering her past. I don't know much about her moral character or spiritual beliefs, but it sounds as if her parents were the best of examples, and/or did not spend much time in teaching some of the more important values to her.

If I had to do it today then I think if she refused to stop I could have her leave our bedroom.

That's just plain funny. The first time you wanted sex, the separate bedrooms plan would crash.

Another thing I am considering is that I could have her take over cleaning and cooking and washing the kids. Letting her know that if she wanted to be my roommate then she has to act like one.

Seriously? You think a roommate would clean, cook, and wash your kids? You should have made her job description understood when you were first M. But YOU were the one who didn't want her doing anything......so she probably doesn't even know how! Besides, why do you want her acting like your roommate? Don't you want her to act like your W? You can't use this to punish her for being bad! However, you can start to incorporate some of those duties......just not as punishment or b/c she is in an EA.

I will let her know that I can't accept 2nd best anymore and that I want to work on a real relationship together.

Think about that statement in a stronger, more self confident light. You won't accept 2nd best anymore.

Look, I think you have a lot to read and learn before you jump off into doing something you don't understand or prepared to do. Believe it or not, you could actually make things worse than they are right now. So many newcomers will make the wrong move, then come back asking for help in straightening up their mess. That's not a good situation. So, please continue to read the material available here. Do some real soul searching and know yourself and what you really would do if she refused to stop contact with the OM.