Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[Vanilla]

little Vanilla and FOO

Abuse resources Zelda and Vanilla plus

Flooding


As promised

V

[PsySara]

ForGump,
Haven't tried martial arts, I was thinking more along the lines of running or calisthenics? A way to get an endorphin/natural antidepressant flowing.

BluWave,
I am trying to find a way to harness my anger into a constructive outlet. Instead of letting it control me and flailing out, causing destruction; I ned to let it flow through me and then use it as a directive force. I am hard on myself because my kids deserve the best mom, a raging out of control woman is not that mom. Lately I've been using it to remind me not to pursue, not to chase, not to REACT every time he fails to be a husband to me. I let it put a brick in the wall to my detachment. I've become clincal and aloof towards him, I have started viewing him as an unstable patient that needs to be understood but not necessarily trusted as far as the truth is concerned.

Dory,
I am being very careful to only purchase a house that I can support on my own income if necessary. At this time I am planning for the worst (and kind of neutral about hoping for the best lol). WH wavers back and forth daily on wanting this house or that, I've just steadily looked for some specifics and been honing down the selection with those specifications in mind. Most importantly I've focused on the local schools and which areas provide the top education. It's funny you mention the ways to manage anger in a business setting, that's exactly what I've been doing lately. It can be tricky when you're in your own home and thus your "safe space" is no longer safe.

Vanilla,
You're spot-on about the reactive nature of my anger, that's what I've been trying to deal with it. Anger is an emotion but reaction is a behavior. My behavior needs to change, for me and for my children. Before the affair I was a master at controlling my reactivity, after the affair was uncovered I lost control, utterly. My children heard me scream, rage, curse, they saw me sit on the floor (heavily pregnant) and sob uncontrollably. At one point my daughter hugged me repeatedly asking me what was wrong. I am so horrified that she was seeing her mom fall apart. She looked so confused and hurt. The one thing I can be...well not proud of but at least less ashamed, when I punched walls and broke things I was alone.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and compassion. This WAS/WH thing can really play a number on your self confidence and identity. It has made me question my self worth, my ability to really "see" people as they are. I never, in a million years, thought I would be in a relationship with infidelity and I NEVER thought I would be fighting to rebuild a marriage with someone who betrayed me so horribly. Lately I've decided that I have to let go of the end result. If we divorce then we divorce. I will do everything in my power to mitigate the damage to my children and be their rock. But I can no longer wait for WH to get a clue, I will move forward and if he still stands in the same spot I may have to cut the rope and move on completely.

[ForGump]

Martial arts would let you punch someone (sparring partner) or a bag instead of a wall...

Does your WH explain what his thinking is about a new house? Most normal people would not think of buying a house together with a spouse you want to divorce.

[Vanilla]

Forgump

Waywards have reasons with scrambled eggs for brains, often it's a happy ever after thing

We had a poster here whose husband 'went Alaskan' and other odd behaviour.

Another poster whose WH persuaded her to sell up and join him in a foreign country with 2 children. She uprooted herself and moved only to find the house in the foreign country was an illusion and he had set up with OW with the proceeds of the sale of the house.

Peeps whose waywards have triggered them and then had them arrested or an OPP, they are excluded from the new house.

For Sara, I think this is a very dangerous time, waywards and abusers know when the target has let go and it can be dangerous.

Extreme care and safety needed Sara, put those buttons out of reach of WH. No triggering, it's a tough time.

I am minded of Ancaire and Mustardseed and I regret I did not caution them well enough.

I would rather my cautions went to air than not expressed.

Please stay calm, breathe, white anger and no rash decisions Sara. Any sign of you being triggered get yourself to safety and please be sure to record anything WH says that is intended to be inflammatory.

Beware Greeks bearing gifts (a reference to The Helen of Troy Horse) and offers of new houses etc. Future faking dreams which are transitory.

Watch out when actions don't match words too.

Super careful please.

V

[ForGump]

Good point. My W recently hinted at wanting some big-ticket home improvement done and I thought, What???

Anyway, my guess is that Sara's WH enjoys buying expensive things (cars, sailboats), so for him it's about the thrill of buying a big house, not about what it means for Sara and the kids.

[PsySara]

I'll address some things before journaling,

I have qualified for a home loan on my own credit score and income. If a house is bought then it will be in my name only and will be only if I can afford the mortgage by myself. I could get a much more expensive house if WH's income were added but I am not going there. I am planning my future and big purchases as if I were already single.

Today's events:
I had my procedure, it was uncomfortable and emotionally draining but it's over, the results will be in around 10-14 days. I went to my IC today and she feels WH has narcissistic personality disorder. She has assessed him alone as well as when he came to MC the other day. As a clinician I know what a dire diagnosis this is and asked her frankly if there was any hope, she said she dug very deep on WH but could find nothing. He has absolutely no empathy towards others and frames every experience from his own POV without being able to "put himself in other's shoes." This means his ability to work on himself and fix what's wrong is...never going to happen.

WH was sending texts all day long asking how I was doing, if I needed to talk, etc., He came home and I asked him to take over the kids for the evening. Again he asked if I needed to talk and I just dodged the question. I don't feel he is asking because he truly wants to support or comfort me, he just wants to assuage his own guilt and then sleep like a baby. Right now he has taken the kids out for dinner and I am just relaxing on the couch. I am physically and emotionally wrung out today. Tomorrow I will rise again but for now I am not going to do anything beyond breathe in and breathe out.

[JksD]

(((Sara)))

You need your rest and extreme self-care. Good to hear that you thought about the financial/ legal implications of buying a house now. I won't belabour the point then.

Wrt to the narcissist diagnosis of your H. A few qns:
1. How qualified is the IC? A psychologist?
2. Is it the same Gottman MC who tried to get you to give up?
3. Did your H display any of these traits while you were dating or before BD?

I am asking all these questions because people who engage in affairs will exhibit narcissistic traits to differing extents.


I am not a psychologist but I will be more inclined to believe the results if the assessment was done prior BD or M.

You have a very strong character. It shows even when online. I just doubt that a real narcissist will pick a strong character like you who doesn't take any bs.

But this is just my interpretation.

File this observation away. If you don't feel like making a decision yet, you dont have to

[ForGump]

As w/ JksD, I'd have more confidence in the NPD diagnosis if it was based on a longer term relationship with a therapist, and preferably one who specializes in it.

I think narcissistic people can often see how other people feel, they just don't place any value in it, unless there was something in it for them. And that "something" can be them feeling good about themselves. In other words they will often do you favors if it makes them feel good about themselves -- but the motivation is rooted in a narcissism, not putting someone else's interest first.

Anyway, reading your post made me crave a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Sounds like heck of a day....

[Surfer]

Sara

Wow. Your post about Anger......

You are describing my W. Thank you for sharing this. Do you apologise for this rage or do you feel justified. Do you always recognise it? What makes you recognise it. You clearly feel you have something to work on with this. What made you recognise this and are you really going to do the work. As it is tempting to say 'oh I'll sort it out' and not fully commit.

I once punched a wall and broke my hand! I had locked myself out of my room at university. I didn't do that again! As I have had to deal with my W's rages I have learned to control anger in me very well. I struggle with sadness and attachment at times but I am improving and will get to the points not that I feel completely in corntrol at all times. So I know we can change. It is tricky but I am sure you will get there.

Surfer

[Surfer]

Sara

Glad you have procedure done. Horrible that you had to go through this : (

Okay, not idea with the IC diagnosis. It may be incorrect however. Have you ever seen him empathise? I bet you have many times. Try not to get down about it. It may. Be that he has elevated pointers - so what. Many that score high on the psychopath scale are actually pretty normally functioning people - often high achievers. Yes, no Mother Terrasa - but not 'bad' people. They are just different. If you both know he finds it hard to empathise, it might be good to talk about. Lots
Of men are like this BTW. I am sure you have watched 'it's not about the nail'. Perhaps show it to you H if the time is right?

Keep that chin up.

Surfer.