I see/hear this a lot from the WWs -- that if only you'd gotten "it" sooner, and started making the changes you're now making, it all would have been fine, and you'd still be happily married. This is hot garbage. It is their way of making everything your fault.
Very well said, sir. Mine did the same thing..."if only you had done this or done that." Classic redirection away from themselves and their own guilt.
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Your task is to figure out the things you want to change -- because they'll pop back up and ruin any future R if you don't -- and change them, with no regard for what they'll do for your current R. That's the hardest part -- not doing it "for" her but for yourself, but that distinction is key.
I like this. Truth in every word. If you don't get your own misgivings worked out, they dang sure will pop their head back up at any time.
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And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
Raises hand...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I get an email about splitting up some assets and her wanting off our joint phone plan. She also wants half of the wedding gifts! I have a hard time with this as she's the one that wants out of this.
She's still moving forward as fast as she can. I sent a short response that I will check on the phone plan and look at the assets. Not sure if I should have done this now?? It's helping her move forward?
Feeling lost again today.... I know there's nothing I can do.
And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
I do not understand this last line of yours. Can you elaborate?[/quote]
Sorry, poor dangling "to date" there at the end of the sentence. What I meant was I've failed mostly in my own attempts to detach so far (and I've been at it almost 2 years), so I'm not judging him in any way or trying to pass myself off as a BDing savant. I'm actually pretty poor at it. I felt like my post could come across as preachy if I didn't acknowledge that I struggle every bit as much as everyone else.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I get an email about splitting up some assets and her wanting off our joint phone plan. She also wants half of the wedding gifts! I have a hard time with this as she's the one that wants out of this.
Unfortunately, she will get half of it. Marital property, you know.
Who pays the phone? Whose name was the original plan under before the marriage? If you were the original holder, then tell her if she wants then feel free. If she were the original holder, then you'd have to get your own plan.
Sorry, brother. Going through that was very tough on me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sorry, poor dangling "to date" there at the end of the sentence. What I meant was I've failed mostly in my own attempts to detach so far (and I've been at it almost 2 years), so I'm not judging him in any way or trying to pass myself off as a BDing savant. I'm actually pretty poor at it. I felt like my post could come across as preachy if I didn't acknowledge that I struggle every bit as much as everyone else.
Haha. I'm right there with you. What works for one rarely works for another on here. But what's great about this place is that one gets so many different perspectives. I still struggle in some form.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You should tell W that all the marriage gifts should be returned to the givers since you were only married a month or 2 before she ended it. That is the honorable thing to do.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Long day... I got angry. I'm angry about what she wants. We have only been married 6 months and she wants way too much. We had some agreements when we lived together when we bought Furniture and stuff and now she wants it all.
How can someone who loveed me now want to destroy me?? I'm hurt and stressed out. Part of me wants to just give up because I'm seeing the true person she really is and the other part is telling me she's not herself right now.
I don't see her ever changing how she feels at this point....
How can someone who loveed me now want to destroy me?? I'm hurt and stressed out. Part of me wants to just give up because I'm seeing the true person she really is and the other part is telling me she's not herself right now.
That is a question that every single one of us have asked on here. Guaranteed. Given that you weren't married that long, maybe her true colors are starting to show through. In my case, my ex hid hers for almost 10 years. I'm not going into all my details and hijack your thread as it's all in mine, but she left out a huge thing from her past.
I'm not sure what makes some hide their stuff from us. In some ways, its really sad knowing that they don't think enough or are too scared or whatever...
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I don't see her ever changing how she feels at this point....
She may or may not. The unfortunate thing is that there isn't anything we can do about our SOs. Nothing. And that is a very hard pill to swallow. In some aspect, we are supposed to carry on as if they suddenly disappeared.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
