CT1118 - I hope you and S5 had a good turkey day in Nowhere Near An Airport USA. A long way to go in a Jeep although I once drove from Ontario to Chesapeake Bay with the 4 of us to go sailing and camping. We looked like a Canadian version of the Beverly Hillbillies with the way I was loaded up.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP/Mach 1, I believe there were some questions left for me. If ya'll don't mind, they may remain that way for a bit.
[quote=Mach1] You will realize that you already have the answers within, you have just been asking the wrong questions....[quote/]
I had. I had indeed. I wish this post was getting ready to be more insightful, I am not sure that it will. I do truly appreciate everyone's well wishes and comments on my writing. I only try, with a lot of help, to get the truth of me out. If it helps, I think that is awesome. But, I have had diagnosis of a very bad strain of the flu for the past 3 days and today is the first day I actually felt able to sit up and do anything, even if small.
I wrote that last post and I did take my son and I to my parent for Thanksgiving. It was a nice time for a couple of days. While there, I broke off and went to a winery by myself. While sitting in the sun, on a very abnormally warm day for the Shenandoah Valley in November, I sat with a glass of wine and witnessed the sun falling into the mid-western skyline. I hit another moment of in-the-moment and just thought "this is my life" and it was a comfort. This is my life. Since typing and you cannot see me, my body language would tell you it was a happy thought, not a sad one or a sarcastic one.
Son & I left Saturday to avoid traffic, but traffic found us anyway. I offered to my s5 a choice to stay on the highway or get off it and see something different - fruit does not fall far from the tree. We drove byways, through small towns and farmlands to get back home. We stopped and walked railroad tracks, like my dad did with me as a kid in Carolina. A nice old man stopped us to say we looked great together. At the end of the day, only 15 minutes longer than a regular drive using the highway, but total victory for us both.
My last post was about facing new decisions. In this one, I have made them. My spouse came over on Sunday to pick up our son. She stayed for about 30 minutes. We spoke, she asked about family, she asked about, me, the trip, etc. She was regular Sunday for many people, just the basics in clothes, hair in a tail, her running shoes, she looked beautiful. I helped load the full volume of comet trail into her Jeep which occurs each time our son visits a grandparent. She hugged me, she and our son left.
Monday came and I went to IC. She asked me how the holiday went. I told her great. I had printed out my last post here and read it to her. She actually teared up. She asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to end this and that I would be discussing divorce with my spouse. She showed no surprise, but asked me why. I told the mixed messaging no longer worked. I had reached a position of clarity and I would be seeking this for my own mental health. I had a journey to continue which required no looking back. I told her I did not know this when I had written what I read to her, but I knew it now. She said, "will you still love her, or is that gone". I told her I would very much still be in love with her.
I went to work after IC. Nothing from spouse and day was just as bangged up busy as always.I had made plans to meet up with a work colleague at a brewery after our day and have a couple nice seasonal beers before we rushed off to respective abodes. Right before leaving work, I sat down to write my spouse about meeting to discuss things and where we would be and in my email was an email from her. I opened it and she was asking me about divorce, where it would go and and essentially a very similar email to what I intended to send her. Well, well.
I spoke to her of the irony of timing, said I was open to discussion, and sent her a song - which had nothing to do with us as a couple, but it was the first song which came to mind. I left my office. As I left my office, I felt relief, weight, and matter all leave me. I felt clean and free for the first time in....not sure when. Not what I am supposed to say right? Not what I have been doing here all this time? Actually, I feel like it is, and this is for me, this is not giving up or yielding, this is me knowing me as well as her.
I realized what I wanted was to let her go. I realized I wanted to let myself go. For me, this realization had nothing to do with me wanting to find another, to the contrary I do still want her. But I know that I hit a challenge I had been thinking about for long time. Not that I was waiting for it, but hoping I would be ready when it came. I met the challenge, her and I , in syncopation at the same moment, both asking for the same thing. I did not feel like loss, I did not feel like victory. I did get up from my desk feeling like I had evolved into my own hero; indeed I did.
I followed the DB process, I changed more than one thing, I focused on myself and I intend to keep doing so. This is not the end of my story here. I still love my spouse very much, and from speaking with her she still loves me, but we are both facing a journey which may not lead down the same road and both of us know that. We will remain parallel forever, bonded by our beautiful son. I will continue to come here, and will update as I am sure I am not through with a desire to for help or to hear from all of you.
I became the 1 of 1 infinitude in the odds. I left no one. I abandoned no one. I became better and I finally found me. Thing is, I still have some exploration to do on me, thus, my fight for self continues. I became the the man I would be a fool to leave...much less to ignore. Everyone here honors me...this is not goodbye.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
AndrewP/Mach 1, I believe there were some questions left for me. If ya'll don't mind, they may remain that way for a bit.
Not a problem - sometimes questions don't require answers. Something I'm learning myself. I think mine was just a mention of a book I thought you might like.
Originally Posted By: CT1118
I broke off and went to a winery by myself. While sitting in the sun, on a very abnormally warm day for the Shenandoah Valley in November, I sat with a glass of wine and witnessed the sun falling into the mid-western skyline. I hit another moment of in-the-moment and just thought "this is my life" and it was a comfort.
I've had a couple of those moments myself. They are good.
I'm very glad to hear that you have made choices and that you have incorporated those choices into the "self". The fact that your W coincidentally made choices of her own that harmonized with yours is a bonus. You can both continue your journeys with no regrets about your paths diverging.
It's been a privilege to have you as a visitor and I hope I can say friend these past months as we have both gone on our separate journeys.
May peace continue to be with you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Still have more to tell. Was laid up in bed with flu for about a week and a half. Still coughing my a$s off with daily mild fevers. Had to make my way to grad class tonight to pick up exam. Got exam prep with two due next Monday.
Being incredibly ill for first time own in years, but as sick as I am, can't help but think....catharsis.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I am very sorry that you are ill. I hope you feel better soon. The flu can knock you down for the count. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My dear Prince. I hope all is well on B-612. I've missed your thoughtful insights.
I've been doing a lot of heavy pondering myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Evening friends. Merry Christmas I suppose is in order. I can report feeling pretty good Had a tough run these past few weeks - life mostly, not just spouse or soon to be ex or babymama or whatever moniker applies. Exams, work, bills, holidays, etc. On a holiday hiatus for the next week - did some hiking yesterday, cleaned up the apartment today and of course wrapped gifts - no point in getting to my full on GAL routine like I did last summer, final semester begins again the 2nd week of January. I will be taking my son to see his grandparents in the mountains of BFE in a couple days - no doubts that grandmommy Claus will rain presents down upon him.
No talk of D since w spouse since my post earlier this month, but I'm sticking to my guns about what I wrote above. She agreed with me on waiting until after the holidays to get into the weeds on it. If I were to tell you that her OM R turns or turned 1 year old somewhere around now as best as I think from last year, I would follow it up with just how little that matters to me now. The first week of Jan '16 was the last time her and I did the horizontal shuffle as I recall; I gave myself a year to see if things would change w/ her and at this point, I have released her from expectation and anticipation. The biggest part is I have released myself from the same regarding a future R. I will not be seeking her expectation again.
But things did change with me. I really did the work. I did the work well, and with a lot of help from so many here. I mean, it all truly led me to my mantra of my personal paradigm shift: anger, control, what I want. Those three things I learned about in myself, and I learned about them all here. I preach it to people. Preach it as in, "here is what I discovered about me, here is what I will identify within me for the rest of my days". Hell, I even culminated them all into my final Master's degree thesis presentation. My thesis was "Alternative Dispute Resolution in Negotiation and Problem Solving". I found a way to work all of those things into it. Professor said it was one of the most exact and thought out theses presentations he had ever seen.
Thing is, I had already learned here that I crave compliments like that - its part of the way I learned to control me, and it was an unworthy want, given the reasons I sought them. And so, what made my work on that project different from years past, I did not write it for me. I did not write it for attention, for a grade, for recognition. I wrote like I wanted others to learn from it, I wrote with genuine concern for others to gain from it, I wrote it like it was something I would have written here. And it hit. And that feels good. And I feel good. I feel good being me, being genuine.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
What do YOU want CT ?
What are you working toward now ??
What does reconciliation look like to you ??
What signs would you have to have ??
I wanted to forgive her and I thought that she had to create that moment for me. She didn't, it was within me and my ability the entire time. I was the barrier, not her. Like everything else, it was on me the whole time. The only person we can control is self. And that is what reconciliation looks like for me - the reconciliation of self. The sign, alone after Thanksgiving, was me looking at the carpet, a well used ashtray, and a half full bottle of Jameson and thinking "I can forgive me, I can forgive her. This whole thing was a gift and I am way beyond waiting." The damaged are too dangerous when turned upon themselves and that just ain't me anymore.
If you are in the forum tonight and you are feeling bruised, bored, bloody from your fight - remember, this is about you. This is about your hard work. This is about what motivates you, not what medicates you. Do not stop at the symptoms, but find the cure. Dmn, I'm so proud of all of you tonight and I'm proud to be a member here. Just wanted to tell everyone, I'm doing well and wish you all my best. Do not ever underestimate who you are and all you can be.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
